Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Ten Stages of Romance

So, lately, I've been having all kinds of ladyfolk asking me for all kinds of stuff and I'm like:

"Yo! I gotta tell it to you straight, babygirl--there's certain things you gotta do to climb another rung on the ladder, know what I mean?"

I'm sure I ain't alone in this predicament, so this missive goes out to all those players out there (lemme hear ya, Naperville!!!) trying to keep it real--a pocket-sized, smart-brained guide to gift-giving between men and the ladyfolk that poison their hopes, dreams, and lives.


1. Drink
So, you're out at a bar and you see a girl with an ass you just want to take a bite out of like a crisp Granny Smith on a hot summer day. You blow her kisses, you maintain eye contact as you rub your dick in a sexy way and push people over to get up in her face, you grind on that ass, impress her with the pointiness of the erection drowning in your wide-gauge corduroy jeans, she keeps pushing your hands away from her what, right?
This what--buy the lady a drink.

Hint: Ladies usually like drinks with peach in them, or vodka drinks with granites, or drinks that end in 'wine.' If she asks for something else, she might have a penis, or at least a remnant of one. Walk away--it ain't worth the risk. Trust me.

2. French Fries
So it's five minutes later and her drink is empty and the thirsty little kitten is standing there wanting more, right? Perfect--it's always a good idea to leave 'em wanting more. This fox is in the cage, na'mean? Before she can say anything, drop this gem on that little AppleBrownBetty: "Fries?" Nothing says foreplay like deep-fried potatoes eaten in tandem under fluorescent lighting.

Hint: If the tiger's got teeth, make sure to order the large--it never hurts to impress with largesse.

3. Breakfast
After you bang her every way from Sunday, and if she still looks fine(-ish), make sure to offer the lady breakfast in bed--there isn't a girl alive that doesn't want to be treated like a princess.
As soon as she says yes, offer her your morning wood in such a way that it's difficult to say no. If she takes the bait, you've got a real gamer. If she blushes, laugh it off and take her to Denny's--cheapest grand slam around.

Hint: Get up early to secretly wash your penis in the sink, which will greatly increase the odds she will tolerate its presence near/in her face. You're welcome.

4. Lunch
After breakfast, you should definitely bang her in the back of your Honda Prelude, under the unfolded metallic sunshade, all private and sexy-like, because you never know when you might get another chance--a smart camel always drinks at a watering hole.
If mademoiselle says she has to go to work, run your sticky fingers through her knotted hair and suavely insist on picking her up for lunch in a few hours. If she hesitates, cry--anything more aggressive might scare her away, but a man's gotta fight for what he wants, right? Besides--nothing cuts worse than your own sword...
Once she relents, stay smart and keep in mind that ladies love places where you can get salads and ice tea for lunch.

Hint: Your local train station! The lunch counters in those places get lots of traffic (read: fresh!), also have perfect options for men (reubens!), and won't suck away that entire Andrew Jackson in your skyrocket...

5. Flowers
After a lunchtime quickie in the handicapped bathroom behind the Amtrak counter, as she endures that long, humiliating walk back to the office, kept alive only by that special 'glow,' all upset she had to leave you looking all cute and cuddly, crumpled up on the broken toilet seat, all sweaty and falling asleep, there's nothing a lady wants more than flowers.
So, if after all this courting you still care for her, don't drop the ball--spend.

Hint: The female of the species has a certifiable genetic weakness for red shit--get the cheapest red flowers you see at the CVS and you'll not only be a fiscal Einstein, but you'll prob be in like Flint for a second-round afternooner.

6. Dinner
Dinner is a tough one. It's like, 'okay, so I took her to breakfast and lunch, but now what? I'm out of ideas!'
Hero alert--dinner.
I know it's more expensive than a movie, I know it's a lot more pressure, I know there's a lot less chance of a hand-job, but if you're gonna marry this girl you gotta be able to sit across the table from her for an hour in an Olive Garden off the highway. It's just that simple--you'd rather find out now than later, right? Right.

