From the Vault: Movie Recommendation

There is a movie called The Boondock Saints that has attained a cult-hit status among the Fast & Furious crowd (read: the male equivalent of the Made of Honor crowd) over the past few years.

Despite the fact that Willem Dafoe is in it, this movie sucks.

However, there was also a documentary made about the making of this movie that is awesome. This movie is called Overnight and you should watch it. I've already watched it 400 times and never regretted it.

The Pitch:

The writer/director of the useless turd known as The Boondock Saints is a pudgy prick named Troy Duffy. Troy was a bartender at a bar in West Hollywood who somehow managed not only to sell a script to Harvey Weinstein (of Miramax) for six-figures, but also to get his shitty band a deal to record the soundtrack. As icing on the cake, Harvey even bought the bar Troy worked in and made him a partner.

Sounds great, right?

Troy thought so, too. After he finished puffing his feathers and strutting around the mating grounds unnoticed, he told his bandmates the good news and hired two friends of his to make a documentary about how awesome he is.

All I can say is, we're all fortunate that the releases got signed while emotions were running high, because they are no longer friends yet we get to see the crash and burn in all its glory; this is a rags to riches to rags story, after all.

Rent it!


[Paid for by The Committee to Keep Harvey Weinstein Afloat For Some Reason]

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what the fuck

How easy do you need to make a test before you just decide to pass everybody and end the whole charade?

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Item: Teabaggers Aren't Republicans!

They just act like them.

The gist of this New York Times article about Teabaggers is that they are a motley crew of anti-tax crusaders, financial conservatives, strict defenders of the Constitution, crazy people with guns, armchair economists with embarrassing math skills, and people who don't know what socialism is.

They hate Republicans and Democrats alike, blaming them--especially Bush and Obama, naturally--for how fucked-up the country is today.

It doesn't seem to bother the Teabaggers that they didn't have a problem with anything the government was doing until the economy tanked and people started losing jobs, bankers started receiving Republican bailouts, etc. It's just coincidence, I guess.


For some reason, these unaffiliated angry citizens have not formed their own political party, despite how catchy and down-homey The Tea Party sounds (think of all the stuffed animals and dollies that would join the fight!).

Instead, they have thrown in their lot with the Republicans--aka the guys with the most blood on their hands. The Republicans, predictably, have responded with open arms and begun eagerly courting these wily mustangs, grateful that anybody still loves them:

At a Tea Party protest in Las Vegas, Joe Heck, a Republican running for Congress, blamed both the Democratic and Republican Parties for moving the country toward “socialistic tyranny.”

In Texas, Gov. Rick Perry, a Republican seeking re-election, threw his support behind the state sovereignty movement.

And in Indiana, Richard Behney, a Republican Senate candidate, told Tea Party supporters what he would do if the 2010 elections did not produce results to his liking: “I’m cleaning my guns and getting ready for the big show. And I’m serious about that, and I bet you are, too.”

(courtesy NYTimes.com)

Really, Richard Behney? You're gonna go cowboy on us and shoot up the statehouse or something? Because of the unfavorable results of a democratic election? What are you saying here, that you will literally obstruct the will of the people and throw a wrench in the democratic process? That seems...hypocritical, doesn't it?

Or are you saying that sometimes a minority is more intelligent and capable than the undereducated masses, that it would be better for the country to be ruled by an elite oligarchy than by those most able to buy/cheat/steal elections?

Cuz that's funny, since I believe the same thing. Most people do. The problem is that we all disagree on who should be a member of that oligarchy. You think it should consist of Harley-riding tax-allergic plumbers with gun collections and I think it should only include logical, forward-thinking, compassionate, smart people without irrational religious convictions or firearms.

I think we're both going to be very disappointed come November.

My life will go on much the same, I reckon. Will you stay true to your word and ready your guns for battle?


I wonder. Because something tells me you're not the kind of guy that wants to risk his asshole in an Indiana penitentiary for any cause and that regardless of what happens in November, you'll wind up going home and fondling your gun by yourself. Per usual.

