Some woman found a cat inside a cheap couch she bought. She decided to find the owner. Perhaps a better instinct than my own, but who's to be sure? Maybe its owner sexually abused it.
Either way-- It's big news.
_
Friday, March 13, 2009
Wait--He Lived Alone? What?!
(Photo: MANCHESTER EVENING NEWS SYNDICATION)"A man whose home was so full of rubbish that he had to build an intricate network of tunnels to get around may have died after losing his way in the labyrinth."
What a way to go--a hero's demise.
_
Thursday, March 12, 2009
And You Thought He Just Got Lucky
Words of Wisdom from Sylvester Stallone:
"War is in your blood. When you're pushed--killin's as easy as breathin'.I wonder if Stallone thought that sounded really philosophical when he wrote it. And when he performed it. And when he first heard it played over footage of explosions and killings in the trailer. I bet he did.
Live for nothing. Or die for...something. Your call."
If you'd like another window into the Stallone brain machine, peep this:
Alternate Movie Title Ideas for Rambo:
John Rambo
Rambo IV Rambo IV: End of Peace
Rambo IV: In the Serpent's Eye
Rambo IV: Pearl of the Cobra
Rambo: First Blood Part IV
Rambo: To Hell and Back
Those were not foreign titles, where studio stooges humorously adapt things to fit perceived local tastes--those were all working titles for the US market (although one was a 'fake working title,' which cracks me up--why should you need one when it hides nothing?). The studio was all, you know, testing the waters, throwing vomit on the walls and seeing what sticks, etc.
It's amusing that the studio let this get out. On the one hand, it makes them seem smart in choosing the simple, elegant Rambo. On the other hand, it makes them look dumb as bricks for thinking Pearl of the Cobra and--all the other ones--just might work. I'm no genius, but I think the cost outweighs the benefits there. Vote: idiots.
This whole 'bad title' situation reminds me of when I wrote my first book.I was in third grade or fourth or fifth or...who knows--I was young. I was intelligent, but also extremely ignorant. I decided, for a class project/contest, to write a book called The Quest for the Holy Baseball and did.
My friend carefully illustrated it with colored pencils. I self-published one copy. Even as a young boy, as I first held that hot-off-the-press book in my hand, I realized it was the stupidest title for a book I had ever seen. And one of the stupidest books to have written in the first place.
Why is Sylvester Stallone not smart enough, with all his age, his hard-fought wisdom, to refuse to even entertain those abominable titles? Or, if he is not to blame, why is he not smart enough to use his HGH-fueled muscles to squeeze to death anyone partnered on this movie who suggested those titles in some meeting?
More importantly, why did Stallone--who wrote, directed, and starred in Rambo, ever in hot pursuit of Roman Polanski, Charlie Chaplin, and others for the title of Artistic King of Cinema--not also decide to compose the score and produce, or at least executive produce it (read: do nothing)?
How badly did nobody want this movie made? What manner of sick, disgusting, slobbery favors did Sly have to cash in to get cameras rolling? He had to give up producer credit on Rambo? Jennifer Love Hewitt gets fucking producer credit!
There were eighteen people who got some sort of producing credit on Rambo!!!
[Note: I did not include the two line producers in that number, as they actually did all of the work]
Hmmm...I wonder if he had a ghost director, and he gave up his producer credit for not-quite-deserved director credit, in his ongoing attempt to be appreciated as a man of letters...
I mean...he gave up tons of money (and maybe producer credit?) on Rocky, in order to be able to star in it himself (he wrote the script). And the producers of that movie didn't too badly for themselves...
The bottom line is: Stallone has personally made over $250million and been a creative force behind some enduring characters in the public consciousness. More than once, he has had to fight for what he wanted, and it seems he won far more than he lost.
So who am I to judge?
Side note: I once had the pleasure , several years ago, of being paid to help dismantle a large playhouse in the backyard of one half of the Rambo producing team of Chartoff/Winkler.
The last of Irwin Winkler's children was to be married in the expansive backyard soon, so the playground for the grandchildren had to be removed, sodded over, and then rebuilt after the wedding. Teams of people were dismantling different structures, hauling up mulch, laying down sod, trucks moving in and out--it was like a weird spin on an Amish barn raising. All for a rich person wedding!
