Gwyneth Paltrow Finally Gets Her Due

Yes, she sometimes has a penis; she's that talented.

In a ceremony presided over by Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II this morning in the throne room at Windsor Castle, everybody's favorite shining star Gwyneth Paltrow received what is heretofore considered the United Kingdom's highest honor--the title of 'Renaissance Woman.'

Since I know you are all wondering, yes--QEII was looking particularly fine in the early morning British fog, her devilishly toned flesh frustratingly obscured by a brown chenille Alexander McQueen muumuu that flew off the shelves at Harrod's by lunchtime.

Gwyneth even once mastered the art of pretending to use crutches in a photo

Flush from the thrill of receiving a meaningless honor she created for herself, Ms. Paltrow bubbled-over as she addressed legions of fans from atop the tall tower while twirling her lustrous blond locks and inadvertently calling to mind a much-more-beautiful, modern-day Rapunzel:

Call me crazy, but I think 'Dames' are so old-fashioned. I'm a modern woman! Who just happens to be a throwback to Leonardo Davinci because I work so much harder than everybody else and I'm blessed. This is fun for me, but mostly it's great to think that the whole world now has a decorated role model that doesn't smell like Judi Dench and exhibits mastery in everything she touches but isn't afraid to still giggle and fart.

At that, Ms. Paltrow began launching rice cakes into the rowdy throngs of worshippers below, occasionally posing for the paparazzi with a million-dollar smile (literally) as the starving masses at the base of the stone tower tore each other limb-from-limb for a taste of the good stuff.

Scotland Yard helps quell the ruthless rioters (Photo courtesy Reuters)

Nothing Is Sacred Editor-in-Chief Goodtime Charlie had the pleasure of sitting down with Her Paltrowness for a few moments today once Scotland Yard was able to sublimate the rioters and enforce a thousand-meter safe zone around a nearby Jamba Juice with three artillery battalions and a few studs on horseback.


Goodtime Charlie: My dear Gwyneth, you look ravishing--but you probably already knew that.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Haha. I did. But that doesn't mean it isn't still nice to hear. I love positive things, I just really love being positive.

Words to Live By

"And if there's anything I can do to help Taylor in the future or help anyone, I want to live this thing. It's hard sometimes, so."

--Kanye West

I'm sure by now you have all heard about Kanye West grabbing the microphone from some tween-wet-dream country singer and intimating that Beyonce should have won the award instead, so I will shy away from the facts of the matter and get right to the giblets:

Kanye has always been arrogant--I once watched him exit a custom gull-wing Mercedes sports car, walk the red carpet as his friend inched the car alongside him, then climb back behind the wheel and leave the party--and I doubt he has many friends aside from the eternally-wandering ghost of his deceased mother, but what exactly got into him Sunday night and made him unleash his inner asshole on the national stage like that?

Who's to say, really, but it might have been Hennessey:

West's appearance on Monday's prime-time premiere of "The Jay Leno Show" capped a 24-hour period that began Sunday evening with him strolling down the red carpet at New York's Radio City Music Hall while gulping from a bottle of Cognac.

Wow. I would respect that bottle-toting move if it hadn't resulted in such classlessness. Ballsy. I don't even think ole Jack would have tried that one in his heyday...

But any man who "[wants] to live this thing" needs to find a way to move on, to turn the tide back in your favor. As such, Kanye has since apologized several times, in multiple media, and for the most part blames it all on the death of his mother two years ago and not taking enough time off work (no mention of the cognac or his congenital prickishness). Classy once more.

The entertainment industry being the way it is, however, I'm sure it won't be long before the country darling takes him up on his vague, mumbling offer to "help [her] in the future or help anyone."

Methinks we should prepare to be bombarded in a fortnight's time by a nursery-rhyme-caliber country song about Twittering a cute boy, backed by some random beats Kanye steals from Daft Punk. Heal me, clueless music industry! Heal me! LOL!

_

Well, Color Me Asleep!

Grey Gardens helmer Michael Sucsy will make his feature directorial debut on Goree Girls, with Jennifer Aniston headlining the true story of an all-female country band in a Texas prison in the 1940s. (courtesy Variety.com)

Jennifer Aniston in a period piece? Where she sings? Country music?

