I Think I Know Who Should Accidentally Die Next, Oh Just and Mighty Lord

Ladies and gentlemen of the void, I hereby encourage you to feast your eyes on the most smug little *%^&@$# I've seen in a looooong time and then thank everybody you meet for the rest of your life that you were not cursed with her as your mother/sister/daughter/wife/self. Unless you were. [Sorry--but we won't take anything back and you know we shouldn't. -Ed.]



Once again--thank you, Katie Couric, for bringing us the hard news, the news nobody else has the stones to get out there and have somebody else point a camera at while you pretend to give a shit off-screen.

_

Gotta Love A Crazy Bitch

So, Leona Helmsley, who married her way into a multi-billion-dollar real estate empire only to become one of the most infamous bitches of our time (figure that out...), is still causing trouble almost a year after her death.

The woman notorious for her assertion "we don't pay taxes--only the little people pay taxes," as well as for her subsequent 19-month stint in prison on charges of tax evasion, not only left $12 million to her dog, Trouble (pictured above), but also, it turns out, left the bulk of her $5-8 billion estate to a charitable trust that is required to spend that money on dogs.

In a mission statement attached to her will, Helmsley laid out her goals for the vast fortune she would leave behind.

"The first goal was to help indigent people, the second to provide for the care and welfare of dogs. A year later...she deleted the first goal." (courtesy nytimes.com)

Very wise--I don't care what anybody says, dogs are more important than humans. The indigent people of the world thank you, Ms. Helmsley, wherever you are (lying lifeless in a limestone mausoleum on 3/4 of an acre in Sleepy Hollow Cemetery, Westchester, New York, which is to be acid-washed once a year, according to her will).


Now, all this stupid bullshit aside, I find it interesting that one's last wishes, which seem in this case to be very clearly stated, can still be legally altered.

A judge in New York has already reduced Trouble's inheritance from $12 million to $2 million. The same judge has also given $10 million dollars to two grandchildren deliberately left nothing in the will. Talks are already underway as to how best circumvent Helmsley's mission statement, in order to spend money on projects unrelated to dogs.

As much as I agree that the money could go to much better causes--such as indigent people, education, conservation--the fact of the matter is that this was not her choice. Her choice was to spend the money on dogs. So...why is it even up for discussion? Why is there even a 'case,' as it were? Strange...

I mean, if she wanted to buy $46-worth of scratch-offs for every one of the 172 million estimated pet dogs in the world...who are we to stop her?


Bonus -- My favorite Leona Helmsley story:

"On March 31, 1982, Leona's only child, Jay Panzirer, died of a heart attack. Leona sued her son's estate for money and property that she claimed he had borrowed; Mimi, her son's widow, (who lived in a property Leona owned) received an eviction notice. Mimi later said the legal expenses wiped her out and 'to this day I don't know why they did it.'" (courtesy wikipedia.org)

Once Again, No Humbling Winter...

...and so the egos in Hollywood continue to flourish, unabated, for the 155th consecutive year. The moral/intellectual gulf between Hollywood+environs and the more-sensible Midwest/Northeast/Northwest (sorry, South--you're on a whole 'nother page of dumbness!) continues to expand, once again outpacing the growth of the universe itself (pay up, Hawking, or I'll break your legs!). More and more people move here, more and more people grow up here, more and more people never leave here. Why?

"Cuz the weather's so great! OMG--I'll do anything to stay out here! I'll not only be more anorexic than you, and therefore hotter, but I'll do your shitty job for longer hours and less pay, since my family supports me anyway. I just want to stay out here and lay on the beach all day and go clubbing and buy a new designer handbag every Saturday, but my parents said I need to have a good job, with growth potential, or they'll cut me off. Hey--is that Zach Braff? So totally hot, but, I mean, only cuz he's on TV, or he'd be totally like YACK! I wonder if he needs a new third assistant..."

And so the ranks of Hollywood's coveted 'fiscal upper class, intellectual lower class' demographic continue to swell, unperturbed by the current financial crisis that, let's face it, doesn't affect rich people. How did this all start? What made the first selfish, idiotic fame-whore come out here to El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los Angeles sobre El Rio Porciuncula?

