Last night, somewhere in the Marigny, New Orleans - m4w - 41
Me: Man, nevernude shorts, Daffy Duck applique t-shirt w/bird-shit stain, snoring in the gutter as I dreamed about slaying dragons with my mind
You: Legs, girl, laughed when a horse peed a river that roused me from my slumber and ruined my favorite outfit
Fancy letting me perform oral sex on you for a few hours in your air-conditioned house on the whiter side of town? I promise I won't try anything else--I'm just looking to cool off for awhile and I don't have any money and you seem like a nice girl who could use a little attention, keeps herself clean.
If interested, I'll be riding on the shoulders of Jean Baptiste La Moyne in the French Quarter, warbling my favorite Christmas carols all night long as I work my way through three bottles of Mad Dog I stole from CVS this morning while the cashier tied her shoe. Swing by to pick me up and we can go from there, lovergirl.
Since we all know a magician never tells his secrets--lest he be cast out of The Alliance and universally shunned--I guess it's up to me to spoil a couple for ya.
But first, a little backstory...
Years ago, I spent almost an entire month in Las Vegas, living at the Mandalay Bay Resort and working a huge conference for McDonald's. There were so many restaurant managers coming to town for it they had to be divided into East Coast, Central States, and West Coast (+Australia) sections, and after a week of set-up and rehearsals, we had to repeat the same 3-day conference three times (Wed-Fri, Wed-Fri, Wed-Fri).
One of the entertainers involved in the show was noted Las Vegas magician Rick Thomas. Here is the sell on Mr. Thomas, courtesy of The Sahara's website:
Witness the most intriguing and innovative grand illusions in the world with a style unlike any other magical entertainer. Rick Thomas' show is unmatched as he weaves magic, music, dance and exotic animals into a seamless spectacle. Crowned Stage Magician of the Year at the World Magic Awards, Thomas is described as a triumph of personality and presentation. Majestic is the word that best describes the Bengal Tigers in Rick Thomas' Production. Rick's passion for the wild is demonstrated throughout the wonderful effects in which these animals appear...and vanish! Without doubt, the tiger is one of the most beautiful, regal and intriguing animals in the world. It is magic within itself to be working with these fabulous cats and Rick Thomas is one of the privileged few. Experience this premiere (sic) show at a magical price. This show is a riveting visual delight! An extraordinary Las Vegas entertainment value.
Aside from the atrocious writing, he sounds pretty impressive, eh? Well, let me tell you, from a behind-the-scenes perspective, he was nothing short of laughable.
Each week, his crew required that we provide them with a forklift, a roll of black cloth, and two identical motorcycles. I was curious, so I paid particular attention as to how these would be used.
The forklift was draped in black cloth and used to make Rick Thomas' assistant levitate. That's the secret behind the levitation trick--sorry, illusion--a forklift covered in black cloth, lit just right. That's it. The forklift goes up, a hand is waved above and below her and people clap; it comes down, Mr. Thomas steps onto the forklift, and then he magically levitates them both at the same time!
Yeah. Wow. Hard.
His big trick was even funnier. The rubes in the audience watched Rick Thomas dance around onstage like Gob Bluth at his worst, drive a Harley into a large cage, levitate the cage, cover it with a magic black cloth, and then...the cloth dropped and the cage was empty! Then Mr. Thomas suddenly appeared in the back of the room! Riding the motorcycle!
In reality, the second motorcycle was conspicuously hidden beneath a black cloth by the rear doors the entire time and, during the stupid 'dancing' segment, a helmeted Rick Thomas slyly spun out behind a curtain and was immediately replaced by a totally-different-looking-in-every-way-imaginable 'body double' in matching leather jacket and helmet.
Mr. Thomas then ran through the access hallways around the enormous ballroom, climbed onto the second motorcycle, revved it repeatedly, turned on the headlight, and NOBODY NOTICED until a camera revealed him riding down the aisle from the back of the room.
During the first week's performance, he ran up onstage, victorious, and uttered the following line between frenzied gasps for air:
"Magic...at...the...speed...of McDonald's!"
When it came time for his show during the second and third weeks, we had to supply a golf cart and driver, so that Mr. Thomas could be rocketed down the long access corridor in style. Oddly, he was still out of breath whenever he got to the stage and delivered the same stupid line...
So, the next time you wonder how those magicians do it, stop thinking it's something super complicated--apparently, an audience is so easily duped all you need is another person in the same clothes, a second motorcycle, a forklift, crafty lighting, and some black cloth.
A goddamn hocus-pocus travesty...unlike this, which is hilarious and somewhat related:
His movies have grossed more than $2 billion worldwide. He is an expert martial artist with a 7th-degree black belt in Aikido. He's considered to be in the same class of action hero as Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. However, Steven Seagal isn't just an action hero in the movies. For almost 20 years, Seagal has been working as a fully commissioned deputy with the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Office in Louisiana. In addition to going out on patrol, Seagal is an expert marksman who has worked with their SWAT team and has instructed Jefferson Parish officers in firearms and hand-to-hand combat.
