Friday, June 26, 2009

You Are Now Alone

In the midst of all the cocksucking of, and kowtowing to, the recently deceased King of Pop the past couple days, I feel as though some pertinent information has been conveniently brushed under the rug.

Namely, has everybody forgotten that he was a complete creep who was accused of sexual abuse against children more than once? And that's only a fraction of this guy's darkness.

Please clasp hands and join me for a long-winded but interesting tour through the stranger side of Michael Jackson...

For starters, here is a brief description of the first child abuse charge, courtesy of wikipedia:

Jackson was accused of child sexual abuse by a 13-year-old child named Jordan Chandler and his father Evan Chandler. The friendship between Jackson and Evan Chandler broke down. Sometime afterwards, Evan Chandler was tape-recorded saying amongst other things, "If I go through with this, I win big-time. There's no way I lose. I will get everything I want and they will be destroyed forever...Michael's career will be over". A year after they had met, under the influence of a controversial sedative Jordan Chandler told his father that Jackson had touched his penis. Evan Chandler and Jackson, represented by their legal teams, then engaged in unsuccessful negotiations to resolve the issue in a financial settlement; the negotiations were initiated by Chandler but Jackson did make several counter offers. Jordan Chandler then told a psychiatrist and later police that he and Jackson had engaged in acts of kissing, masturbation and oral sex, as well as giving a detailed description of what he alleged were the singer's genitals.

An official investigation began, with Jordan Chandler's mother adamant that there was no wrongdoing on Jackson's part. Neverland Ranch was searched; multiple children and family members denied that he was a pedophile. Jackson's image took a further turn for the worse when his older sister LaToya Jackson accused him of being a pedophile, a statement she later retracted. Jackson agreed to a 25-minute strip search conducted at his ranch. The search was required to see if a description provided by Jordan Chandler was accurate. Doctors concluded that there were some strong similarities, but it was not a definitive match. Jackson made an emotional public statement on the events; he proclaimed his innocence, criticized what he perceived as biased media coverage and told of his strip search.

Can you imagine that scene playing out?
"Uh, sir, uh, Mr. Jackson, uh--I need to see what your penis looks like."
"Really, why?"
"Because I need to see if the description your 13 year-old friend gave us is accurate."
"Oh, okay...enjoy!"
Was this police officer some kind of crack penisologist or something? Is every penis like a fingerprint to him? I mean, what sort of description he was working from?
"Well, it was light green, like the Incredible Hulk's skin, with white stripes swirling down the sides, kind of like a peppermint candy. It was friendly looking, nice and thin, long enough but not too long, and it had a smiley face tatooed on the tip--oh, and it smelled like chocolate."
Hey, if you're sculpting your face every year, chasing some distorted notion of perfection, why not also make your weird-looking dick as enticing as possible to a curious and otherwise frightened child, if pedophilia's your bag? Right? Right?

Has everybody forgotten his strange friendships with Corey Feldman and his staunchest defender, Elizabeth Taylor, who is a kooky enough bird in her own right that I wouldn't be surprised to hear she was complicit in Jacko's underage boy escapades.

During the trial/settlement-negotiation process, Michael became more white than ever when he found himself addicted to multiple dangerous-but-legal suburban drugs--Valium, Xanax, and Ativan. [He later added Morphine and Demerol during his second child abuse trial.]

Meanwhile, amidst all this pedophilia and drug addiction hubbub, the daughter of Elvis Presley was falling in love:
"In May of 1994, Jackson married singer-songwriter Lisa Marie Presley, the daughter of Elvis Presley. They had first met in 1975 during one of Jackson's family engagements at the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino and were reconnected through a mutual friend in early 1993. They stayed in contact every day over the telephone. As child molestation accusations became public, Jackson became dependent on Lisa Marie for emotional support; she was concerned about his faltering health and addiction to drugs.

