Sunday, January 25, 2009

What Women Want

So, unsurprisingly, the current #1 most emailed story on has nothing to do with the wars in Iraq or Afghanistan, the situation in Guantanamo, the continenet of Africa, the chaos in the Euro currency system, the unadulterated greed of Western bankers and businessmen, or Obama's first days in office.

Surprisingly, it is NOT a fluff piece about George Bush spending more time with his pets now that he's retired from politics (as if he wasn't at home in Crawford 80% of the time anyway...).

No. The most emailed story is titled "What Do Women Want?"

Meredith Chivers--whose photo is unavailable anywhere and whom you'll notice does not have her doctorate, oddly--has been studying sex since the age of five and is currently doing it for pay, at a Canadian university. She is trying to find out what turns women on, what they crave...and is having a tough go of it.

So are three other women studying the question from slightly different approaches.

After reading all eight pages of this article, the one thing that is clear is that these women are clearly studying sex about 500,000 times more than they are having it. I know they're smart, but are they really the best women for the job?

The long and the short of the article is that while men were 100% accurate in judging whether or not they found something arousing, physically, women had no clue; their minds and their vaginas were complete strangers to one another.

Why is this? Why do they get aroused when they see monkeys mating but not admit it? Why do heterosexual women get more aroused when they see lesbians going at it than they do when they watch a man and a woman? Why would they rather see a woman than a man? Why do they lie about it?

As a man, I need no persuading that women are a mystery--but they are a beautiful mystery. Why try to explain it? Why waste your life and research dollars trying to reduce nature's most beloved nonsense to a science? Why not just kick off your clothes and get busy with some strange man you met in the elevator?

Especially when all anyone brimming with curiosity has to do is watch the Mel Gibson movie!
I won't spoil the ending for you, but just so you know, it's fabulous!!!

Actually, without even thinking about it, I might have hit on something there. Maybe all women want...Mel Gibson?

Let's worked for Helen Hunt, Rene Russo, Pocahontas, Jamie Lee Curtis, Jodie Foster, the chick from Braveheart (although she had her throat slit for it)...and the average woman drools over awful romantic comedies...maybe...that has something to do with the fantasies of the average woman? Or is it merely a symptom of the problem?
"Hey, God! Are you there? It's me, Charlie. I have another question for you..."
If he doesn't answer me, I'll just petition the government for $150,000 to insert scientific instruments into a hundred women's vaginas while they work their way through Mel Gibson's oeuvre. Might as well...

Question of the Day: What is it like to bring yourself to orgasm with your head in an MRI scanner?

Incidentally, if any women out there are looking for Mr. Right, I think I found him hiding in plain sight!


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