Anyway, the property was amazing--the huge pool and his/hers poolhouse complex were in the distance in one direction, the two secluded tennis courts were in another, the house went on forever, the guest house was bigger than the house I grew up in, there was a manservant in a white jumpsuit waxing a series of vintage and modern sports cars in the forecourt, and outside the formal front entrance was parked an LAPD police car used in 48Hrs.
Winkler put it out there to scare burglars. It is always parked there. Still. I drive by it every so often to check and see. But even if I drive past one day and the squad car is absent, fear not for the Winkler clan, my brother, for they shan't have fallen on hard times. Two of his sons have managed to become producers on all of his movies, along with one of Chartoff's sons.
The dynasty shall outlast the sun...
Anyway, to finish this odd meandering blob off slyly, here are the most interesting tidbits from Sly's imdb trivia section: (Warning--there are a lot. Sorry, but they just kept getting better!)
- Oil paints in his spare time and considers Leonardo Da Vinci his personal hero.
- Birth complications, caused by forceps, resulted in paralysis of the lower left side of his face, manifested by a perennial snarl and slurred speech.
- He sued writer Peter "Taki" Theodoracopulos and the British magazine "The Spectator" in 1991 for suggesting he acted in a cowardly and hypocritical way when he "ducked the Vietnam War." He won the case.
- At 15, his classmates voted him the one "most likely to end up in the electric chair."
- Sued by model Margie Carr, who contends that he tried to force her to have physical relations with him last year at a Santa Monica Gym. [26 February 2001]
- 14 February 2002 - Sylvester sued his former business manager, Kenneth Starr, for giving him bad business advice. He claims $17M in damages. Part of the advice was for him to hold onto his shares in Planet Hollywood, the now bankrupt restaurant chain, despite it already being in a financial bind.
- His father Frank Stallone was a hairdresser and mother Jackie Stallone is a larger-than-life eccentric who's also sought fame as an astrologer and women's wrestling promoter. Her maiden name is Labofish.
- Was 23 years old when he got his first starring role in the porno The Party at Kitty and Stud's (1970) (which was re-released and renamed "The Italian Stallion" after his success with Rocky (1976)), in which he played the role of Stud The Italian Stallion. He was paid $200 to play the sex-craved gigolo and appeared in almost every scene nude.
- Attended the University of Miami on an athletic scholarship
- On 5 June 1994 he broke up with then-girlfriend Jennifer Flavin by sending her a "Dear Jane" letter via FedEx. They reconciled after one year, on 5 June 1995 and married on 17 May 1997.
- Turned down the role of John McClane in Die Hard (1988). The part went to Bruce Willis instead.
- Mother Jackie Stallone was a fan of Tyrone Power and had originally named him Tyrone Stallone, but when she got the birth certificate it had been changed by Sly's father Frank Stallone to Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone.
- Oddly, 1994 was one of the few years he was not nominated for an acting Razzie Award, even though he had appeared in both Cliffhanger (1993) and Demolition Man (1993), which had been nominated, with "Cliffhanger" receiving a nomination for Worst Screenplay, which Stallone had written himself.
- On 8 March 2005 he appeared in his first magazine issue of Sly which came out monthly. He was on the cover of every magazine and did most of the articles and interviews himself.
- On 10 May 2005 he published his book "Sly Moves: My Proven Program to Lose Weight, Build Strength, Gain Will Power, and Live Your Dream".
- Did all of his own singing in Rhinestone (1984).
- In 1988 he was offered $4 million to do an advert for an American beer commercial under the condition that he cut his hair; when he refused they offered a further $1 million to go to the barber - he still refused.
- The Golden Raspberry Award Foundation awarded him a special "Worst Actor of the Century" award in 2000.
- Was said to have only $106 in his bank account at the time the Rocky (1976) project was given the green light by producer Irwin Winkler.
- He was presented with a certificate of recognition by California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger for filming Rocky Balboa (2006) in Los Angeles at a time when other filmmakers are moving their business to cheaper states or overseas locations to cut costs. (22 December 2005). (what a strange, unnecessary ceremony that must have been)
- In 1986, following the enormous success of Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985), Stallone was received at the White House by President Ronald Reagan.
