United States v. Muslims: By the Numbers

(courtesy The Atlantic)

Just goes to show you that, despite our wealth and military muscle, we are but a moon orbiting the Muslim planet, and we should remember that as we spend trillions of dollars and end tens of thousands of lives chasing down the smallest enemy fighting force we have ever faced.

So take a step back, warmongers, hide your misspelled vitriol for a moment, and start taking up a collection to bribe your Congressional representatives to get us the hell out of Afghanistan, Michael Moore-style:

Let's dig a few thousand wells in Afghanistan, build a few free mosques, leave behind some food and clothing, fix their electrical grid, issue an apology and set up a Facebook page so they can stay in touch with us -- and then let's get the hell out. Your own National Security Advisor and your CIA Director have told you there are less than 100 al Qaeda fighters in the entire country. 100???                           (courtesy HuffPo)

As long as our unemployed serf brethren pony up more than Raytheon, Northrop Grumman, Halliburton, and Xe Services (nee Blackwater) combined, it should be easy enough to transform the United States into a slightly more sensible world power.

_

Killing Us With Our Own Sword

Notice the teleprompters? Republicans don't.

Taking a page out of the Western playbook, the Taliban have experienced a recent surge in popularity and become "a more potent insurgency" by adding Public Relations to their arsenal.

The people don't like you? Lie to them!
Journalists found out about all the evil shit you do? Spin it!
'Terrorist Organization' not working for you? Become a 'Liberation Movement!'

They have even gone so far as to reveal to the public a new code of ethics for Taliban henchmen:

The Taliban’s spiritual leader, Mullah Muhammad Omar, issued a lengthy directive late last spring outlining a new code of conduct for the Taliban. The dictates include bans on suicide bombings against civilians, burning down schools, or cutting off ears, lips and tongues.

(courtesy NYTimes.com)

So...it doesn't bother the Afghan people that not only has the Taliban essentially admitted to burning down schools, bombing civilians, and cutting off people's lips in the past, but they have now adopted Western political tactics?

Clearly these assholes have been on a sinful path for quite some time and it's only going to get worse. What's next? Will they steal elections, get fat, and read James Patterson turds as their tarted-up molls trot around in miniskirts and suck cock, while the rest of the country remains in the dark ages?

Is this really the kind of organization you want to 'liberate' you, Afghanistan? I'm not saying America Fuck Yeah! is a better choice, but I'm pretty sure there are more than two choices here...

_

Who Knew One Pistol Could Bring Our Mighty Army to Its Knees

Two old men had the following conversation in my head today and I felt like I should share:

"You've been in the bathroom awhile, man. Some shit went down."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. The other day a man walked into a crowded room with two handguns and opened fire. He somehow managed to kill 13 people and wound another 30 before being shot four times by a responding police officer who he also shot four times."

"Damn, what a gruesome story. Where did it happen? A school? A post office? The Republican National Headquarters?"

"Haha, yeah right--like anybody could get within 100 yards of that place with a gun... It happened at a military base in Texas crammed full of 50,000 soldiers, many of them trained for grueling warfare in Iraq and Afghanistan."

"Ni**a what?! That guy must have been some kinda bloodthirsty elite commando warrior gone rogue or something...wow...does Arnold have an alibi?"

"Whoa, whoa--settle down, it wasn't anything of the sort. The guy was a 39 year-old rotund military psychologist afraid of going to war."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"It's okay, baby--the police will be here any minute to save us."

Maybe one of the reasons we are having so much trouble in our endless war overseas is because a building full of trained soldiers can't disarm one man with a couple of pistols--they have to wait for a 5'4" female COP to drive over to the scene and throw herself in front of some bullets.

The soldiers even let this asshole RE-LOAD not once, not twice, but three times, for fuck sake, since he shot over 100 rounds of ammunition and the highest capacity clip for the FN 5.7 pistol he used (he never fired the .357 Magnum) is 30 rounds.

Note: There was an attempt in 2005 to make this pistol illegal, but it somehow failed...thanks, Bush.

Seriously, as tragic as it is that so many innocent people died, how the fuck is a lone psychiatrist able to get off that many rounds of ammunition in a room full of fucking battle-ready SOLDIERS?! Are they all named Buster Bluth or what?


I feel like if this happened in a high school locker room somewhere, some bone-headed-heart-of-gold football player would have clocked this guy and saved his classmates, even if he knew he might get shot to death in the process.

Not one soldier could fall on this grenade? Not one soldier had a gun to take him out? An entire platoon couldn't have bum-rushed him and taken him out with a few casualties?

How are all these 'soldiers' feeling now, knowing they are all going off to war surrounded by a bunch of selfish chickenshits? It must be rough knowing the guy next to you would rather duck behind a desk than attack a hostile enemy with his gun trained on his comrades.

Wait--are these soldiers even going to be allowed to go to war now? Or are they suffering from Pre-Traumatic-Stress Disorder and summarily relieved of active duty?

Doubtful--the army needs all the cannon fodder they can get these days, which is clearly the problem here...

_