Yes, I have finally said it out loud and, for clarity's sake, I must inform you my tardiness in so doing is most certainly
not due to any wavering of opinion glinted by misguided fanboy nostalgia.
I had merely forgotten about him because his movies are so forgettable and he has been so delightfully irrelevant until the recent fusillade of
Robin Hood advertisements plaguing my fair city and its otherwise carefree citizens.
Yes, he directed
Alien. Yes, he directed
Blade Runner. Yes, he directed
Thelma & Louise.
I feel the need to point out, however, that he did not
write those movies. He did not create those worlds, those stories, or even the characters. Which is not to say he did nothing, as I am well aware of the tasks performed by a director, but directing those movies hardly puts him on the same shelf as Francis Ford Coppola, who at least wrote
Apocalypse Now,
The Conversation, and
Godfather II before deciding to stop making movies that anybody gave a shit about or even the same shelf as two-hit wonder Michael Cimino, who wrote the story for
The Deer Hunter and the script for
Heaven's Gate before taking a 22-year nap.
Not only that, but I have no special place in my heart for either of the three aforementioned 'seminal' films he directed. They are favorites among many film geeks/historians and feminist theory professors, but they do nothing for me. I have seen them all and never had a desire to see one again.
And so it is no surprise to me that Scott's laughably ill-conceived and wholly-unappealing reworking of the Robin Hood myth
was eviscerated today by the fine folks at Movieline.
A selection of gems from their review:
No wonder Russell Crowe, who plays the renowned bandit hero in Scott’s big fat mess of an epic, looks so cranky and numbed-out. Robin Hood isn’t merely misguided, or overly ambitious, or excessively laden with special effects. Its problems are much bigger than that: The picture is simply oppressive in its blandness, a lumbering symbol of everything that’s wrong with big-budget moviemaking these days. Reportedly, Scott may have spent as much as $237 million on this dreary parade float of a movie, but why quibble about the actual amount? The real outrage is that the dollar signs don’t even show.
The picture’s numerous battle sequences are cluttered and imprecise, but worse than that, they’re just plain ugly.
And the story — set in the days before Robin Hood started robbing from the rich and giving to the poor — is all mechanics and no drama. Brian Helgeland’s screenplay (from a story by Helgeland, Ethan Reiff, and Cyrus Voris) is needlessly complicated. The filmmakers obviously think murkiness and unnecessary digressions are the same as depth.
No actor in Robin Hood escapes with his or her dignity intact, with the exception of Eileen Atkins as Eleanor of Aquitaine. [Cate] Blanchett, often a fine and subtle actress, is somnambulant here — she drifts through the movie like a half-awake, half-aware ghost. She also comes off as sexually indifferent to, if not outright repulsed by, Crowe’s Robin. When the two move in for a kiss, their smooching has a perfunctory, “Think of England” quality.
Crowe is playing a quality here — a kind of drab, holier-than-thou dignity — rather than a character, and Scott never calls him on it. He either hasn’t noticed or doesn’t care, but that’s all of a piece with this bungled picture. Scott isn’t a graceful director, and we shouldn’t expect lyricism from him. But any filmmaker telling the Robin Hood story should be able to achieve more than a persistent throb of dullness, which is the best Scott can manage here.
Ouch!
Historically, James Cameron generates a lot of ink for his bloated budgets (think
Titanic +
Avatar) and uses this free press to feed his bank account until it overdoses, but I think spending $237 million on this inglorious turd (plus over $100 million in marketing costs), will only reward Scott with innumerable mentions alongside
Waterworld director Kevin Reynolds (despite the fact that
it eventually turned a slim profit), as there is no way in hell
Robin Hood is on anybody's wish list this weekend...or ever.
[Incidentally, you will be pleased to know that
Waterworld director Kevin Reynolds also directed the
previous Robin Hood turd, starring Kevin Costner (which somehow
netted $390 million globally, despite sucking). So Scott and Reynolds have even more in common than at first blush!
-Ed.]
I would wish you luck this weekend, Mr. Scott, if I did not crave your failure like Cathy craves chocolate.
Why so harsh on the Riddler, you ask?
For your consideration:
"Hmmm...all of my movies have sucked since 1991...what should I do now? No, wait--what would George Lucas do?"
Enter
Blade Runner: Director's Cut,
Blade Runner: Final Cut, and
Blade Runner: This Is Totally the Next-to-Last Cut, I Swear DVD re-issues and not one but
TWO Alien prequels.
What else would you expect from a 72-year-old egomaniacal hack?
Seacrest out.
_
