Up Is Down, Down Is Up!?!

A Beagle Won the Coveted Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show!

A beagle!

'The dumbest canine breed ever created in a test tube' has finally won the official approval of the notoriously snobbish, but dutifully just, dog-judgers!

"Despite the popularity of beagles in the U.S., none has ever won the top spot in the 100 year history of the prize." -abcnews.com

"The fix is surely in," thought naive young Miami cocaine smuggler and part-time dog breeder Miguel Caliente Ferrari-Caballero. And didn't we all agree? (I mean--come on! A beagle? What Russian mafiosovich tugged those strings to line his pockets?)

But then, only widget minutes later(!), after a bit of off-the-clock surveillance at the nearby Sunset Towers retirement community, risking his life to sniff out the truth for all of us out here in the real world, M. Ferrari-Caballero discovered that the fix most assuredly was NOT in. The brittle puppeteers behind the more media-friendly judging panel had simply become too senile to know the difference between a puppy and a box of rotting cow tongues.


Now, the meat:
What Does This Mean For You, As A Discerning Individual?

The short answer:
Only Time Will Tell

The likely final answer, revealed weeks from now for most, but right now just for you, because I like your face:
Nothing. Life will continue as usual. Time will pass. Slowly, but quickly, once you stop to think about it. You are still a loser. Your job is still a disappointment to you, however secret that evaluation might be. You are still short. You still sweat too much. Your girlfriend is still cheating on you, or trying to. You still don't know what it's like to be a real, live human being. But things can get better--once you embrace the deceptively logical tenets of Scientology...