Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Lifetime Bullshit Artist Has a Lot to Say About Bullshit, Suddenly

It being a Wednesday evening, as I lapped my customary spot of cream from my St. Nicholas saucer and caught up on my religious propaganda, I couldn't help but notice that the Vatican's chief exorcist has declared, in no uncertain terms, that the Devil is about--in the Vatican hallways, no less!

Frightened nearly to death, probably by the Devil himself, I quickly regained my wits and closed all my windows, bolted my front door, lit a few pumpkin-scented candles, crawled under my desk, and smoked a joint the size of your leg.

As my beautiful bloodshot eyes crossed back and forth, and the Lord protected me from within, I read these horrible words over and over, hoping with every fiber of my being that they were false:
Sex abuse scandals in the Roman Catholic Church are proof that that "the Devil is at work inside the Vatican", according to the Holy See's chief exorcist.

Father Gabriele Amorth, 85, who has been the Vatican's chief exorcist for 25 years and says he has dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession, said that the consequences of satanic infiltration included power struggles at the Vatican as well as "cardinals who do not believe in Jesus, and bishops who are linked to the Demon".

He claimed that another example of satanic behaviour was the Vatican "cover-up" over the deaths in 1998 of Alois Estermann, the then commander of the Swiss Guard, his wife and Corporal Cedric Tornay, a Swiss Guard, who were all found shot dead. "They covered up everything immediately," he said. "Here one sees the rot".

Father Amorth told La Repubblica that the devil was "pure spirit, invisible. But he manifests himself with blasphemies and afflictions in the person he possesses. He can remain hidden, or speak in different languages, transform himself or appear to be agreeable. At times he makes fun of me."

He said it sometimes took six or seven of his assistants to to hold down a possessed person. Those possessed often yelled and screamed and spat out nails or pieces of glass, which he kept in a bag. "Anything can come out of their mouths – finger-length pieces of iron, but also rose petals."
(courtesy TimesOnline)
Oh, Mylanta! Well, if ole Gabe had a Ziploc bag full of rocks and glass and little pieces of metal, then it must be true that the Devil exists and spat them out of people's mouths behind closed doors.

Right? Why would a priest ever lie?

More to the point, however, is that this guy is still working for the Vatican, still working...for the Devil?

Gabey-baby seems to be so close to a fantastic epiphany here--so close!--yet seemingly fearful of that last delirious step toward heaven on Earth.

He must be a gambler playing the odds, figuring he will be dead shortly (he's 85 for Christ's fucking sake), hoping he was right all this time, that his life wasn't an utter catastrophe, that he'll be able to confidently tell St. Peter he wasn't part of this whole "Catholic clergy sinning like the Devil and loving it" thing that's been going on, like, forever, and that he even deplored it on the record (maybe he'll have a clipping stuffed under his tongue for proof? And a Snickers bar in his ass for St. Peter?). Maybe he'll still be able to get into heaven.

If he's wrong, well, he'll soon be worm-food either way, so who cares. Right?

I'm totally okay with that, I guess, as I firmly believe the pleasures of an 85 year-old Catholic priest are best left to the imagination.

My main concern, as a red-blooded, freedom-loving American, is how this news will affect the stock market. Oh, wait--despite the fact that billions of souls are at stake here, it won't affect it at all.

Do you know what that proves? Religion is irrelevant.


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