Lisa Marie explained, "I believed he didn't do anything wrong and that he was wrongly accused and yes I started falling for him. I wanted to save him. I felt that I could do it." In a phone call he made to her, she described him as high, incoherent and delusional. Shortly afterwards, she tried to persuade Jackson to settle the allegations out of court and go into rehabilitation to recover — he subsequently did both. Jackson proposed to Lisa Marie over the telephone towards the fall of 1993, saying, "If I asked you to marry me, would you do it?".

Presley and Jackson married in the Dominican Republic in secrecy; the parties denied they had been married for nearly two months. The marriage was, in her words, "a married couple's life ... that was sexually active". At the time, the tabloid media speculated that the wedding was a ploy to prop up Jackson's public image in light of prior sexual abuse allegations. Jackson and Presley divorced less than two years later, remaining friendly."
With such a romantic proposal from that delicious dreamboat--how could the lady say no?

Michael Joseph Jackson has three children--the first two with his dermatology nurse, Deborah Rowe, and the third with an undisclosed woman whom he admits was artificially inseminated.

The names of his three children are:
1. Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr. (also known as Prince)
2. Paris Michael Katherine Jackson
3. Prince Michael Jackson II (also known as Blanket)

Did he have some kind of shady agreement with George Foreman or something? Is he a deranged asshole for calling his child 'Blanket?'

Much like his first marriage, Michael and Ms. Rowe divorced after a mere two years, with alleged pedophile Mr. Jackson receiving sole custody of their children. Huh? Wha?

Michael, dubbed "Big Nose" by his father as a child, had a longstanding obsession with plastic surgery that began at the tender age of 26.

Here is a partial list of the procedures he underwent:

- at least eight nose jobs
- cheekbone restructuring
- a cleft put in his chin (in an attempt to appear more masculine)
- his jaw squared-off
- an implant to make his chin wider
- an implant to make his chin longer
- hair grafted onto his chin to create a goatee
- several different 'eyebrow looks'
- countless facelifts

For fascinating and gruesome photos of the plastic surgery results, click here.

Michael's pet chimpanzee--Bubbles--sat in on the recording of Bad (along with Michael's pet snake), had his own agent, and, according to Quincy Jones, "is more fun than a lot of people I know. I saw Bubbles at a wedding in a tux. He has great table manners."

Bubbles was sent away when he began acting up and is still alive, outliving his owner/friend/father(?).

Michael himself intentionally leaked at least two crazy stories to the media:
1. He sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber every night, in order to slow the aging process
2. He bought the remains of The Elephant Man
Meanwhile, here are some crazy stories that actually happened, courtesy of wikipedia:
1. "In his trip to the Ivory Coast, Jackson was crowned "King Sani" by a tribal chief. He then thanked the dignitaries in French and English, signed official documents formalizing his kingship and sat on a golden throne while presiding over ceremonial dances."

2. "In early 1996, the Anti-Defamation League (ADL) issued a press release charging Jackson with antisemitism regarding lyrics in the song "They Don't Care About Us", the fourth single from HIStory. The song had originally been recorded with lyrics that included the phrase "Jew me, sue me", and "Kick me, kike me". The ADL complained and Jackson responded by saying he would re-record the lyrics before the album went into production. However the ADL's press release charged that Jackson had performed the song live and included the lyrics in question during the live performance. The dispute over the lyrics upset long-time Jackson friend Steven Spielberg, who considered the song anti-semitic."

3. Martin Scorsese directed an 18-minute music video for MJ's single "Bad."

4. For his music video "Smooth Criminal", Jackson experimented with an innovative "anti-gravity lean" in his performances, for which he was granted US Patent No. 5,255,452

5. While filming a commercial for Pepsi, Michael's hair famously caught on fire; in light of the incident, Pepsi was forced to pay Michael $1.5 million, which he used to start the Michael Jackson Burn Center. The finished commercial can be found here.
And now he is dead.

What now?