As hard as it is to imagine boring ole Jennifer Aniston doing anything that would send her to prison, it's somehow even more difficult to picture her as a musician. The closest I can come to it in my mind is her playing a boring, even-less-believable-as-a-musician version of Sheryl Crow, who is herself nearly unbelievable as a musician, despite her career.

In fact, that's probably how this whole project got started in the first place: a vehicle for Sheryl Crow. Then they discovered she can't act, so they racked their brains trying to think of an actress that looks like her.

Enter Aniston, a dead-ringer who really resonates with lonely, pissed-off women who would love to see a boring movie about a bunch of tough women playing boring music about how much men suck and how hard it is to be a woman sometimes--yet how rewarding it can be, too--in front of a prison full of other tough women, in the 1940s, when women were women.

Don't believe me? Well, check out the titles of Aniston's recent projects, which will tell you all you need to know about not only how the world perceives her, but also how she and her reps want the world to perceive her:

Derailed - The true story of her life after Brad. Or something like that.

The Break-Up - A movie about Vince Vaughn breaking up with her

Marley & Me - "In an attempt to stall Jennifer's 'biological clock', John gives her a puppy." Ouch. And she even plays herself? In a movie based on a book whose plot was clearly adapted from Clifford the Big Red Dog?

He's Just Not That Into You - The Brangelina story? The Vince Vaughn story? The John Mayer story? The Adam Duritz story?

Love Happens - If you wait long enough and lower your standards, grrrrl.

The Baster - Who needs a pesky penis when they have cooking utensils!

Getting Rid of Matthew - McConaughey?

The Divorce Party - Nothing wrong with being single, bitches! It's fun! Let's have a party! Men don't define us!

Pumas - I guess Cougars was already taken. LOL! So clever!


But, alright, back to this Goree Girls mess.

This project has been in development at DreamWorks for years, was based on a newspaper article, and has already chewed up and spit out at least two seasoned writers.

Shouldn't this be a sign that this movie wasn't meant to be?

Surely, Overnight Productions must have better projects in the pipeline...

Overnight has a November start set on the Darren Aronofsky-directed Black Swan, a ballet thriller developed at Universal that will star Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis. And it will start production next year on the Jonathan Jakubowicz-directed Southbound, a border drama developed at Warner Bros. that will star Matthew McConaughey and Eva Mendes.

I guess not. Good luck to you, Overnight! I hope your company doesn't fold...overnight...because America is just not that into you...[snore]

_

Country Music Industry Revelation

Well, it took them awhile, but the music executives in charge of destroying what was left of the country genre have finally put together what the pop/rock fuckers figured out long ago:

If the music is shitty, cliche-ridden, simple enough for a 12 year-old to play, and guaranteed distribution, why not just put a pretty face out there to put a little shine on that apple?

Sure there was Dolly Parton, Nancy Sinatra, Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Martina McBride...but looking at this new crop of girls 'coming up' just makes my head spin:

Miranda Lambert

Ashton Shepard

Julie Roberts

Kellie Pickler

Jessie James

Veronica Ballestrini

Jennette McCurdy

Have there always been this many 16 year-old, blonde, sexy/pre-pubescent musical savants out there? Could we just not find them in years past because the lack of internet rendered most of the South impenetrable to wealthy executives?

Or are there other forces at play?

The new Nashville credo:

As long as the heavily-photoshopped CD cover photo makes every redneck with a woody want to pin that girl down on a pool table and have their way--and makes every girl want to be that girl, to listen to how she became that girl, whether the girl wrote the songs herself or not--then we have a hit record on our hands, folks!

Oop--what's that? Looks like we've somehow tapped into a phone over at Sony Music Entertainment. Might as well listen in, right?

"Call Wal-Mart--tell 'em to clear some shelf space--I just found a 15 year-old porn star who sings really well when we digitally alter every note in ProTools and have a 40 year-old fat gay man in Hotlanta write songs for her about texting and Twittering and cute boys. It's perfect--I'll get rich and get out before all this shit implodes and the music industry needs a bailout!"

Fuckers.

_