Mommy, Why Do Actors Always Sound So Stupid When They Talk?

You know he's crazy

While you're standing in line for a flight at the airport, unintentionally listening to one of those ubiquitous, who-pays-for-these, flat-screen TVs broadcasting oceans of shit, have you ever seen Brad Pitt interviewed about why Benjamin Button had to be shot in New Orleans?

(It HAD to, by the way; wouldn't have worked anywhere else. Wait--it would have, the hurricane shit was completely pointless--could've been Charleston. Or Baltimore. Or New York. Or Boston... Wait--but what about the train station clock? Probably fiction, equally worthless. Wait--what about the fact that New Orleans is mostly black? Wait--race is never once commented on. No wonder Brad had nothing... --Ed.)

It is one of the most hilariously useless moments ever captured on video (thank hell they didn't waste film on that shit).

Ever heard Tom Cruise answer a question a reporter/host asked him?

Ditto.

Ever heard somebody as "honorable and good and strong and 'smart'" as Angelina Jolie answer questions thrown at her?

Ever heard any other actor speak outside of the multiplex?

Why do all these people sound like idiots, when they are usually so witty and funny and charming and irreverent and sexy?

Answer: When they're under the gun, even though they've been prepped with phrases and lines and facts by their publicists, managers, and agents...they don't have WRITERS**.
Nor do they have directors forcing them to stick to those lines the writers wrote. Nor do they have the benefit of a second take...

You're pretty sure he's super cool

It's no accident that movie stars have become far less glamorous, fascinating, cool, and sexy since we've started to see them on TV all the time. Interviews? Tours of their homes? DVD extras? Please---stick to your day job.

Which is, just so all you actors remember, reading the lines that somebody smarter than you wrote. You are a puppet--a puppet who can certainly improve the script at times, fair play, but not so often that they should just be allowed to go around speaking on their own all the time and expect to maintain the same awe and respect from their audience.

Since everything is cyclical, I wonder when Hollywood suits will wise up and stop letting their talent speak. Oh, wait--it's not their talent anymore. That's the problem!

Sadly, not all horses should be allowed to run free...


{Okay, so I was looking for the clip of Brad Pitt I saw at the Sacramento airport a couple weeks ago and couldn't find it. I found this instead; it might be better. Watch it. And keep in mind that this is not only EDITED, but put out there, into the ether, approved by the studio...}

{For a good Tom Cruise bit, click here and watch the Tom Cruise clip...}


** For those of you don't know who they are or what they do, that makes sense--writers are the most under-appreciated people in the movie business. They just write the story and all the things the people say in it.