Tuesday, December 15, 2009

This Ego Best Be Gettin' Checked


I'm surprised she didn't give herself "Special Thanks" while she was at it. Why not, right? I hear the more credits you give yourself, the better your chance is to 'make it' in Hollywood.
"Oh, wow--it says here you were both Casting Director and Casting Coordinator on a 17-minute short film that nobody will ever see or should ever see. That's very impressive--how do you feel about writing/producing/assistant-producing/directing/assistant-directing/craft-servicing/wardrobe-assisting/PAing Spiderman 5? We're really looking for a fresh voice in the series, preferably somebody with a ton of experience doing every job on set and in post-production, since we don't have much of a budget..."

"OMG! That's so perfect! I knew I would make it in Hollywood if I never lost sight of who I am as an artist/handyman/egomaniac. I'll start crocheting a Spiderman costume tonight--I can totally see it in my head and it is going to be beautiful. "
Okay, okay, hold the phone--maybe I'm selling The Swim Team Renaissance woman Amber Crosby too short here. Let's read the synopsis--maybe the movie's awesome, right?
In her early twenties, Mona finds herself living in the tiny town of Belvedere with no direction and nothing to do. Her days consist of long, boring hours gazing out her window at the barren landscape, lying to her mother about how busy her life is, visiting the small market down the road and avoiding eye contact with the three elderly people who run it, Elizabeth, Kelda and Jack Jack, the only other people within miles.

While visiting the market one afternoon Mona overhears the three elderly shop owners arguing about how they have never learned to swim and complaining that there isn't even a suitable body of water anywhere near the town of Belvedere. Speaking to them for the first time, Mona claims that she can teach them and they don't even need a body of water. Using three large bowls, a kitchen floor and a lot of imagination the swim lessons begin. As Elizabeth, Kelda and Jack Jack eagerly follow Mona's every direction they become lithe, agile swimmers, young again in the waters of their minds.

These weekly swim lessons give Mona direction and she, too, is transformed, becoming a strong, purposeful coach. Later in life, when Mona again finds herself without direction, wandering through the empty rooms of her apartment after a painful break-up, the memory of Belvedere comes back to her. She is reminded of her time with Elizabeth, Kelda and Jack Jack and the feeling of swimming without water. Based on the short story by Miranda July, the film reminds us that sometimes it's the things we've forgotten that haven't forgotten us.
Written by George Seamer
Well, I was right--it is very far from awesome. In fact, it sounds even worse than I could have imagined. And I mean that. And I have a great imagination.

And I find it exceedingly odd that Amber Crosby didn't write her own synopsis for imdb--what, that's the only task she's too good for?

What a bitch...


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