But, then again, I don't really know you. Let's see what kind of man you are:

My wife and I have three children. We moved to Fishers, Indiana in 1994 from Tennessee and fell in love with Indiana. My plumbing business operates in the central Indiana area. I love being an entrepreneur. I enjoy working alongside my plumbing crew, sitting on the back of a truck at the end of a hard day and talking about life. I also like where I live, going to football games and having my neighbors over for a backyard cookout. My wife and I often dream of the day when we have all of our kids raised and we ride a Harley down to Key West for an extended vacation. In other words, I am in the midst of living out the American Dream.

(courtesy RichardBehney.com)

Yep--I was right. Now stop yapping like Glenn Beck's lapdog and get outta my face, Dick--I've got my own oligarchy to mobilize.

Or maybe I'll start that next year...


Dessert:



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And the Hot Trend in Fashion This Season Is...

Oddly (or is it?) coinciding with Oscar season, the month-long back-slapping circus that is Fashion Season has officially begun.

It is Fashion Week in New York City, people.

And your favorite Authority on Everything, Goodtime Charlie, has front-row seats in Bryant Park. Who will he love? Who will he hate? The world wants to know; the world will never get to know, unless it first has sex with me.


Before those pesky Winter Olympics copycats made it passe, MBFW/NYC claimed its first casualty just as the first black-rhino-skin stilettos were poised for the opening runway strut, beneath a malnourished-but-still-very-fuckable-come-on-let's-give-her-a-break waif.

Yes, edgy British wunderkind Alexander McQueen is dead at 40, found hanging from a rope in his multi-million-dollar London apartment, Simon & Garfunkel's Richard Cory on repeat:



Fear not--the show went on as scheduled, folks.

Trendy tragedy aside, I must report that one thing has been made abundantly clear at Fashion Week:

Expensive clothes are totally "in" this season.

This unexpected development sent shockwaves across the globe, surprising attentive clothes-wearers from the halls of the New York Athletic Club to the chateaux of Gstaad. Their concerns mingled with cigar smoke in the rafters of five-star bistros the world over:

"How will we know which of these items to choose?"
"What shoes do I wear with these gowns?"
"How on Earth does one stylishly pair these exquisite separates?"

Fear not, my fellow fashionistas--as always, I have the answer:

Meet Toni Ferrara, who is just one of many fashion stylists available to you for an initially-exorbitant-seeming-but-then-totally-reasonable-when-you-think-about-it fee. How reasonable, you ask?

Check it:

Thank God there are such selfless souls out there willing to affordably perform these essential services. Can you imagine how dreary the dock denizens of Dubrovnik would look otherwise? I hesitate to even contemplate that garish scene...


On the other hand, if you are so stinking rich that you don't even know what numbers mean or that poor people exist, then you qualify for the services of Yours Truly and should contact me immediately so we can begin draining one of your off-shore trusts post-haste.

Trust me--it's worth it.

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Italy Takes a Brave Step

Sono spiacente, bambinas, but if you are a woman in Italy younger than 18, you are no longer allowed to get breast implants.

If anybody needed concrete evidence that Berlusconi's power has waned, this is it, folks.

The details, according to The Telegraph:

[Italian Undersecretary Francesca Martini] said: "This legislation is primarily aimed at the growing number of girls under 18 who have breast enhancement surgery purely for fashion reasons and have no idea of the risks involved.

"Far too many adolescent girls are unaware of the fact that there are risks with this type of surgery and it should not be used purely for fashion and looks. At the moment we have a Wild West, cowboy style system of plastic surgery for young women and this must stop."

So, wait. They are not aware of the risks involved and they do it for fashion? I had trouble understanding you since you repeated everything twice; maybe that's why you're still an undersecretary, Frankie?

Anyway, the Undersecretary for Redundancy made it very clear that this "Wild West, cowboy-style" system has gotten out of hand and is out of control. So...exactly what kind of numbers are we talking about here?

According to statistics from the Italian Society of Plastic Surgeons there are around 85,000 breast enhancement operations a year in Italy, of which 70 per cent are for aesthetic reasons and 30 per cent follow cancer treatment.

Okay...but how many teenagers, since that's the point here? Well, it turns out the Telegraph did not feel like that was an important detail, but according to Huffington Post, "approximately 10,000 teenage girls worldwide had the surgery performed in 2008."

Too many? Certainly.

"Cowboy?" No.

Unless 99% of them occurred in Italy, which I find difficult to believe considering the current level of Stateside shenanigans...

