Ellis Island Re-Opens to Service Record-Breaking Exodus

In a bold move earlier today, the United States government decided to adjust its policies to mirror those of the Norwegian government, in an attempt to emulate the Scandinavian country's nearly universal economic, social, and cultural success.

As they say in Oslo, "Hva tilbakeslag?"

The legislation, sponsored by Senators John McCain (R-Arizona) and Richard Shelby (R-Alabama) stipulates that all first & second-generation immigrants and non-whites currently residing in the United States are to be immediately deported if they do not choose to flee of their own accord.

The citizens who remain shall then receive--by no later than October of this calendar year--free health care, free university education, breathtaking public transportation, and their fair share of the plunder from the homes of the departed.

"Trust me on this one, America--as soon as we are able to successfully streamline our social policy and get our computers back online, you will enjoy all the benefits you should already have been receiving. As for those leaving us behind, we surely hope they come back one day as deep-pocketed tourists, but are well-aware that probably won't be feasible on the $2/day they will be making from now on."
- Sen. John McCain

As for the location of their new home, qualified candidates have their choice of any island in Indonesia or any nation on the continent of Africa. Military transport or inflatable rowboats will be provided as needed.

"Good luck to you out there! May you carry on the fine pioneering spirit of your ancestors or selves!" - Sen. Richard Shelby

Teen participation in the workforce, specifically in the food service, construction, and harvesting industries, is expected to increase dramatically over the course of the next fiscal quarter.

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