Breaker: Hollywood Has Been Turned Upside-Down

How do I know? What is the evidence?

Look no further:

Guaranteed blockbuster The Marriage Ref is failing.

WHAT?!!

I know. But it is. And it needs our help.


So, America, if you are listening, Jerry Seinfeld (yeah--the King-Midas maestro behind that killer bee movie!) really needs you right now.

Luckily for you, helping him out has never been easier. Just follow these easy steps:

1. Become a Nielsen family.

2. Have your TV tuned in to NBC for this show--every week--while you take a nice hot bath or nap in the other room. Or just have your DVR record it and never even watch it because they'll never know or care, right? Right.

While you're at it, America, please also make sure to watch Jay Leno--he needs our support now more than ever. Thank you.


In other news, Warren Buffet lost $10,000 today. Please donate here to help him get back on his feet.

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What is the Deal With One-Word Movie Titles These Days?

That was spoken with my best Jerry Seinfeld impression, by the way--and it is awesome.

Exhibit A:

Gravity, Wanted, Moon, Alien...


Exhibit B:

Avatar, Up, Twilight, Taken, Duplicity, Adventureland, Zombieland, Fighting, Obsessed, Julia, Management, Tetro, Cheri, Surveillance, Bruno, Orphan, Shrink, Bandslam, Spread, Extract, Gamer, Whiteout, Splice, Fame, Trucker, Amelia, Antichrist, Motherhood, Skin, Precious, Uncertainty, Armored, Brothers, Invictus, Nine...

Have I belabored my point yet? And that is only a selection of movie titles from 2009 and beyond.

And I didn't even count the ones that started with The.


Are audiences that stupid that they can only process one word now? That they're only credited that meager of an attention span?

Maybe. Maybe we deserve it. Sadly. Or maybe we don't.

"I know what you're thinking when you say you want the title to be Silence of the Lambs, but I think we need to change it to Cannibal. Trust me--I'm an expert in marketing to dumb people. Have you heard of Crash? Speed? Batman? I did all those. Besides, think of how much you're paying me--I know what I'm doing here."

"Will you take a check? Or do you need cash so you can avoid taxes? I will gladly spend a million dollars to earn a million dollars--I'm kind of like the parking enforcement office in that way."

And the world turns, relentlessly, groaning under its own weight, strangely determined to outlast us.

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This Little Piggy Fell into the Gutter and Was Never Seen Again

Fortunately, this little fella's got a couple to spare.

In my best Jerry Seinfeld voice, I ask you this: What is going on with stroller manufacturers these days?

About 1.5 million Graco strollers sold at Wal-Mart, Target and other major retailers are being recalled after some children's fingertips were amputated by hinges on the products.

The Exton, Pa., company received seven reports of children placing their fingers in a stroller's canopy hinge as the canopy was being opened or closed. Five children had their fingertips severed and two children received cuts on their fingertips.

The strollers were made in China by Graco and sold...nationwide from October 2004 to December 2009.

In announcing the recall Wednesday, the Consumer Product Safety Commission said the strollers pose an amputation and laceration hazard to children when opening or closing the canopy. The government advised consumers to stop using the strollers and contact Graco to receive a free repair kit.

This is the second major recall in recent months of strollers that led to fingertip amputations and injuries. Last November, about a million Maclaren strollers were recalled after there were 12 reports of children's fingertips being amputated by a hinge mechanism.

The safety commission is now examining all strollers with the designs that have caused the fingertip amputations, said spokesman Scott Wolfson.

(courtesy LATimes.com/AP)

What the F?

So...the fingers of children across the country have presumably been getting amputated since 2004 and the Consumer Product Safety Commission is only now looking into it? Is anybody else thinking about Fight Club right now?

Q: How many severed baby fingers does it take before people give a shit?
A: Seventeen. Duh! Ask me something hard next time...

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