Considering bourbon and Coke is my favorite cocktail ever, believe me when I say this news saddens me deeply. I will never get over it. I will never drink Coke again. My life has been irrevocably altered--for the better, I guess, although blissful ignorance can be pretty cool sometimes.
Pay attention, as these tips may save your life some day:
1. Blood on your street/driveway from last night's little 'what-have-you?' Pour Coca Cola on the offending pavement and smile as the phosphoric acid eats away the evidence in minutes. An old highway patrol trick I picked up as a boom operator on CHiPs.
2. Blood, grease, or noxious odors on/in your clothes? Treat them with Coke, throw 'em in the washer, and rest easy. Nobody will know. Except you. And me. I can see you. Always. But it's cool. Seriously. Forget about it. And put some clothes on.
3. Bathroom sink draining slowly because your sketchy girlfriend sheds like a golden retriever on meth? Pour 2 liters of Coke down the pipe, wait an hour, run the water. Cheaper than Draino, easier than finding somebody else who finds you attractive.
4. Mineral/rust stains on your toilet/tub? Pour a can of Coke in the bowl, let sit for an hour, lightly brush, and flush. I believe you--it's just...mineral deposits...
5. Engine clogged? Clean it with Coke! Why not, that's what the Coca-Cola Company has been using to clean the engines of its trucks for decades! BUSTED! I mean, I don't have any proof, but that's what people tell me.
6. Need to dissolve a nail for some reason? Maybe he squealed on your brother? Let the bastard sit in a resealed 2 liter bottle of Coke and it will cease to exist in 4 days, due to the carbonic acid. Way more effective than cement shoes, trust me.
7. Are you a vegetarian seeking vengeance against your roommate? (I'm talking to you, Vengeful in Vancouver!) The next time he goes away for the weekend, or sleeps over at his 'best friend's' house, destroy his coveted Omaha steak without breaking your solemn vow by simply leaving it in a sealed container full of Coke. The steak will no longer exist in 2 days time.
8. Tired of having all those pesky teeth in your mouth? Drink a few cans of Coke every day and they'll be gone eventually! So will all the calcium in your bones, but it's not like it matters--you'll be so fat by then nobody will even care whether you have teeth or bones!
[Coke and Coca-Cola are registered trademarks of the Coca-Cola Company, duh]
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