Every Little Bit Helps

 "What do I look like, the President?"

He was a moron. A friendly-enough-seeming guy with fantastically devious puppeteers and a name enough dumb people recognized to sweep him into the highest office in the land by a whopping...oh, by a questionable margin, actually; perhaps even a negative one. Twice.

Bonus Trivia:
The 2000 US Presidential contest was the closest in US history since Rutherford B. Hayes up and stole that shit in 1876. Huh. Same old shit...

This being the case--especially once you throw in everything else that transpired from 2000-2008 and consider that I am a man with blood coursing through my veins--I always enjoy hearing tell of every. single. slight. to His Idiocy George W. Bush, no matter how trivial.

These small gems certainly don't make up for what should happen to W--Navy SEALS should hold him on the bronze knee of the Lincoln Memorial while everybody in the world gets three whacks on his bottom with a weapon of their choice--but they are gratifying nonetheless and life is about the simple pleasures, right?

DUIs Suck

I'm sure those guys all did some bad shit, but you know those guards are pricks.

I guess they deserve each other.

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Probably Should Have Seen That One Coming, Ma'am

According to Der Spiegel, a German prisoner murdered a woman during an unsupervised six-hour-long conjugal visit on Sunday, using two knives and a wrench to stab and beat her to death.

The prisoner also slit his own wrists but doctors were (fortunately?) able to save him and continue spending tax dollars to keep him in good health for the next thirty years or so.

Why should this woman have seen it coming? Because the prisoner was serving 19 years for raping a 9-year-old girl and beating her to death.

Probably not the best guy to start a relationship with, definitely not the best guy to break-up with during a conjugal visit, especially if you have knives in your purse, especially if he looks like this:


Not quite Darwin Award material, but it sure is close.

The scariest thing about all this, however, is that the brutal murder could have a silver lining for the victim's now-orphaned child.

Instead of this monster being released next year and moving in with them--which surely would have resulted in this child's rape/death at some point--s/he can now live a long and fruitful life in foster care, in constant pant-wetting fear of the inevitable day this psycho escapes from prison--when the guards send him out to buy them some lottery tickets--and decides to finish the job.

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News from the Future!

The Northrop-Grumman Internet Times-Dispatch April 16, 2159

220 Year-Old Bernie 'Ponzi' Madoff Paroled for Good Conduct

His 150-year prison sentence drawing to a close, Mr. Madoff said that although he will certainly miss the familiar, lush grounds of the minimum-security prison he has called home for several lifetimes--as well as his numerous golfing buddies there--he was also excited about the prospect of reconnecting with his wife, children, and other loved ones.

"Luckily, I stole enough money to make us all live forever. Cryonics is an amazing thing!"

Meanwhile, the descendants of those financially raped by him around the turn of the millenium are up in arms across the globe.

"Godsfhoisdnlmf;sdmf;ldsmklmnslkfnl!!" One of them cried unintelligibly, his tongue long ago bartered for a handful of week-old rice. Of course, with no education to speak of, a tongue may not have made a difference...

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Mickey Rourke Is A Pile of Shit

First, The Wrestler:

I found the movie disappointing and supremely overrated. The existence and entire running time of the father-daughter subplot was frustratingly awful and bursting with bad cliches. His relationship with stone-cold fox Marisa Tomei did not seem believable; she was uninterested, wisely, and then suddenly in love at the end. Why? The direction was so heavy-handed, it seems director Darren Aronofsky was either way out of his element or regressing to bad film school ways.

As for Mickey's performance in the movie, it was okay. There were certainly moments I enjoyed, but, I mean, let's not forget that this guy's REAL LIFE is like this. He is a failed actor, failed boxer, twice-failed husband. He's depressed, riddled with drugs, friendless but for a dog (now dead), brain-damaged from boxing, and dresses like a retarded pimp.

Was he really acting that much in this movie? Or was he merely a great choice for the part? As much as I hate Sean Penn, I'm glad Mickey didn't win the Oscar this year.


And now, this.

Three hours? That's it? They didn't confiscate his sunglasses, jewelry, clothes...what is to be learned from this? I bet they didn't even give him a cellmate. What a fucking pointless poser.

Something tells me he wound up spending all three hours talking on his cell phone to a poodle breeder in Miami. Just a hunch...


If you still aren't convince, let's peruse his imdb entry:

- Walked off the set of Luck of the Draw (2000) when the producers refused to let him include his pet chihuahua in the movie.

- Arrested by the LAPD and charged with spousal abuse. [July 1994]

- "I thought my talent would transcend my outspokenness. I was wrong. I'm willing to give them 100 per cent this time. I just want a second chance at Hollywood." [1994]

- "I really only want to work with material that has integrity, and with actors and directors that I respect. You know, people like Tony Scott, Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino- there's a shortlist."

- Turned down Bruce Willis' role in Pulp Fiction (1994). Hmmmm...I guess a second chance at Hollywood, with Tarantino at the helm, somehow wasn't ideal? Was the money not there?

- "As long as I can work with people I'm excited about working with, it will be okay. I just can't work for the paycheck."

- Has admitted in interviews that he only did Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man (1991) for the money.

- "Actors should shut up about politics, because they tend to be ill-informed finger-pointers who just cozy up to some flavor-of-the-month liberal, you know?"

- [on President George W. Bush] "George is doing a hell of a job during very difficult times, more power to him. Screw all them people who don't like him."

- [on what he wants in a woman] "It's like when I buy a horse. I don't want a thick neck and short legs."

- Kim Basinger once called him "The Human Ashtray".



Verdict?

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