- Received the first Boxing Writers Association of America's award for lifetime cinematic achievement in boxing at the organization's 81st annual Awards Dinner at the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino in Las Vegas. (5 May 2006) (Who else was left at this point? Did I get second place? I watched Rocky a few times...)
- In 1971 he auditioned for a small part in Francis Ford Coppola's The Godfather (1972) but didn't get it. He decided he might have better luck as a writer. He wrote the screenplay for the modestly successful The Lord's of Flatbush (1974) and had a featured role in the film.
- The wax figure portraying Stallone as Rocky Balboa at the now defunct Movieland Wax Museum (Buena Park, California) was 5' 7" tall.
- His full frontal nude scene was edited out of Demolition Man (1993) prior to release, but can be viewed on the Internet.
- A lifelong Republican, he is one of President George W. Bush's two favorite actors. The other is fellow action hero and conservative Republican Chuck Norris. Both men attended Bush's inauguration as President in 2001.
- Despite his long association with the Republican Party, Stallone supported President Bill Clinton during his impeachment trial and hosted a Democratic fund raiser at his Miami home on 9 July 1998.
- In 1998, following the murder of his friend Phil Hartman, Stallone, then living in England, called for America to ban all guns. This caused some controversy, since he had used guns in many of his movies.
- All his children's names begin with the letter "S": Sage, Sargeoh, Sophia, Sistine and Scarlet.
- Pleaded guilty to bringing vials of restricted muscle-building hormones into Australia and faces sentencing next week. Lawyers for Stallone entered the guilty pleas on behalf of the actor, who did not appear before Sydney's Downing Center Local Court. The star was accused of bringing banned substances into Australia after a customs search of his luggage during a 16 February 2007 visit to Sydney revealed 48 vials of the human growth hormone product, Jintropin. (14 May 2007).
- Stallone claims to have been able to bench press 385-400 lbs (174.6-181.4 kg) and squat 500 lbs (226.8 kg) in his prime. While in a bench pressing contest with former Mr Olympia Franco Columbu, he severely tore his pectoral muscle and needed over 160 stitches on it. This is why one half of his chest is more veiny than the other.
- Turned down Christopher Reeve's role in Superman (1978), Jon Voight's role in Coming Home (1978), Eddie Murphy's role in Beverly Hills Cop (1984), Harrison Ford's role in Witness (1985), Bruce Willis's roles in Die Hard (1988) and Pulp Fiction (1994), John Travolta's role in Face/Off (1997), Samuel L. Jackson's role in Rules of Engagement (2000), and Kurt Russell's role in Death Proof (2007). (What? Stallone as Eddie Murphy?)
- Expelled from 14 schools for antisocial and violent behavior before the age of 13.
- "I really am a manifestation of my own fantasy."
- "People say, 'Come on, grow old gracefully.' No, why? I'm not ready. I know people will think Rocky is my story, but it's also my generation's story."
- "I'm now starting Rambo (2008) and I'm looking for a young actor to star opposite me. I've been looking for the next Robert Mitchum or Steve McQueen, but the fact is they just don't exist. Tough guys today are getting their hair done at Hollywood hairdressers. Whatever happened to having a beer and scratching your balls?"
- "I abused my body so much throughout my career that I am literally held together by glue. The stuff I took thickens the bones and reinforces the tendons."
- "I never had extraordinary genes or great bone structure, and I'm still very thin. What I try to do is create a body that every man can look at and say, 'You know, with a certain amount of dedication I can achieve the same thing.' I try to keep it in the realm of athletic, rather than unapproachable." (And where does the HGH fit in?)
- "I look back on Judge Dredd as a real missed opportunity. It seemed that lots of fans had a problem with Dredd removing his helmet, because he never does in the comic books. But for me it is more about wasting such great potential there was in that idea... it didn't live up to what it could have been. It probably should have been much more comic, really humourous, and fun. What I learned out of that experience was that we shouldn't have tried to make it 'Hamlet', it's more 'Hamlet & Eggs.'"
- "If I have a regret, it's that I didn't expand my acting when I was building my career. It often sounds pathetic when you hear actors say that they feel sorry for themselves - I've been very very blessed, believe me - but if I had to do it all over again I could have done both. You can do commercial films and then do small, independent, acting films. Bruce Willis has done it well, so it's possible. I wish I had done it, but that wasn't the style back then. You were either a studio actor or an independent actor. So I regret that."