Await the fallout, which has already begun:

- Larry Charles, the director of the movie Bruno, is snipping a long scene that centered on a Michael Jackson joke. Also, everybody associated with the film got a lot of shit yesterday for having their red carpet covering Michael Jackson's star on the Walk of Fame during the movie's Hollywood premiere (which oddly occurred over two weeks before the movie opens...)

- Everybody has immediately forgotten the real man/thing and speaks of him/it as if he/it were a god, remembering the good, conveniently forgetting the bad.

"Jackson's death caused a large-scale outpouring of grief among fans, as they gathered outside the UCLA Medical Center and his Holmby Hills home. Fans also gathered in New York outside the Appollo Theater and in Detroit outside Hitsville, USA, the old Motown headquarters – now the Motown Museum – where fans created a shrine. A small crowd which included the city's mayor also gathered outside of Jackson's childhood home in Gary.

In the House of Congress, Congressmen Diane Watson and Jesse Jackson, Jr. spoke before the House about Michael Jackson, before asking members to observe a moment of silence in his honour. In the United Kingdom, writers for the BBC soap opera EastEnders added a last-minute scene for the June 26 episode of the show where Denise Wicks tells Patrick Trueman of Jackson's death. A spokesperson claimed the last-minute scene was added to "reflect to some extent the impact Michael Jackson's death has had".

News of Jackson's death spread quickly online, causing many websites to experience technical difficulties following the unanticipated swell of users. Google announced technical difficulties after a sudden increase in searches for "Michael Jackson" led the company to believe it was under attack from hackers, while social networking site Twitter reported a crash after record numbers of users used the site to spread the news of Jackson's death. AIM, an instant messaging service operated by America Online, collapsed for forty minutes. The company called it a "seminal moment in Internet history" and added "We've never seen anything like it in terms of scope or depth." Wikipedia also experienced technical difficulties, and crashed at 3:15 PDT, reportedly due to excessive edits and user overload.

In the hours following Jackson's death, his record sales increased dramatically. His album Thriller climbed to number one on the American iTunes music chart, while another eight have made it into the top 40. In the UK, where Jackson would have performed in less than three weeks, his albums occupied 14 of the top 20 places on the sales chart with Off The Wall topping the chart. Nine of his albums were featured on the American iTunes Top 10 chart, including Thriller, Bad, Dangerous, and three compilations. In the UK iTunes store on June 26, thirty-nine of Jackson's songs were in the Top 100 best selling songs list, in addition to four Jackson 5 songs. Eight of his albums took over the top ten downloaded albums and the top five video downloads were all Michael Jackson videos. Along with this he also entered into the top top ten single downloads with "Man in the Mirror".

Less than four months before Jackson's death, one of his biographers, Ian Halperin, revealed that Jackson had a secret library of over 100 unreleased songs which he planned to release after his death to support his children."

Much like it was with Elvis, it seems death was the best career move Michael Jackson could have made. He will now be remembered more fondly, he is unable to fuck things up anymore, the world is spared more of his late-career shitty music (save those magical 100 songs, I suppose...), and his fucked-up children (who gets custody of them? Angelina?) will now stand a chance of getting out of debt and having enough personal wealth to become a trio of modern-day Caligulas.

Before we go, let us reflect on a quote from the Klueless King himself--it only seems fair he should be allowed to say something, too.

"Why not just tell people I'm an alien from Mars. Tell them I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight. They'll believe anything you say, because you're a reporter. But if I, Michael Jackson, were to say, 'I'm an alien from Mars and I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight,' people would say, 'Oh, man, that Michael Jackson is nuts. He's cracked up. You can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.'"

Michael Jackson

To quote deceased Phil Hartman quoting also-recently-deceased Ed McMahon, "Huh, huh, huh--you are correct, sir!"

Oh yeah, and Farrah Fawcett died yesterday, too. Of anal cancer. She was the one with the hair.


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