Okay, so the woman my mom wants me to marry looked pretty good the other night, at her work function. All these years, ever since my mom first laid eyes on her, I've been hemming and hawing because I just wasn't sure she was sexy enough to "get my engine going," if you know what I mean. Today, I may have changed my mind. (!!!)
Okay, before I continue, I feel like you should know something about me right off: I have certain standards when it comes to the fairer sex. My future wife, god bless her little marathon-runner's heart, will be so attractive, her beauty will feel like a handicap. Her youthful glow will blind me with every gaze, quarters will be easily deflected by any and every inch of her body, her mere smell will turn me into a slavering monster, grotesque with desire. Yet, for her part, she will feel hideously ugly and, therefore, fawn all over me, unfailingly grateful for my tolerance, my against-all-odds love. And she must also be exceptionally intelligent and cool--tres cool.
So you see what a noteworthy day it is when I can confidently state that I am considering taking a bride. Once my assistant, Thrombosis, is able to interview and examine said candidate--and provided she passes the rigorous 5-point inspection test (1. unit, 2. face, 3. brain, 4. skin, 5. that certain, special something)--we'll have a better idea of where this will lead. For now, please clear your schedules for the rest of the year--there may be a storybook wedding in store for you after all!
[Note: Yes, I am fully aware Ms. Heigl married longtime beau Josh Kelly on Dec.24, 2007. If Jerry Seinfeld can steal a bride on her honeymoon, I shouldn't have any trouble with Josh--hence my cool, calm demeanor.]
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