1. Deranged bitch Sarah Palin and everybody who thought it was a good idea to get her onto the national political scene. The only positive thing was all the comedy that ensued; comedy which would have made things even worse if nobody listened to it and voted her into office. It's bad enough I have Arnold Schwarzenegger as my governor...
2. The fact that the world seems content to allow a group of ragtag pirates terrorize seafaring vessels at-will off the coast of Somalia. We kill innocent people all across the globe, have been for decades, and yet we can't rid the world of a couple dozen pesky pirates? We know where they live, we know how many hostages they have...but we do nothing. Can't we let those disgraced asshole Blackwater dudes redeem themselves with a covert murder mission or something? Seems fair to me...
3. California's Proposition 8 passed. Due to the Mormon church and other useless religious organizations. I agree with Karl Marx's assertion that "[religion] is the opium of the people. The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is the demand for their real happiness." It's time we finally separate church and state, before religious fearmongers steal all our freedom. Please?
4. All the assholes that caused the horrific financial crisis currently gripping our globe will never pay for their crimes; rather, their bonuses this year will merely be reduced to 25 times my annual salary. And they might have to sell one of their SoHo pied-a-terre in order to continue paying Bennington girls to spank them with their Freemasonry paddles.
5. Still, always--farmers, merchants, businessmen...nobody realizes that a good year may be an exception and that they should not expect every year to be as good as their best. I find it hard to feel sorry for a farmer who purchased 5000 extra dairy cows after a good year and now cannot sell their milk. I find it hard to feel sorry for a store that excessively stocked up on merchandise it now cannot sell. I find it hard to feel sorry for a company that spent lavishly, gave away all its profits in dividends, hired unnecessary employees, and now finds itself in debt. Good. Drown yourselves in debt, get the fuck out of the marketplace, and let the smart people play the game. Oh, wait--the smart people are all at home drinking bourbon and making love, forever unemployed, forever happy. Play on, demented cowboys, play on.
6. Automakers still refuse to make sexy, environmentally-conscious cars. What is it about the different engines that require ugly bodies? Is it like how responsible people tend to be less attractive than reckless ones? Hmmm...is there a correlation between responsibility and sexiness that rules all matter in the galaxy? Maybe...
7. The fact that crime will always pay more than honesty results in an ever-more-dangerous world. Take this story as a prime example. Just as the greed and carelessness of the men on Wall Street resulted in financial turmoil, the greed and carelessness of law men and politicians the world over will always result in social turmoil. Money talks much more effectively than constituents and consciences.
8. The exponential increase in shittiness in the entertainment industry. Across the board. Music, movies, television, theater. Great movies just aren't being made anymore (last year's Assassination of Jesse James being the rare exception). TV shows suck more than ever (Pushing Daisies, Cashmere Mafia, The Hills...). Music on the radio is appalling (Beyonce? Vampire Weekend? I'd rather hear Ravi Shankar in an endless loop until I die). Theater is dead (replaced by Wicked, et al). Even literature is out the window (did any good books come out in the last...five years? No wonder Wallace left us.) Please read further as to why this is the case.
9. The continued invasion of eHarmony on the lives of the populace. An annoying increase in commercials and web advertising, now they're not even satisfied with just controlling people's dating lives? Who needs a website run by this dude to tell them how to run their marriage? I understand that they don't like to lose their customers, but I think there's a better way to achieve the same end: focus on promiscuity and your customer base will be coughing up money til they die.
10. The fact that the housing crisis has still not rendered homes affordable to the vast majority of people I know who have jobs. Who cares if a house that used to be $700,000 is now only $500,000. How the hell is anybody supposed to save $50,000 for a 10% down payment? And then drop $3500 a month on a mortgage for the next 30 years? (Which results in a lifetime payment of $1.2 million on the $500,000 house, by the way. Do the math.)
Do we all have to become bankers? Who will bake our bread?!
There you have it, folks. Hope it tarnished your New Year's optimism with a smudge of reality. Happy things still to come...
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