The Reason Office Depot Only Stocks Wireless Routers

I went into an Office Depot after work today, looking for a good time. I mean, looking for a router--preferably one that was not wireless, because we didn't need that for our office and those sometimes lead to trouble, with forgotten passwords and such.

The first helpful salesman seemed baffled by the word 'router.' He gave up immediately. "Oh, that's actually more of a technology question--you want to talk to Dennis. Hey, Dennis!"

Dennis broke away from the coworker he had been talking to, strode over, and smiled.

"Hi, how can I help you?"

"Hi, there. I'm looking for a router. But not a wireless one; just a simple splitter for several ethernet cords."

"Right this way. Follow me."

We snaked through several aisles and wound up in front of a huge display of routers that I somehow missed on my three trips around the store earlier.

"This one right here is the bomb, man. The BIG one. Look."

He pointed to a drawing of an apartment building with 'powerful signal' lines radiating from it.

"Okay, yeah, but do you have any routers that AREN'T wireless?"

"Nah, man--everything's wireless. I mean, you know why everything's wireless now, right? So they can keep an eye on us...off the record..."

"Uh-huh. Sure."

So much for the 'technology whiz.' I scan the wall of boxes, searching on my own for a wireless-less router.

But Dennis didn't give up. "I mean, you know--they wanna know where you're at, what you're doin', what websites you're goin' to...everything. Off the record, of course."

I realized Dennis had become visibly nervous. He started looking over his shoulder a lot, looking me over, perhaps aware his crackpot theory might get him into trouble with his manager, aware I might be the type of guy who would turn him in. I didn't want to argue with Dennis, but nor did I want to agree with him. I avoided the issue.

"So...are you sure none of these other ones down here--"

"--You know that was off the record, right?"

"Yeah."

I crouched down to look at some boxes on the bottom shelf, hoping Dennis would take his cue to leave. Luckily, another customer interrupted us, holding some kind of shitty-looking plastic-organizer-case-thing, shrink-wrapped.

"Can I open this to see if I like it?"

Dennis laughed. "You'd have to buy it! I mean..." He looked at me for help. I avoided his eyes, leaving him to his fate.

"But how do I know if I like it?" The guy mimed scratching his fingers across the shrink-wrap as he stared at Dennis for permission to do it for real.

Dennis was bewildered. "You can't just open it..."

"I want to buy it. I just need to know if I like it first." The customer was confused as to why this was unacceptable.

Their mutual mystification was too much for Dennis to handle. "Let's go ask my manager..."

They both walked away, thankfully. I can only take so much wisdom in one day.