Curious? Well, dig in to these pointless highlights of Hollywood's past (courtesy wikipedia.org), edited and fruitlessly commented upon by yours truly:

"In 1853, one adobe hut stood on the site that became Hollywood."

Such arrogant beginnings...it's no wonder we are where we are today. Adobe?

"The name Hollywood was coined by H.J. Whitley, the Father of Hollywood. He and his wife, Gigi, came up with the name while on their honeymoon, according to Margaret Virginia Whitley's memoir. As they stood on the hill (which is now the center of Hollywood) admiring the view they spied a rickety old wagon pulled by one horse with a Chinese man driving pell-mell down a narrow path. As he approached them he stopped his wagon. HJ Whitley asked what he was doing. In broken English with a Chinese accent he said, 'I up sunrise. Old trees fall down. Pick up wood. All time haully wood.' With an epiphany HJ declared he would name his new town Hollywood."

First of all, are we sure that wasn't just Mickey Rooney driving the wagon?


Second of all, who the fuck asked this guy to name the town he was visiting on vacation? Is this some kind of unprecedented hubris, or what?

Wait...it isn't.

While we're on the subject, why was this arrogant rich dude honeymooning in a town that recently had only one adobe hut and wasn't even incorporated yet? Were all the oceanliners to Europe booked? Did his wife force the marriage due to a pregnancy, and he brought her to this remote spot so she could 'accidentally' fall into the ocean on their honeymoon? I guess we'll never know...until his great-great-great-great grandson makes that moment in time into a highly-fictionalized movie, starring Francis (Frankie) Coppola-Barrymore-Pitt II as 'plucky' H.J. Whitley.

"Hollywood was incorporated as a municipality in 1903. Among the town ordinances was one prohibiting the sale of liquor except by pharmacists and one outlawing the driving of cattle through the streets in herds of more than two hundred."

That explains why there's so few cattle in the streets and such a lack of liquor in my mouth. Prescient, Hollywood--very prescient. If you don't start out completely intolerant, you'll foster misbehavior and wind up with valueless teenagers running all over the place, driving drunk, bearing unwanted children, and shaving their heads.

"After many years of serious decline, Hollywood is now undergoing rapid gentrification and revitalization with the goal of urban density in mind. Many new developments have been completed, and many more are planned, and several are centered on Hollywood Boulevard itself. In particular, the Hollywood & Highland complex, which is also the site of the Kodak Theater, has been a major catalyst for the redevelopment of the area. In addition, numerous trendy bars, clubs, and retail businesses have opened on or surrounding the boulevard, allowing it to become one of the main nighttime spots in all of Los Angeles. Many older buildings have also been converted to lofts and condominiums, and a W Hotel is currently under construction at the famous intersection of Hollywood and Vine, including The CBS Columbia Square which is being used as the new site of MTV's Real World: Hollywood which will likely serve to even further revitalize the area."

Don't get me wrong--eight years ago, Hollywood was nothing more than a sketchy neighborhood full of stripper-lingerie shops, sleazy sex clubs, souvenir shops, 'Maps to Stars's Homes!' stands, and abandoned storefronts; it sucked. Fast forward eight years--it is now the character-less, traffic-clogged, avoid-at-all-costs nexus of corporate consumerism/tourism. Notable example: the venerable Oscars ceremony is now held in a mall! Choose thy poison.

"The population of [Hollywood], including Los Feliz, as of the 2000 census was 167,664 and the median household income was $33,409 in 1999."

That seems really small. And poor. And true.

"Notable Residents:

• Rob Dyrdek, professional skateboarder
• Erik Ellington, professional skateboarder
• Eric Koston, professional skateboarder
• Andrew Reynolds, professional skateboarder
• Kat Von D, tattoo artist"

Really? That's all the entire web community could come up with on wikipedia? Are we really that sad? Let's see...since Hollywood proper now contains the hills and Los Feliz...I could add, off the top of my head...Jack Nicholson, Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, Cristina Ricci, Giovanni Ribisi, Jason Lee, Crispin Glover, Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale...and thousands more! Let's get going, people! Put that gelato down--this is urgent.

[gunshot to own head]