Sunday, August 2, 2009

Country Music Industry Revelation

Well, it took them awhile, but the music executives in charge of destroying what was left of the country genre have finally put together what the pop/rock fuckers figured out long ago:

If the music is shitty, cliche-ridden, simple enough for a 12 year-old to play, and guaranteed distribution, why not just put a pretty face out there to put a little shine on that apple?

Sure there was Dolly Parton, Nancy Sinatra, Shania Twain, Faith Hill, Martina McBride...but looking at this new crop of girls 'coming up' just makes my head spin:

Miranda Lambert

Ashton Shepard

Julie Roberts

Kellie Pickler

Jessie James

Veronica Ballestrini

Jennette McCurdy

Have there always been this many 16 year-old, blonde, sexy/pre-pubescent musical savants out there? Could we just not find them in years past because the lack of internet rendered most of the South impenetrable to wealthy executives?

Or are there other forces at play?

The new Nashville credo:

As long as the heavily-photoshopped CD cover photo makes every redneck with a woody want to pin that girl down on a pool table and have their way--and makes every girl want to be that girl, to listen to how she became that girl, whether the girl wrote the songs herself or not--then we have a hit record on our hands, folks!

Oop--what's that? Looks like we've somehow tapped into a phone over at Sony Music Entertainment. Might as well listen in, right?
"Call Wal-Mart--tell 'em to clear some shelf space--I just found a 15 year-old porn star who sings really well when we digitally alter every note in ProTools and have a 40 year-old fat gay man in Hotlanta write songs for her about texting and Twittering and cute boys. It's perfect--I'll get rich and get out before all this shit implodes and the music industry needs a bailout!"


1 comment:

LiteralDan said...

"Have there always been this many 16 year-old, blonde, sexy/pre-pubescent musical savants out there?"