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When Will All the Strippers Meet Their One and Only?

Will it be the same day the video-game nerds get theirs? Will these two seemingly disparate worlds one day be cosmically linked, their union blessed by the good Lord, when the customers finally decide to buy the merchandise and the merchandise relents in order to retire to a life of comfort, boredom, painkillers, and torrid affairs with lawncare workers?


It isn't hard to imagine, since it seems just about anybody can find a perfect mate once they consult a computer and find a member of the opposite sex who also likes nachos and Spiderman 3.

Am I being cynical here or is hyper-convenient, low-risk, algorithmically-blessed, manufactured love more than a life raft for desperate/ugly people who would rather settle for something harmless than risk failing in their life-long quest for companionship?

Well, let us put our collective ear to the ground and gather some evidence the old-fashioned way, shall we?

"The first guy I dated was the one for me--I've never been more sure of anything in my whole life, despite my lack of any sort of comparative relationship. We have sex once a year, on his birthday, and I pretend not to notice how much time he spends looking at porn on his computer."

"We got engaged two weeks after we had our first webchat. We just had so much in common that we didn't want to waste any more time than we already had. I mean, he really wants to have kids and so do I. Since I'm 29 years old, I was at the point where that was really the only thing I was looking for in a man. LOL! It's kinda true, though..."

"Anyway, she reached for the potato salad at the exact same time as I went for the buttered poundcake a la mode at the TGIFriday buffet and as soon as our sausage-fingered hands accidentally touched, I immediately knew that, although we may have our differences, we will never, ever part ways, no matter how unhappy we will become."

Hmmmm...I remain unconvinced. It should be noted, however, that as I get around more than a Greyhound bus, I have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to a man and a woman mating for life. Maybe it's sheer bliss?
That being said, here is my questionable advice to all those would be lovers out there:

Ladies: Stop expecting to meet your man on a yacht somewhere, since you've never even known anybody with a boat and you grew up in Wisconsin. Stop being so picky, expand your horizons, try it on with a lot more guys so you actually know a good thing when you find it. Your savior is near, but he probably has more hair on his back than you imagined.

Gentlemen: You're not all going to wind up married to a model. Lower your physical standards a bit and find a girl who's interesting, because no matter who you are, you two will be doing much more talking than fucking. Oh--and don't just get married because it's what you think you should do after college or because you're afraid you'll wind up alone. In addition to being depressed a lot, lonely old bachelors have a lot of fun--usually more than married old men. Instead of putting two kids through college, how about you take a sex vacation to Thailand four times a year? You have options.

There you have it. Now get out there and make it happen, people!

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I Think This Is What the Kids Call a 'Hot Mess'

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I'll Have a Heart Attack, Please

Tired of paying for food?

Just gain like 200 pounds, move to Arizona or Florida, and you can eat for free until you die young. It's true!

Two cardiac-arrest-themed fast food joints on opposite sides of country are locked in a federal lawsuit over restaurant themes.

Heart Attack Grill in Chandler, Ariz. has sued Heart Stoppers Sports Grill in Delray Beach, Fla. Heart Attack's owners argue that Heart Stoppers is too similar to their own restaurant.

Both feature monstrously fatty menus, scantily-clad "nurse" waitresses, and signage with an EKG design. At both restaurants, customers over 350 lbs. eat for free. At Heart Attack Grill, customers who finish the biggest burger on the menu get wheeled out of the restaurant in a wheelchair.

According to Heart Attack's owners, the proprietors of Heart Stoppers were in talks to open a franchise of Heart Attack Grill before they opened their own restaurant in December.

(full article here)

Well, I think the lawsuit is pretty cut and dry, in favor of the Heart Attack Grill. But what about all the future lawsuits, from customers who actually do have heart attacks after eating at their restaurant? I mean, they don't really have a leg to stand on there, since they practically brag about how their food causes heart attacks...

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Don't Fuck With a Canadian Donut Store Franchisee

Get a load of this stupid shit that went down in Canada recently, eh:

A coffee enthusiast in St. Andrews, N.B., has learned the customer may not always be right.

After complaining three times about "burnt" decaffeinated coffee at the local Tim Hortons, Jimmy Craig is now banned for life from that outlet and the one in nearby St. Stephen.

