Estimated Market Price of a Rental Baby in Johannesburg

Is three dollars per day, according to the Harper's Index in the Jan.2011 issue.

Who rents these babies, you ask? Why, panhandlers, of course! Who else would you rent your defenseless baby to? It makes perfect sense--the panhandlers rent these babies to increase their daily wages by preying on sympathetic strangers and I guess the cost outweighs the benefit or there wouldn't be a market for it.

I also guess that for the most part these babies are returned unharmed or there wouldn't be a steady supply of babies, although that is just a guess. For all I know, the odds are 50/50 and the parents' desire to have the child/burden back is 50/50.

 
What sort of person rents out their baby to a panhandler in Johannesburg for the day? Is this person so desperate that they don't have any other choice and have thrown caution to the wind in the hopes of mere survival? Is it easier to let your baby do the work while you chill at home eating a $3 package of protein-enriched (hopefully) bonbons?

Or is this proof of yet another impending global movement backward--engineered by a bitter father named Karl Rove, most likely--where the babysitter pays the parent/s and the baby gets exactly the kind of crash-course in life he will need to survive, the Right gets an unregulated, cheap supply of labor/altar-boys, and everybody's too tired and malnourished to mount an effective rebellion?

Or is this baby rental thing all about the economy and I'm an idiot? Is this bonus baby-rental money allowing the impoverished parent/s of these children the luxury of purchasing a carton of "so cool" American cigarettes every week and it's so good for the American economy that all the rich people and their duped grassroots puppets will shoot you in the face with their concealed weapons if you try to be all communist and poke a hole in what is a mostly sorta-fine scheme they have going on? Well, if you discount the visceral discomfort experienced every waking moment by every single baby involved, that is--especially by those poor souls that never make it back to the rental house.

You know what? I should probably stop talking about it right now, lest I be branded un-American by the uneducated. I can't:

Will these poor children grow up at a record clip? What sort of indignities will they witness while lying on the sidewalk, teething on dirty broken beer bottles and used condoms, covering themselves in their own filth, occasionally getting yelled at by their smelly drunken homeless master, on whom his/her survival depends? What manner of squalor will they one day consider luxurious by comparison to their daily existence?

You Know She's Thinking About It

Osama bin Laden's newly-single son, Omar, wants to come to Hollywood and date Drew Barrymore.

While I find that an odd choice, since I don't find her remotely attractive or interesting, maybe it is an intelligent choice for a guy whose choices, let's be honest, are limited.

Could Omar bin Laden land Jessica Alba? Not a chance. Jessica Biel? No way. Jessica Simpson? Maybe--as long as he learns how to throw a football.

In fact, Drew Barrymore is such an attainable choice, relatively speaking, that I respect his calculating move, appropriately announced to the world with the sort of flowery shit chicks really dig:

"I want to go to America, and I would love to meet Drew Barrymore," said Omar, 29, who recently split from wife Zaina, 25 years his senior. "I am single now and she is the most beautiful woman in Hollywood."

(courtesy Huffington Post)

 Omar and his previous slave, Zaina

It probably doesn't hurt that Ms. Barrymore is one of the wealthiest women in Hollywood, due to her inherited Barrymore family money, the lifelong Barrymore family access to the movie biz, and her shrewd ability to use that money and access to start her own production company.

I mean, it's not like Omar is getting any of his father's money these days as from what I hear it's almost all tied up in military operations and cave speculation.

Omar has always has trouble figuring out who he is

If things don't work out with Barrymore, however, fear not--sexy Omar has at least one more peach on the tree, as it were:

Speaking from a Doha, Qatar hotel in an interview with the Sun, [Omar] also professes an admiration for Jim Carrey, American football, rock music and Madonna. "She's such a great dancer for a woman of her age," he says of the Material Girl, 51. 

Madonna would be so thrilled to hear that qualification on her dancing abilities. Trust me. She's pretty much in the bag, quaffing a pint of Metamucil on the grounds of her British estate, waiting to hear what happens with Drew...

Whaddya think, Drew? Nice pecs/goatee?

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Sweet Justice?

Drew Barrymore's directorial debut Whip It has only made $8 million since October 2. It cost $15 million to make, plus who know how much to market ($30 million?). That shit's gotta be hurtin' somebody right now--somebody who deserves a big fat spanking in the wallet, if you ask me.

Not that Drew's sweating it, though--because she knows knowledge is power, as well as two other things:

1. She'll make money on the deal no matter what, and the fact that the movie was even released is, sadly, a solid-gold testament to her skill as a director in today's Hollywood.

2. Every trapped suburban housewife/mother/daughter will ultimately suggest to her horny husband/father that they should rent it because she "heard it was pretty good"--and he will acquiesce because there are girls in it and there might be a locker room scene.

The problem is, as much as I'd like to laugh and soak up her failure like a glorious mountain sunset after a day of taming the slopes, I can't. Drew's right--when the dust finally settles, this will have no negative effect on her career.

Justice is such an elusive minx.

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