Although the actual date of the fall of the Roman Empire is still passionately debated among a dwindling number of Roman History scholars, it is acceptable to say it was around the year 500AD. In March, I believe. On a Saturday. 1500 years ago. What can we learn from this, you say? Well, luckily I am in lecturing mode. Stay with me here...
For 1000 years or so, the Romans ruled the known world--Europe, Eastern Asia, and Northern Africa. They were ruthless imperialists, cunning businessmen, and persuasive orators. The world was their oyster. Until it wasn't. Until they were beaten down, ignored, and irrelevant. After that fateful Saturday in March, for centuries, the men of Rome stewed in their limestone villas, cobbling exquisite shoes, vintning fine wines, designing the finest dresses, suits, ties, capri pants, etc. They built the finest automobiles in the world. Ditto for bicycles, scooters, motorcycles, hats, espressos, sandwiches, pizzas, pastas, apertifs... The only thing they worked harder at than luxury goods was LOVE. They turned love into an art form (Italian Opera is no accident). If everybody's going to ignore them anyway, they figured (they told me), they might as well spend all their time looking good, driving fast, and falling in love. And who can blame them for that bit of logic?
The rest of Europe passed them by without so much as a wave. Germany rose to prominence, Spain, Holland, England, France--hell, even Portugal was on top for a bit. Italians didn't mind, though--they had been there, done that, and now they were content to be ignored and live in the lap of their own hand-made luxury, falling in love a hundred times a day, groping any young woman that passed. Over a 1000 year period, they went from being the best soldiers on Earth to a peaceful band of dilettantes, hanging out in cafes, smoking cigarettes, discussing various love affairs, tickling each other with ostrich feathers while sipping cappuccinos (only before 11am, of course). All this idleness led to a deep appreciation for both the natural world and the man-made world around them which, in turn, led to an exceptionally rich army of painters, sculpters, metalworkers, photographers, and filmmakers.
So, what does this have to do with America? A lot. We have ruled the world for two hundred years now--not in the old-fashioned imperialist sense, but in the newer, more potent cultural-imperialist sense, as well as in the corporate-imperialist sense. The density of our 200 years is fairly comparable to their 1000. Our corporations, our way of life, have taken root in countries all across the globe, almost overnight. Who cares what flag they fly? They eat McDonald's, make copies at Kinko's, and care who Brad Pitt is dating. But we have taken things too far, become too greedy, placed our armies where they don't belong, allowed arrogance to replace common sense. And so our downfall has begun; we are now, believe it or not, in the post-Imperial phase. England and the European Community have risen back to prominence and taken the reigns from us. London is the global center of finance--not New York. Manhattan is being taken over by wealthy Europeans taking advantage of the weak dollar to buy second, third, or fourth homes, which keeps prices high and squeezes out hard-working Americans. Real wages are at the 1950 level. China is the new center of manufacturing. We are a nation of communication consultants, hedge-fund managers, gossip columnists, and burger-flippers. We are not the wealthiest nation on Earth, the strongest nation on Earth, the most populous nation on Earth, the hardest-working nation on Earth; we are a nation in decline, a nation of fading importance; a nation lacking in love.
So, gentlemen of the United States, let's get cracking. Let's spend less time at work and more time with our ladies. Let's only appreciate the finer things in life. If you can only afford one pair of shoes, make them Ferragamo--they'll never go out of style and they'll last forever. Make your suit Armani, your ties Gucci. Pick up a Vespa next time your car dies--not only will it help you pull all the ladies, but think of the fuel economy! Over time, directly proportionate to our idleness and irrelevance, we American men will find ways to improve on these items and our own domestic craftsmen will flourish and dominate. Our creative types will become such wilfull dandies that your local cinema will once more become the domain of artists, not businessmen. There WILL be an American Renaissance. History repeats itself, no?
But, Goodtime Charlie, you say, I found a flaw in your comparison--what about all the immigrants? America, unlike Italy, is a nation of immigrants. Doesn't that throw off the whole comparison? No, my child, my adorable little child, it does not. Let us not forget that Italy was a nation of notorious slave-gatherers and, as naturally follows, slave-fuckers. There was a fair amount of diversity up in that peninsula. And, similarly, after 1500 years of mixing and matching Hispanics with Asians with Africans with Whites, perhaps Americans will all be lustrously olive-skinned. How do you think the people of the Mediterranean got that way?
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