Steven Seagal Lawman will allow fans to ride shotgun with Seagal as he and his hand-selected elite team of deputies respond to crimes in progress. Then, when Seagal goes off duty, the cameras will continue following him as he pursues his many ventures, including musical performances and philanthropic efforts in Jefferson Parish and New Orleans.
AMC brought us Madmen and this is A&E's response? A bullshit Cops knockoff starring a loser actor "considered to be in the same class" as better examples of the same type? Every movie he has made since 2001 has gone straight to video for a reason, kemosabe! He was an actor and not a cop for a reason, swanfeeder!
Madmen v. Lawman...hmm...it's is like a community bank offering free farts instead of toasters, and pretending they are comparable enticements for potential new customers. Thanks for the fart, ABC/NBC/Hearst!
_
The trimmings:
My favorite Steven Seagal quote, courtesy of wikipedia:
"I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol."
Talk about a PR maestro! Seriously, has anyone ever wanted to have sex with this guy? The idea seems fundamentally preposterous...and he's rich! I know he has seven kids, but millions of dollars and blackmail can often get you what you want. Besides, he was also married to a woman for three years before it was annulled and, thanks to Arrested Development, we all know that means it was never consummated.
Judge Jury: "Welcome to this week's installment of Judge Jury...and Executioner!"
[Applause from studio audience bussed in from Skid Row after being promised a cookie and Kool-Aid]
Judge Jury: "Alright, let's get started on the case--The People v. Michael Cera. Michael Cera, young, impressionable comic talent extraordinaire, beloved veteran of the unfortunately-assassinated Arrested Development and coming-of-age supergem Superbad, how do you plead to the charge of Making People Who Like You Cringe Every Time They See Your Mug on a Movie Poster?"
Michael Cera: "Not guilty, Your Honor."
His Agent: "Your Honor, my client is clearly doing nothing more harmless than carefully building a solid, reputable career--and a sizable bank account--by playing the lovable dork everyone loves to root for, and who usually has a cutesy romance with some cutesy alternagirl. It works--he would be a sucker to portray a different character until it stops working."
Me: "Your Honor, may I first remind you of my brilliance and handsomeness before I proceed?"
Judge Jury: "I am well-aware and delighted to find myself in your presence, Lord Charlie."
Me: "Thank you. Now, before I proceed with my case, I would like to remind the court of past precedent--The People v. Will Ferrell, The People v. Ben Stiller, and The People v. Seth Rogen. While in these particular cases it is worth noting the bottomless egos of said defendants--combined with the rubber stamp Hollywood eagerly applies to the randomly-generated, unformed ideas hitmakers pitch to talentless, greedy studio executives, no matter how vile or useless--are to blame for the bad taste we all feel in our mouths whenever their names are mentioned, they are important to note because if we are not careful, Mr. Cera will no doubt soon suffer the same fate."
[Applause from studio audience]
His Agent: "Objection, Your Honor--hearsay."
Judge Jury: "Sustained. Be specific, Lord Charlie."
Me: "Your Honor, I present Exhibits A, B, and C: A. Juno (2007) B. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist (2008) C. Paper Heart (2009)
For the sake of common decency, Your Honor, I have intentionally refrained from mentioning a certain Harold Ramis turd that never made so much as a splash in the toilet-bowl of today's moviegoers, yet whose billboards ceaselessly plague them to this day."
His Agent: "Objection, Your Honor--irrelevant."
Judge Jury: "Sustained--get to the point, Lord Charlie."
Me: "Very well: I submit that it is beyond a shadow of a doubt that the young, impressionable, Canadian Mr. Cera is being led down the path of irrelevance by a team of Hollywood pricks intent to use him up and spit him out after taking their 35 percent. The people of this fine country would prefer this did not happen and therefore wish to obtain custody for his own protection--and to ensure the oft-filibustered release of Arrested Development (the movie) as soon as possible."
Judge Jury: "I agree. The court rules in favor of the prosecution. Executioner--you may proceed."
Executioner: "GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"
[Michael Cera's Agent's head is immediately lopped off by the Flying Guillotine]
Me: "OMG!!! I almost forgot, Your Honor--I might feel ill when I think about the movie, but I can't wait for the soundtrack to drop at my local ShitMart!!! LOL!!!! It's true!!!! So many quirky indie tunes to fall in love to!!!! Michael and his girlfriend--who was the co-writer, co-producer, co-composer, puppeteer, and lead actress in Paper Turd--wrote all the songs themselves!!! Awwwwwww!!! And it's only $19 on Amazon!!!"
Judge Jury: "Aye, well, burn me a CD when you get it and we'll see if such saccharine pleases the court while riding in the backseat on family vacations this summer..."
