You Have Nothing to Fear

Except the egregious stupidity of those charged with your safety.

How the hell does a 14 year-old kid pass for a grown man, much less a police officer?

Oh, wait--my bad--he had a sweater vest stuffed with magazines and a hat; I get it now.

As dumb as everybody involved in this scenario is, I think the grand prize goes to whatever fucking bag of donuts was riding around in a small car with this kid for five hours and not only did not realize that he wasn't a cop, but also did not pick up on the fact that he was talking to a 14 year-old.

What were they talking about? Pussy? T-Pain? The relative merits and limitations of Obama's proposed economic stimulus package? Cafeteria nachos?

I can imagine their conversation, as the two representatives of "Chicago's Finest" lazily cruised through red lights without even blipping their siren:

"Dude, look at that fine-ass bitch over there."
"Man, I love pussy..."
"Me, too...wish I was old enough to actually see one live in person..."
"What was that? I couldn' hear you--I was just groovin' to this bomb-ass T-Pain jam, man. This guy is a fucking genius. He's like Einstein or the guy who invented macaroni and cheese and shit."
"Totally. Everybody at my high school digs that shit like Clifford the Dog, man... Best thing to come out of Tallahassee in a minute..."

[A drug dealer rolls his Cadillac to a stop across the street, leans out the window, shoots a five year-old kid in the face, and then shouts at the child's mother: "That's what you get, motherfucker! That's what you get!" and peels away. Our two heroes do not notice.]

"Man, this job sucks. You wanna hit up Dunkin?"
"Totally, man. I'm feelin' that donut shit for real."

But don't worry--and, more importantly, don't ask any questions as to how this supremely dangerous situation could possibly have occurred in the Chicago Police Department in 2009 and go unnoticed for an entire five-hour shift--the Deputy Superintendent Dan Dugan is looking into the matter in complete secrecy, lest the safety of his officers be in danger.

What, you mean more in danger than they already are by working in an environment far less secure than your average high school?

It seems as though this sort of incident was bound to happen at some point, though. If it wasn't one thing, it'd be another, and we're all lucky nobody got hurt. I mean, listen to how dumb Dan Dugan is; he can't even spend five minutes devising a coherent statement to vomit onto the understandably frothy-mouthed press:

"This individual has identified egregious breech in security," said Deputy Superintendent Dan Dugan. "Realistically, to open that up to a media scrutiny, while I can understand and appreciate it, I have probably as many questions if not more than you have relative to this. It would tend to exacerbate the security issue that has been identified and we would not want to exploit it for the safety of the officers that work in facilities throughout the city."

Did he borrow those $2 words from his daughter's junior-high grammar textbook, but not have the stones to ask her how best to use them?

Idiot...even Paul Blart would know better!

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