"It was like brown, burnt water," said Craig. "I almost, you know, got sick in the sink."

Craig said he voiced his concerns to the store manager and corporate office, then got a meeting with the owner, Edwin Dow.

That's when Dow served Craig with a letter banning him under the province's trespass act.

Craig has contacted a lawyer to try to get the ban overturned.

Meanwhile, he can only return to the Tim Hortons if he's on the job as a paramedic, responding to a medical emergency.

So he's brewing his own coffee at home, which, he said, is cheaper and always fresh.

(full text of article here)

First of all, no coffee enthusiast drinks DECAF, much less decaf from a shitty donut shop. That would be like calling a guy who drink O'Doul's a beer aficionado.

Second of all, Jimmy Craig, if the coffee sucks...why do you care if they ban you from their store? Do you want to keep buying/drinking shitty coffee? Is the local Tim Hortons where girls go to get picked up by overweight middle-aged men?

I don't get it.

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Review In Brief: A Single Man

Dear GTC,

I finally saw A Single Man, directed by Tom Ford, and even though the projection wasn't so great at the shitty theater, I could tell the movie was pretty lush.

Too lush? It struck me as little more than a 99-minute perfume ad starring Colin Firth, Julianne Moore, and two bad actors that play male sex objects.

More than anything, this movie made me want to be rich, so that I could not work very much but still afford a beautiful glass house in the hills--near the beach--and wear a nice watch, fine suits, expensive cologne, drive a Mercedes roadster...

Does this make me gay?

-Lost In Los Angeles

_____________________

Dear LILA,

Maybe. It depends on what sort of people you like to have sex with.

-GoodtimeCharlie

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For No Reason Whatsoever

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Eureka!

I finally figured it out, what's been bothering me about Crazy Heart--it is nothing more than a trailer that was turned into a movie.

It has everything and nothing going for it at once. Think about it:

A whiskey-drunk country singer at the end of his rope (The Dude) meets a sexy young girl (Maggie Gyllenhaal), makes nice with his old friends (Robert Duvall, Colin Farrell), writes a hit song, fucks up, goes straight, and learns a lesson.

Boom. Great. Sign me up for a spoon-fed three-course meal. It doesn't matter to me that Maggie Gyllenhaal and Colin Farrell are atrocious in this movie, or that Robert Duvall is as useless as a bowtie on a turd--tie that motherfucker up with a white ribbon and throw it in a Big Brown Bag, cuz I'll give ya eight bucks for it, Mr. Producer, sir! I don't even care that this was a stupid story told by committee, manufactured to win Oscars despite itself!

Oh, we the sheep are so gullible, aren't we? Especially if the whole trailer is in slow motion, with a heartfelt song playing over it--and mentions an award-winning cast, too!


Funny thing the trailer neglects to mention is that the story is not only painfully trite, but also told by an amateur with no talent.

But that's not important right now.

Gotcha!

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No, Thanks

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The Oscars are Nearly Upon Us...

...and it's time to get ready!

(Come on--you know how long it takes those stars to primp!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Anyway, here are my picks for who brings home the hardware this year:


Best Picture - Avatar
Let's be honest--everybody is going to vote for this movie. That is all I want to say about it.


Best Director - Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
This is certainly an upset, but if accomplished directors of animated movies get snubbed year after year, then so should Cameron. After all, his story is heavy-handed and trite, while Bigelow made a compelling, nuanced, pants-peeing-tense movie with a few characters out in the middle of a desert. I still think Jeremy Renner's trip home to his wife could have been more effective, but that's a small complaint when considered alongside the failings of Avatar. Besides, I feel like it's time a woman gets this award and what better time than when she deserves it?


Best Actor - Jeremy Renner
Jeff Bridges seems to be a lock for this award, sadly, since Crazy Heart was atrocious, but I think a lot of people who voted for him at the Golden Globes hadn't even seen the movie yet. I think they will have seen it by now and they will give the award to Jeremy Renner because he's better. If Bridges gets it, obviously it is for The Big Lebowski, and that just isn't fair...


