Saturday, November 14, 2009

No Wonder Babies Don't Want to Come Out!

Finger-lickin' good!

I have to tell you a little story. A story about the determination of the human spirit. And barbecue sauce.

It's a story that I swear is true, although I have been unable to unearth even a shred of internet evidence during a few thorough searches.

Here we go:

Years ago, when men were men, I read in a newspaper (remember those?) that shockwaves rippled through the New Orleans area when it turned out the winner of the annual BBQ sauce contest for the last 10-15 years was using amniotic fluid as his secret ingredient.

Say what?!

Yes. That was not a typo--I did not mean to say "pectin" and accidentally typed "amniotic fluid."

How was this discovered? Well, he was arrested--for the second time in a few years--at a local hospital, in disguise, trying to steal several large drums of amniotic fluid from wherever it is they keep those sorts of things in a hospital, as they await collection and disposal (into our rivers and streams) by one of our country's fine waste management companies.

When questioned by police, he owned up to the scheme and the policemen (probably) vomited all over him and threw away their stash of BBQ sauce in the office kitchen.

Just for a minute, imagine the feeling in the pit of your stomach when you realize that for the last fifteen years, you have been smothering every goddamn piece of meat you have put in your mouth in a veritable cocktail of the amniotic fluid collected from the uteri of dozens, if not hundreds, of pregnant women in your county.

Much like Ace Ventura post-Einhorn-realization, there is no way to scrub that filth off you--it is in your very living tissue at this point.

Now try to imagine how desperate you would have to be, in your quest to win your city's vaunted BBQ sauce contest with a magical secret ingredient, to wind up trying the ole 'amniotic fluid' angle. I'm sure he tried at least a few other flavors first, right? What were they? Shit, mucus, and menstrual blood?

And...then what? Where did he get his first taste of amniotic fluid, to see if it would work? It's not exactly easy to come by--did he force his wife to give birth in their kitchen so he could whip up a test batch?

I mean, even placentophagists (get ready to open a whole new world when you click on this link) don't consume the amniotic fluid when they eat their placenta, so it's not like it's a delicacy elsewhere and we're just being nancy boys about it over here.

Alright, alright--this is getting too gross; but you should check this link out for a laugh before you go. And for those of you BBQ sauce lovers out there, don't worry--I don't think it was Sweet Baby Ray's, although that would have been SO perfect.

"Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce--Now with 50% More Amniotic Fluid!"

...and THAT'S why you should always read the list of ingredients.


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