Saturday, March 28, 2009

A Brief Message from the Brooklyn Pizza Laureate

Actual pizza restaurant review found on Yelp:


I had gotten so stir crazy I was talking to the walls. I got myself reasoning with a mouse in a glue trap that a quick death was better than what sad, long torment awaited him if I didn't act quickly. How long can a man sit in front of a computer and write? I'd been snowed in, unemployed, bitch-less and my only excursions to the outside world were to Crunch gym on Flatbush.

But then the skies turned blue again. So I ventured out, went to the coffee shop. Spoke to other human beings. It was blissful nirvana. I was alive--a living breathing man. A man with id, with needs and dreams.

By the time I came home my roommate and two of our good friends were there. The University of Kentucky was playing Ole Miss. I had human interaction, friends even. There was beer but something was missing. Some missing piece of my soul cried in the distance.

"Do you hear that?" I asked
"Sounds like death throes of something big. Something ... unnatural," my rooommate said.
"'Tis thy hunger, lad," our good friend said ('cause he's a pirate in this story). "The beast need be slain by fair shoreline of peperoni"

I knew what to do. Muscle memory intervened. I acted. Jack Bauer would be proud. Throwing myself across the coffee table I grabbed yonder cellphone. Quickly I dialed the numbers.

"Antonio's pizza, how may I help you?"
"Ride! Ride now, my friend, in the hour of despair. Spare not a wither! Let the red dawn err the clash of steel compel thee!"
"Excuse me? What the fuck are you talking about, chief?"
"Oh ... ahem, sorry. Yeah, I need a large pie with pepperoni."
"Okay. Gimme your address ..."

Antonio's was there to deliver. That familiar voice, friendly, ready to dish out a pie and so Brooklyn, even African Bushmen can place it, was there for us. The Wildcats weren't doing so well, and neither were we. There were chips and beer of course. There is nothing more natural for an American male than chips, beer and sports. But it isn't complete without pizza or grilled meats.

The first half toiled on, and it had only been ten minutes since the call but the pain was too great. One of our friends leaned into the table.

"Thar be tell of a group of sailors, lost on the seas of China called Papa Johns in desperation. Only to be bitterly led to the rocky shore by a delivery guy in a Hyundai."

We all shivered a little. What would our fate be? Was there time. My roommate was growing paler than usual.

Then the doorbell rang. It was Antonio's. I paid the man quickly. Antonio's is on the higher end of the pizza scale vis-a-vis money. A large pepperoni pie cost us $17 but it was worth every bite.

They have a wide array of calzones and rolls if pizza doesn't tickle your fancy, but how could it not? This is what pizza is all about. This is New York at its culinary best.

The University of Kentucky lost but what did I care. I'm probably never going to Kentucky and my stomach was happier than a pirate locked in a chest of gold.

People thought this was: Useful (4) Funny (5) Cool (5)

Bookmark Send to a Friend Link to This Review

My two cents? The pizza was excellent.


No comments: