Monday, July 27, 2009

Should I Vomit Now or Later?

Judge Jury: "Welcome to this week's installment of Judge Jury...and Executioner!"

[Applause from studio audience bussed in from Skid Row after being promised a cookie and Kool-Aid]

Judge Jury: "Alright, let's get started on the case--The People v. Michael Cera. Michael Cera, young, impressionable comic talent extraordinaire, beloved veteran of the unfortunately-assassinated Arrested Development and coming-of-age supergem Superbad, how do you plead to the charge of Making People Who Like You Cringe Every Time They See Your Mug on a Movie Poster?"

Michael Cera: "Not guilty, Your Honor."

His Agent: "Your Honor, my client is clearly doing nothing more harmless than carefully building a solid, reputable career--and a sizable bank account--by playing the lovable dork everyone loves to root for, and who usually has a cutesy romance with some cutesy alternagirl. It works--he would be a sucker to portray a different character until it stops working."

Me: "Your Honor, may I first remind you of my brilliance and handsomeness before I proceed?"

Judge Jury: "I am well-aware and delighted to find myself in your presence, Lord Charlie."

Me: "Thank you. Now, before I proceed with my case, I would like to remind the court of past precedent--The People v. Will Ferrell, The People v. Ben Stiller, and The People v. Seth Rogen. While in these particular cases it is worth noting the bottomless egos of said defendants--combined with the rubber stamp Hollywood eagerly applies to the randomly-generated, unformed ideas hitmakers pitch to talentless, greedy studio executives, no matter how vile or useless--are to blame for the bad taste we all feel in our mouths whenever their names are mentioned, they are important to note because if we are not careful, Mr. Cera will no doubt soon suffer the same fate."

[Applause from studio audience]

His Agent: "Objection, Your Honor--hearsay."

Judge Jury: "Sustained. Be specific, Lord Charlie."

Me: "Your Honor, I present Exhibits A, B, and C:
A. Juno (2007)
B. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist (2008)
C. Paper Heart (2009)

For the sake of common decency, Your Honor, I have intentionally refrained from mentioning a certain Harold Ramis turd that never made so much as a splash in the toilet-bowl of today's moviegoers, yet whose billboards ceaselessly plague them to this day."

His Agent: "Objection, Your Honor--irrelevant."

Judge Jury: "Sustained--get to the point, Lord Charlie."

Me: "Very well: I submit that it is beyond a shadow of a doubt that the young, impressionable, Canadian Mr. Cera is being led down the path of irrelevance by a team of Hollywood pricks intent to use him up and spit him out after taking their 35 percent. The people of this fine country would prefer this did not happen and therefore wish to obtain custody for his own protection--and to ensure the oft-filibustered release of Arrested Development (the movie) as soon as possible."

Judge Jury: "I agree. The court rules in favor of the prosecution. Executioner--you may proceed."

Executioner: "GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"

[Michael Cera's Agent's head is immediately lopped off by the Flying Guillotine]

Me: "OMG!!! I almost forgot, Your Honor--I might feel ill when I think about the movie, but I can't wait for the soundtrack to drop at my local ShitMart!!! LOL!!!! It's true!!!! So many quirky indie tunes to fall in love to!!!! Michael and his girlfriend--who was the co-writer, co-producer, co-composer, puppeteer, and lead actress in Paper Turd--wrote all the songs themselves!!! Awwwwwww!!! And it's only $19 on Amazon!!!"

Judge Jury: "Aye, well, burn me a CD when you get it and we'll see if such saccharine pleases the court while riding in the backseat on family vacations this summer..."



Jessica said...

Internet, this is funny.

sonny said...

awesome! i love delving into the lost court cases of hollywood ploys, it really gives great cause for all actors to be kept as minors until they are closer to 30, safer that way. also, i vomited immediately upon seeing this poster, good thing is was raining...