Best Actress - Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia
I wish I could give this award to Gabourey Sidibe, but I think a nomination is the rookie's reward here. She peaked too soon and Mo'Nique stole all her thunder. Meryl is just too good, too popular, and (I hear) too amazing as Julia Child--not to mention the fact that way more people saw her movie. Unfortunately, Sandra Bullock has a chance here, for her turn in Precious for the Suburbs, but I can't imagine her actually winning.


Best Supporting Actor - Cristoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
This is an easy choice. Waltz was the best part of the movie (which, as others have pointed out, was actually a weakness of the movie, since he was a supporting villain). Overall, I liked the movie more than I thought I would, but it started to lose me as soon as the Basterds turned out to be totally incompetent, in order to put their mission in jeopardy and the audience on the edge of their collective seat, drowning in tension that wasn't really there. Despite the fact that I loved the revisionist ending, by that point I was watching from afar, no longer passionately entangled in the movie.

By the way, since Tarantino refuses to tell anybody why he spelled 'bastards' incorrectly, hoping we will wonder about it forever and think him brilliantly coy for not telling us, I will tell you. It's because, despite the fact that most of what he does is blatantly rip off other writers/directors and combine things in a new and interesting way, he wants to be known as a totally unique cultural force. Using the same title as another movie does not help his case, so he took advantage of the technicality of spelling it incorrectly, hoping you will think this was an intentional stylistic choice, refusing to explain it because his explanation would sound stupid and make him seem pretentious and hypocritical, and, most importantly, guaranteeing his movie its own imdb entry. When I searched imdb for 'Inglorious Bastards' not too long before the movie came out, the Italian movie came up first, under its English-language title; now, imdb only refers to that movie under its original Italian name and Tarantino's baby pops up first. Hmmm...you know that ain't no accident...


Best Supporting Actress - Mo'Nique, Precious
She would also be a lock for Best Ill-Advised Body Hair, but that is sadly not a category yet. As Precious' derelict mother, Mo'Nique is pure coiled terror, filthy, revolting, self-loathing, violent, childish, authoritative, unpredictable...a complicated woman, to be sure. In terms of her unnecessary persecution of an innocent adversary, is she the peacetime version of Christoph Waltz's Hans Landa? Hmm...regardless, it's worth mentioning that the supporting statues both go to villains this year. How will this affect my stocks?


Best Adapted Screenplay - Up in the Air
The screenplays are the toughest categories this year. Of those that are nominated, I would probably choose Precious--even though it's hardly a screenwriting gem--but I think the people gotta give the populist Up in the Air something, despite the fact that the movie is supremely overrated and poorly, obtrusively directed by the spoiled-rotten, second-generation Jason Reitman. His nomination as Best Director is an embarrassment on par with the nomination of The Blind Side and An Education for Best Picture, but without the excuse of 'well, there are ten this year, so...'

Q: How would the same screenplay have fared in the hands of a more talented auteur (like P.T. Anderson or David Fincher)?

A: Probably a lot better, due to the deliciously dark themes running throughout, so perhaps this is a case of a good script (adapted from a book) being twisted around by a brat director (who also tried to deprive the original screenwriter of his credit)? Who knows. Luckily for Sheldon and Reitman, it was a weak year for screenplays and this is their award to lose.



Speaking of the Reitmans, the "long-awaited" Ghostbusters 3 is currently in development, so there should be enough money piling up for Jason to direct not-horrible-but-just-not-very-good-because-of-the-director movies for the rest of his life...


Best Original Screenplay - The Hurt Locker
I haven't seen The Messenger, but I don't know that anybody else has either; I liked A Serious Man more than I thought I would, but it's no sparkler and the Coens have enough hardware already; no animated movie has ever won best screenplay, so Up is probably up a creek; Basterds just wasn't good enough...gotta go with The Hurt Locker on this one, even though I would never in a million years have touted its writing...


Best Foreign Language Film - The White Ribbon
Yeah, it's black and white--but that's a good thing! I wasn't the biggest fan of Funny Games, but I did like what it was going for and I do love Naomi Watts' naked body. Where was I? Oh, yeah--Haneke is a pro and this movie deserves some recognition. More than the others? Who knows. Has anybody actually seen all of the nominated movies?


Best Animated Film - Up
Coraline was slow; Fantastic Mr. Fox was disappointingly pointless; Princess and the Frog is from another era and not in a good way; The Secret of Kells is probably great but nobody will be able to see it in time. Up wins, despite it not being up to snuff as far as Pixar releases go; that being said, my opinion of it did improve upon a second viewing...


