The Great American Mistake

Coca-Cola is America. Or so they are always telling us.

Can anybody really argue? It was invented in America, patented in America, peddled in America, and mutated into a thriving international megacorporation by generations of enterprising American businessmen over the last 125 years (happy anniversary, btw).

Coca-Cola is a potent symbol of American ingenuity, a shining emblem of American capitalism, and the perfect example of everything that is wrong about where we have come as a nation.

Fact: The syrup used by Coca-Cola bottlers (who are largely independently-owned and operated, although Coca-Cola, Inc. is a minority owner in most of them) is manufactured in the United States, the process involves spent coca leaves imported from South America, and the story is fascinating.

Fact: Foreign bottlers have the option of sweetening their country's Coca-Cola to local taste--the syrup is just the patented secret flavor and contains no sweeteners.

Fact: I buy my Coca-Cola from Mexico because they use real sugar instead of corn syrup.

Fact: Any American who tastes Mexican Coca-Cola will never go back to American Coca-Cola.

Fact: This should be phenomenally embarrassing for Coca-Cola, Inc. and yet they don't seem to care at all or have any plans to revert to using real sugar. Why would they? They are making a shit-ton of money ["Shit-ton" = 1 with 100 million zeroes after it. -Ed.] and sugar costs $0.02 more per shit-ton than corn syrup, so it makes NO sense from a corporate-bottom-line standpoint to make their beverage taste the way it used to and always should.

Fact: This is proof that American businessmen have their heads so far up their asses they only think in the short-term and don't care what customers want, only what they are willing to consume because they don't think they have a better option.

Cocaine is Good for What Ails You

  

Since everybody is always asking me about the history of Coca-Cola, here you go--courtesy of the fine folks at wikipedia:

Fascinating History In-Brief

"The prototype Coca-Cola recipe was formulated at the Eagle Drug and Chemical Company, a drugstore in Columbus, Georgis by John Pemberton, originally as a coca wine called Pemberton's French Wine Coca. He may have been inspired by the formidable success of Vin Mariani, a European coca wine.

"In 1886, when Atlanta and Fulton County passed prohibition legislation, Pemberton responded by developing Coca-Cola, essentially a non-alcoholic version of French Wine Coca. The first sales were at Jacob's Pharmacy in Atlanta, Georgia, on May 8, 1886. It was initially sold as a patent medicine for five cents a glass at soda fountains, which were popular in the United States at the time due to the belief that carbonated water was good for the health.

"Pemberton claimed Coca-Cola cured many diseases, including morphine addiction, dyspepsia, neurasthenia, headache, and impotence. Pemberton ran the first advertisement for the beverage on May 29 of the same year in the Atlanta Journal.

"By 1888, three versions of Coca-Cola — sold by three separate businesses — were on the market. Asa Griggs Candler acquired a stake in Pemberton's company in 1887 and incorporated it as the Coca Cola Company in 1888. The same year, while suffering from an ongoing addiction to morphine, Pemberton sold the rights a second time to four more businessmen: J.C. Mayfield, A.O. Murphey, C.O. Mullahy and E.H. Bloodworth. Meanwhile, Pemberton's alcoholic son Charley Pemberton began selling his own version of the product.

"John Pemberton declared that the name "Coca-Cola" belonged to Charley, but the other two manufacturers could continue to use the formula. So, in the summer of 1888, Candler sold his beverage under the names Yum Yum and Koke. After both failed to catch on, Candler set out to establish a legal claim to Coca-Cola in late 1888, in order to force his two competitors out of the business. Candler purchased exclusive rights to the formula from John Pemberton, Margaret Dozier and Woolfolk Walker. However, in 1914, Dozier came forward to claim her signature on the bill of sale had been forged, and subsequent analysis has indicated John Pemberton's signature was most likely a forgery as well.

21st Century Jesus

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8 Sweet-Ass Ways to Use Coke!

Considering bourbon and Coke is my favorite cocktail ever, believe me when I say this news saddens me deeply. I will never get over it. I will never drink Coke again. My life has been irrevocably altered--for the better, I guess, although blissful ignorance can be pretty cool sometimes.

Pay attention, as these tips may save your life some day:

1. Blood on your street/driveway from last night's little 'what-have-you?' Pour Coca Cola on the offending pavement and smile as the phosphoric acid eats away the evidence in minutes. An old highway patrol trick I picked up as a boom operator on CHiPs.

2. Blood, grease, or noxious odors on/in your clothes? Treat them with Coke, throw 'em in the washer, and rest easy. Nobody will know. Except you. And me. I can see you. Always. But it's cool. Seriously. Forget about it. And put some clothes on.

3. Bathroom sink draining slowly because your sketchy girlfriend sheds like a golden retriever on meth? Pour 2 liters of Coke down the pipe, wait an hour, run the water. Cheaper than Draino, easier than finding somebody else who finds you attractive.

4. Mineral/rust stains on your toilet/tub? Pour a can of Coke in the bowl, let sit for an hour, lightly brush, and flush. I believe you--it's just...mineral deposits...

5. Engine clogged? Clean it with Coke! Why not, that's what the Coca-Cola Company has been using to clean the engines of its trucks for decades! BUSTED! I mean, I don't have any proof, but that's what people tell me.

6. Need to dissolve a nail for some reason? Maybe he squealed on your brother? Let the bastard sit in a resealed 2 liter bottle of Coke and it will cease to exist in 4 days, due to the carbonic acid. Way more effective than cement shoes, trust me.

7. Are you a vegetarian seeking vengeance against your roommate? (I'm talking to you, Vengeful in Vancouver!) The next time he goes away for the weekend, or sleeps over at his 'best friend's' house, destroy his coveted Omaha steak without breaking your solemn vow by simply leaving it in a sealed container full of Coke. The steak will no longer exist in 2 days time.

8. Tired of having all those pesky teeth in your mouth? Drink a few cans of Coke every day and they'll be gone eventually! So will all the calcium in your bones, but it's not like it matters--you'll be so fat by then nobody will even care whether you have teeth or bones!


[Coke and Coca-Cola are registered trademarks of the Coca-Cola Company, duh]