- "During Rocky IV, Dolph [Lundgren] had hit me so hard I had swelling around the heart and had to stay in intensive care at St. John's Hospital for four days."
Bonus Points: Burt Reynold's imdb entry is also fascinating. If you're looking for a good story, something with heart, something with balls, try it out some time. I think you'll like it.
_
Now I Remember Why I Didn't Apply for This Job
Because, for some reason I can't quite put my finger on, I figured just about any reasonably-attractive girl in a bikini would probably beat me out for the role of Video Blogger On A Tropical Beach.
More importantly, who cares if the Russian minx is a porn actress? Was that in the rules? Is it really a problem? Is American prudery overtaking the globe at breakneck pace?
Must not be a porn actress--we don't want some sexy woman prone to flaunting her body and generating unbelievable amounts of free publicity; that is not what this whole affair is about...
_
At Least He's Clever
Not that I condone drunk driving, or idiocy, or mental illness, or most people who live in Pennsylvania or the United States or the planet Earth...but at least this guy had a plan.
I wonder how long he had that 'paperwork' in his glovebox, getting blind drunk at the Indian Casino every night and driving all the way home on the wrong side of the road, just begging for a chance to use it.
Something tells me it's been decades. Good job, Pennsylvania troopers! You got one!
Too bad his lawyer is so crafty he's sure to walk...
_
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Monkeys Do the Darnedest Things!
There is something going on in the world of British journalism lately. Something scary. Something called "poor journalism."
Exhibit A
My favorite bits from the article:
The monkey named Brother Kwan, who killed his owner by throwing a coconut at his head
"The animal – named Brother Kwan – found the work tedious and strenuous but Mr Janchoom refused to let him rest, dishing out beatings if he refused to climb trees."Really? How do you know Brother Kwan 'found the work tedious and strenuous,' journalist? Is that what he said when you interviewed him? What else did he have to say? Anything about me? A solution to the global financial crisis, perhaps? A recipe for an antidote to mankind's innate greed? I'd love to read through the transcripts of your interview tapes some day. Asshole.
"The dead man's wife said that the monkey had "seemed lovable" when they bought him for £130."GBP130? How many fucking coconuts did this poor monkey have to pull down each day--at 4p each, street value (which seems cheap)--to earn his keep, once costs for his food, booze, and patent-leather shoe fetish are also taken into account? No wonder he killed the guy.
As for a chimpanzee mentioned in the article, Santino, who spent most of his free time over the last twelve years wisely gathering well-shaped projectiles to hurl at useless people who pay money to gawk at him:
"Scientists believe [Santino's] behaviour is the strongest proof yet that humans are not the only creatures which can make plans for the future."Huh? What about all the animals that store up fat for hibernation? What about all the animals who gather up stores of food for the winter? What about all the animals who fly/swim/march their way back to breeding grounds for booty and procreation?
Such vague statements will not stand, man; they will not stand. Can we get no more details on why these scientists would make such an outrageous claim? Really, I could stand it; I could tolerate at least...four more lines of this article, maybe even forty. Because maybe there is a good explanation for it, but you didn't give it to me. This article kind of did.
Exhibit B
What is the cure for this poor-journalism illness ravaging London?
Shit, I don't know--I'm not a doctor, thankfully, since I've never met a happy one. So...ask somebody else who is--but not the drunk ones, or the ones in the pocket of the pharmaceutical industry. Wait--on second thought, before you go, I might as well hazard a guess, partly because I might be your best option, mostly in case it winds up being right: kill all suspected infected, salt the earth beneath them.
_
Ten Dollars and Two Goats for the Ugly One!
Oh, this beautiful planet, this fantastic sphere...such resplendent secrets you hold in store!
Somewhere in southern Bulgaria--just south of the donkey, make a right at the at the weird-looking rock, if you see the rabid she-wolf chained to the petrified witch you've gone too far--they still sell women in the town square.
Even though I'm sure this is a tradition that has been a part of the Roma culture for a long time, interestingly, the ugly old mothers have yet to learn that they should NOT stand so close to their daughters and show the prospective husbands what their daughters will look like in twenty years. Yikes! And it's not like it was so easy a sale to begin with, mama!
