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Los Angeles, CA -- Once again graced with my presence, Los Angeles has returned to normal after a week of relentless turmoil. Finally, crossword puzzles are getting done, good movies are being watched, tennis is being played, grilled fish tacos are being devoured, and people are constantly staring at me because they can't decide whether I am Michael Keaton's son or an un-styled (and sexier) David Cook.

After a useless, impromptu meeting at the Beverly Hilton late this afternoon--where I did nothing but consume expensive hors d'oeuvres and fine scotch--I spotted Jane Seymour & Family getting their picture taken in front of a backdrop, as part of a Christopher Reeve Foundation fundraiser or something. She was a total fox.

Since the Seymours and an army of people in electronic wheelchairs were completely blocking the path to the parking garage, my friend and I stepped outside to make our way around them. Through the window, my friend spotted some bitch from MTV's black-hole-for-girls, The Hills. I had no idea who she was, proud to say, but after a bit of research I now know it was Lo Bosworth. Consensus--she has a fat ass and wears expensive high-heels that are several sizes too big for her (borrowed? don't make kid sizes? shrinking at an astonishing rate?). I wouldn't normally judge somebody so harshly, but when you beg for the microscope, you get it.

Stay tuned for more dispatches from the sunniest goddamn place on Earth. But keep your shirt on, I've got shit to do. Sort of...