Friday, January 21, 2011

Breaker: City More Boring Than Sacramento Discovered

Apparently the only building in West Sacramento

If you thought Sacramento was boring, wait til you get a load of West Sacramento.

Founded in 1987, when all the coolest cities were founded, West Sacramento boasts a population of over 44,000 bored-to-death souls and the alleged 'Best Milkshakes in the Region.'

But don't take my word for it--take that of seven-term mayor Christopher Cabaldon:
Dine at one of the City’s diverse restaurants, where you can find everything from pad thai to the best breakfast burrito and milkshakes in the region.   Enjoy a baseball game or a concert at Raley Field, home of the Oakland Athletics’ Triple A affiliate, the River Cats.   Watch a 35,000 ton cargo ship dock while you fish from the opposite bank. Visit the newest exhibit at the West Sacramento Historical Society Museum.   Have a picnic by the water in the City’s beautiful River Walk Park.   And everywhere you go, ask residents, business owners, and City staff how they feel about this community.
No thank you, Mr. Cabaldon--none of that sounds like very much fun. Not even watching a big ship park, which I usually would enjoy enough to wet my breeches. Do you even know what fun is? Or is your complete ignorance of it the reason you are the Mayor-for-Life of the most boring town in the nation?

In fact, the only thing West Sacramento has going for it is an epic, two-day-long dance called the Enchantment Under the Sea. Sadly, they not only had to rip that idea off from Back to the Future (which was released before the city was even founded!), but they also had to ruin it forever (almost) by turning it into a creepy incest-themed dance that cannot boast any actual enchantment of note. [Why must fathers and daughters have their own dance? -Ed.]

Give it up already, West Sacramento! Wrap your pestilent lips around that giant belching smokestack at the milkshake factory and sleep forever in the pits of hell! Leave the city thing to people who know what they are doing, like Chicagoans.


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