"At the market in the village of Mogila near Stara Zagora, the price of a beautiful young woman is said to be several thousand levs/euros."So...wait--how much do non-beautiful girls fetch? I mean, that would seem a more relevant question for this journalist to answer, seeing as none of the girls in the accompanying photos could be considered beautiful.
And what about interviewing some of the men, the vaunted customers? How do they save up so much money? What is it they do for a living? What do they look for in a bride when they go shopping? Do they check their teeth like they do those of horses? Is virginity prized in the women, yet never expected from the men doing the purchasing? How often do girls go to these before they sell, on average?
Why is there so little text accompanying these photos, about such a fascinating subject?
Can I interview the person who wrote this article? And then get funded to go cover this event myself next year?
I think the world would be a lot better off if I could, for some hard-to-describe reason...
_
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
That's A Lot of Drugs
As part of the federal and (certain) state governments' ongoing, futile, and fantastically financially wasteful assault on soft drug use in the United States, 194 Phish fans were arrested this past weekend at one of the initial shows of their reunion tour.
$1.2 million worth of drugs were seized, along with $68,000 in cash.
I can't even imagine how 194 people were carrying $1.2 million worth of drugs on them, especially considering most people were probably only buying/selling weed and mushrooms (or do people snort cocaine at Phish shows now, for some strange reason?)
Something tells me the police the Hampton Police Department is going to have the best party in the county this weekend...
_
Saturday, March 7, 2009
My Two Cents
Can we just start arresting people like this asshole Alexis Stenfors?
I mean, it isn't that much of a stretch to peg him for grand larceny, and I think a nice year or so in jail would give him some time to think about what he did...
_
Four Year Old Boy Wins Island!
Okay, let's forget for the moment that this boy is four years old. Let's put yourself in his shoes instead.
You won exclusive use of a beautiful, uninhabited, tropical island--including a hut with electricity and running water, as well as free food and drink--from May to December.
Awesome!
Oh, wait--you can only use it for 15 days. And you can only use those 15 days in 3-day bursts. And you can only bring 7 other people with you. But they all have to be members of your family.
What the fuck?! Talk about a fine-print bummer!
Obviously, this is still a cool thing, I guess, but now there is so much difficulty involved. Now you must arrange for round-trip transportation from home to your island five times. Now you must leave as soon as you get truly comfortable and relaxed in your new peaceful tropical environment. Now you must be surrounded by the family you may have been trying to take a vacation from--or be totally alone.
With all these things in mind, it is a good thing the boy is only four years old. He needs family members to feed him and wipe his ass and make sure he doesn't try to kiss a poisonous snake. And I'm sure the parents of a four-year old child would love a vacation. So, the strictness of the award in mind, I think it went to probably the best possible recipient. Which is an odd thing to think about, when you think about what the award sounded like in the first place.
I mean, what the hell is the point of having exclusive rights to something if you are so limited in your use of it? Why can't he just stay there from May to December, if nobody else will be using the hut and its surrounding scenic beauty?
This makes me want to fly to Taiwan and give somebody a piece of my mind. Maybe even multiple people. This is a new thing for me--a first. Which means I might actually do it! I love firsts! And I'd love to forge a birth certificate and get in on some of these 3-day vacations, get to know the boy, the island, the tropical beaches, the local fishes, etc.
I'll keep you posted.
Bonus read: This is the article from where I yoinked that awesome photo, after a Google image search for 'four year old boy'. (A search I perform nightly. Kidding!)
_
Finally!
A Marmaduke movie!
What could be more relevant than a stupid-ass 1954 comic strip about a misbehaving Great Dane?
Let me guess--the dog is big and sits on a lot of people's laps. To great comedic effect. And something tells me there will be an hilarious 'slobber scene.' And there will somehow be a romance involved, for Marmaduke or one or more of its owners. And they'll probably throw in a teen vampire for good measure, to cover their demos.
As much as I love to hate on the Marmaduke movie, of which I am unfortunately now irretrievably aware, though, there is so much more to hate-on in the article linked to above.
Alvin and the Chipmunks made $358 million worldwide? Who the fuck saw that movie? And, more importantly, just because a lot of people saw it does not imply that the same people liked it. It could have just been a lot of misled first-timers; the type of people who would probably not watch a sequel. Hollywood never seems to understand this phenomenon. Hence the numerous bombing big-budget sequels...