Hint: Girls love a flashy car--so hang a tree from the mirror and put a bucket of soapy water, a sponge, and the dustbuster in your trunk, pull up outside the Home Depot, and give some starving dude $5 to do you up right for the night (or give him less--maybe start with $1 and bargain your way up!)

Bonus Hint: Hide a pack of Magnums in your glovebox and ask her to find something in there at some point. Can't hurt!!!

7. Engagement Ring
Once you've taken a woman to dinner--and if everything went well in the bedroom/backseat afterward (I'm talking anal here, folks, let's not beat around the bush! LOL!)--it is now appropriate to ask for the lady's hand in marriage.
Once you've casually dropped her off at her parents' house at 5am and coasted down the hill in neutral as you enter her name into your phone, you have a lot to consider before downing a half-bottle of Beam in the park and heading to the library to troll for a good deal on a medium-grade cubic zirconium.
First off, do you still feel a non-herpes burning in your loins? That means you really love her and you should make an honest woman out of her--especially because there's a 50% chance she's already pregnant and you'll have to pay to raise the kid anyway, as well as for her to live in a trailer and smoke Virginia Slim 100s and drink a gallon of Carlo Rossi a day.
Trust me--it's cheaper to just marry her and make her sleep in the garage.

Hint: As far as the proposal goes, you should perform this act with the greatest of care.
8. Honeymoon
Once her wedding's over with--and she signed the pre-nup under the supervision of accredited legal representation--you need to make sure the honeymoon rocks. Bring plenty of bad American beer (you never know), a few changes of underwear, some wines, and a Playboy or three to keep you in the mood for the weekend.
As far as the location goes, that is really dependant on season--NASCAR, NFL, NBA, NHL--because you should always be sure to be where the action is. If for some reason you are are getting married in a rare window (does it exist? haven't our scientists worked this out yet?) when one of these seasons is not in full swing, I recommend Italy because they have good food and cool cars and it's where romance began and chicks love that shit.

Hint: Make sure to bring every sex toy your grossest friend has ever heard of, cuz ya never know--girls are freakier than we are, you know...

9. Forever 21 shopping spree
Now that you got a bride, you need to make ensure she cuts a certain profile on the town. She has to be classy, she has to be sexy, she has to look moneyed--or you will look quite the fool.
Recommendation: Take her to Forever21 and let her spend at least $100--this should net her a full week's worth of sexy dresses.
Once purchased and safely stored in your closet at home, hand over one dress for each blow-job delivered. Once they all fall apart two weeks later, you can simply put your better half back in nude storage til your next paycheck comes. Repeat.

Hint: Not only should everybody know she's the finest broad in town, but they need to know she's YOUR broad--do you have a spirit animal? Is it a tiger? If you don't know, it's probably a tiger, so make sure she picks up a faux-silk cape with an enormous roaring tiger face on it and wears it every time she leaves the apartment. Trust me--nobody will fuck with your little peach once they know she's 'yours.'

10. Toe Ring
Alright, so you made it to your second anniversary. Congratulations--you're now ready for a toe ring.
Remember when you bought one for that stripper you got pregnant in Michigan? Well, let's hope you were smart enough to get two for the price of one at Claire's, because once that bastard sucks air and the pangs of guilt wash over you like so many imperceptible, oddly-soothing breezes, you'll really wish you had one at no extra expense, to give your wife as a token of your secret guilt (or because you forgot your anniversary or maybe that you were even married).
If somebody around town has already told the missus about your adorable 'predicament,' best get a couple more toe rocks, to not only blind her with bling, but remind her on what side her bread is buttered.

Hint: With a toe ring, always err on the side of too big. If it doesn't fit on her piggy of choice, chances are it will either fit on a fatter one or she'll grow into it--the one thing you can count on when it comes to women is they always get bigger.

Well, I think the bars are about to clear out here, which means it's high time this ole minx hit 'cruise' control on the ole steering column, if you know what I mean.

Hope this information helps you in your romancing or, if not you, me.


- goodtime


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It's so true, boys...all a bitch needs is a blingy toe ring and some french fries. That's how Jesus was born.