Best Art Direction - Sherlock Holmes
This is a tough category this year, on par with the screenplays, if for a different reason (art direction is generally top-notch in every big release, since accountants and businessmen luckily fail to micromanage and fuck up props/sets/etc, which sadly cannot be said for screenplays). So, anyway, ummm...maybe Terry Gilliam will dark-horse it because he always focuses more on art direction than plot, character, or dialogue, and he has a great rep despite never impressing me post-Python? Otherwise, I see this going to either Avatar or Sherlock Holmes, which I hear had pretty great set design/set decoration (haven't seen it yet, waiting for DVD because we all should have). While I'm talking about it, I might as well say it: I'm disappointed that Holmes ignores Sherlock's addiction to opium, since this one occasionally-crippling weakness rounded out his otherwise-perfect character nicely. Why must we slave for a PG-13 rating at the expense of character depth and realism? Well, I say 'we' when I am not in the mix at all...so, let me rephrase that--why must 'they' do this?


Best Cinematography - The Hurt Locker
I can't imagine Avatar will get this, although one can never count out the juggernaut. Never saw Harry Potter, but I don't think Bruno Delbonnel has a chance. The White Ribbon looks beautiful...but I have to give the nod to The Hurt Locker because it's a critical darling with a great visual style.


Best Costume Design - Who Cares
I didn't see any of the nominated movies and doubt I ever will. In case I need a tie-breaker in my office pool, I'll take a stab: Coco Before Chanel. Although Terry Gilliam's clusterfuck could be a dark horse here...


Best Documentary Feature - Whichever One is About the Holocaust
Or The Cove, because it's about a dolphin holocaust and it looks good.


Best Documentary Short - Don't Care
Is there even any way to see these movies? Would I even want to? Generally, no. My shot in the dark: Rabbit a la Berlin, because it has an interesting subject matter that also happens to be cute and fluffy and kind of relates to the Holocaust.


Best Editing - The Hurt Locker
What can I say? It was well-edited. So were most of the others, but, you know, whatever.


Best Make-Up - Star Trek
The entrants look weak this year. Il Divo has a man aging several decades; Star Trek has aliens; The Young Victoria is a British period piece that doesn't cover much of a time span. Hmmm...I'll vote with aliens in the most popular movie nominated.


Best Original Score - Up
Why not?


Best Original Song - "The Weary Kind" from Crazy Heart
The song isn't that good. Or maybe it is--but it doesn't really play any part in the movie. We see Jeff Bridges sing a few words and say "I just wrote a hit song!" but we don't really get to hear it. Then it comes in again toward the very end, but before it gets going they cut it off and go to the credits, over which they replay the song with a different singer. In other words, the song is hardly used as a powerful punctuation mark to whatever it was this movie was trying to say, so how can it really be called 'the theme to Crazy Heart?' Who cares...it will win.


Best Sound Editing - The Hurt Locker
The sound awards are always a bit suspicious. I know why they separate the two categories, but when the Legion of Bitter Nerdy Sound Guys decide to give the award to the same movie and when they split it up seems somewhat random. So I'm voting The Hurt Locker for editing, since they had to work in all the explosions and silence and dialogue and did it well.


Best Sound Mixing - Avatar
Avatar gets it because their soundscape was a lot more complicated and, I have to assume, well-mixed. If not, the sound guys should have to refund their salaries, since they had forever to do the job and as much money as they wanted.


Best Visual Effects - Avatar
Does anybody in the world have a different pick for this one?


What I Can't Believe - That A Single Man was not nominated for Best Picture, Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, or Best Costume Design

One of the best-reviewed films of the year--a beautifully-shot, lush, period drama about life for a British ex-pat in 1960s LA, directed by a top fashion designer with an eye for detail--gets only one nomination (Colin Firth's hopeless Best Actor nod) in a lukewarm year? Something doesn't smell quite right here...

I can see snubbing him for Best Director, since that was a strong category this year and he's a rookie, but is Tom Ford really so universally loathed that they would snub the movie so severely?

Only one way to find out..."Go-Go-Gadget Microphone! Into every Hollywood heavyweight's house at once!"


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