Alvin and the Chipmuks: The Squeakquel? It would hard to think of a more irritatingly-awful title.
Walter the Farting Dog?
Tom Dey, the director of the upcoming Marmaduke debacle also directed Shanghai Noon, Showtime, and Failure to Launch? Wait, and he is repped by Endeavor but Endeavor hasn't realized they should earn their 10%--and, more importantly for them, guarantee that there will be future income for them to take 10% of--and suppress this kind of imformation?
The only bright spot of this article is the fact that Marley & Me has only grossed $166 million worldwide. It must be killing Jennifer Aniston and the producers/distributors that Alvin & the Fucking Chipmunks made more than twice that amount. Ha ha!
_
Now I've Heard Everything
Apparently, there is a retirement home for chimpanzees who were actors.
The home was funded largely by the late Johnny Carson, who bequeathed the center (in his home state of Nebraska) $1 million in his will, in addition to donations given while he was still breathing.
The idea of a chimpanzee retirement home is funny enough--but one that is exclusively for those who were actors? Is there also one for chimpanzee Harvard alumni? (And a separate one for Yale, obviously) How about the Chimpanzee Daughters of the American Revolution?
What is so perilously wrong with humanity that we do such things?
_
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
For Some Reason
For some reason, I wanted to see what Joe Francis was up to these days. I wanted to see what matter of hilarious new scandals he is embroiled in these days.
I was in no way prepared for THIS.
Does somebody up there love me enough to provide such amusement, such fodder? Or does the credit belong to somebody operating far beneath me, perhaps even picturesquely engulfed in somehow-dark flames?
Regardless, thanks for the laughs!
_
Enter Ronaldina
" I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that--did you say 'one big mac'or 'shit your pants and say your prayers, America?' "
In trying to discover why this is one of the creepiest things I have ever seen, I learned things about myself about which I would much rather have remained blissfully ignorant.
I won't share.
_
Monday, March 2, 2009
Looking for the Strongest 'Regular' American
Season 1 winner?Much like American Idol searches for an American singing sensation without including the best singers in the competition, it looks as though CBS' new stupid reality show America's Strongest American will not actually be searching for the strongest man.
"Strongest" will differ from the strongman competitions seen on networks like ESPN, where professional muscleheads compete for weightlifting titles. The challenges will be scaled to suit a more average physique. The project continues a recent trend toward networks developing lighter and more comedic reality fare.Huh? What is the point? Why not just call it "Search for the Strongest Man on the Show?" Talk about a way to make the men more 'appealing.' Who likes those beefy, veiny steroid guys? Let's get some lithe little gay hotties in there to get America watching! Preferably a few mixed-race entries for a dash of exoticism...
And I wouldn't say this is the result of a trend toward 'lighter and more comedic reality fare'; it's a trend toward 'cheaper programming' to fill time slots. Because for some reason, all the really expensive shitty sitcoms and dramas created by the same ten people every year just aren't working out with the public.
It must be the economy...
_
Sunday, March 1, 2009
How Badly Does Bono Want Mick Jagger to Die?
Answer: So much so that he must have paid the writer of this article not to mention the Rolling Stones once in an article about "the last of the megabands." He's trying to kill him by pretending he doesn't exist!
The all-across-the-map ravings of a self-obsessed, too-rich-and-powerful-for-his-own-good Peter Pan surrounded by naught save deep-pocketed sycophants both amuse and infuriate me.
Am I alone?
_
Thanks, Dumb People
This is sending the wrong message. Trust me.
If you would just sit out these awful movies, maybe things will get better! Maybe Hollywood would decide to try anything--ANYTHING--to get you back! Maybe they would be forced to retreat to the shadowy domain of 1970s-style, auteur-controlled, character movies!
Be honest--who saw Pink Panther 2? Who? Jump off a cliff--you're ruining our chances! Now they will only make a third! And more Madea Goes To Jails and Paul Blarts! No! Noooooooo!!!
Where will the downward spiral end? A Brett Ratner remake of Weekend At Bernie's starring The Coreys and Burt Reynolds? Come on, people! Save yourselves from yourselves!
_
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
