Tuesday, June 16, 2009

"Arrrr, matey, make haste! Throw the blighty bastard off the poop deck before the accursed pox spreads to the whole ship--he's got The Gout!"

It looks like The Gout is thumbing its nose at all those ignorant souls clueless as to what its curse entails and if it's not exactly bringing millions of landlubbers to a watery grave, the unlucky gluttons are at least experiencing their fair share of discomfort.

"But how does this affect me, an arrogant, relatively healthy--or at least non-gouty--person, in my day-to-day life?"

Well, Mr. Ponce, imagine for a moment that you were to sit down for a delicious meal in an upscale restaurant--Bennigan's, for example--and are served your food by some guy with a mysterious white fluid oozing out of his hands:
"In the early stages of the disease, gout attacks, which can last several days and are excruciating, occur only rarely. But over time, the frequency increases and people can develop disfiguring and disabling lumps of the chalky white crystals, called tophi. Michael Clayton of Atlanta, who has severe gout, said he had to quit a job as general manager of a restaurant after customers complained about the tophi on his hands, which sometimes oozed liquid resembling Wite-Out."
(courtesy nytimes.com)
Yeah--gross. So, you know, get wise--fear the gout. It is everywhere.

"Holy shit! What do I do?!!"

Well, Dr. Goodtime recommends that you try to avoid any interaction whatsoever with those persons afflicted with this 'gout,' in the off-chance the pharmaceutical reps--I mean 'doctors'-- are lying to us out of their own self-interest and the disease is actually contagious.

As if you needed another reason to avoid making out with fat people! LOL!!!!!!!!! OMG!! ROTFL!!!!!!! JMFC!!!! HELP!!!

(btw, shunning is always the shrewdest option, if you ask me, when it comes to other people)

If you are unsure as to how to recognize a sufferer of gout, they usually look like this:

There you have it, people of the Internet. You have the knowledge, you have the will to live--now get back out into that big fat scary world and live in fear--I mean 'be safe!'


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