Should I Vomit Now or Later?

Judge Jury: "Welcome to this week's installment of Judge Jury...and Executioner!"

[Applause from studio audience bussed in from Skid Row after being promised a cookie and Kool-Aid]

Judge Jury: "Alright, let's get started on the case--The People v. Michael Cera. Michael Cera, young, impressionable comic talent extraordinaire, beloved veteran of the unfortunately-assassinated Arrested Development and coming-of-age supergem Superbad, how do you plead to the charge of Making People Who Like You Cringe Every Time They See Your Mug on a Movie Poster?"

Michael Cera: "Not guilty, Your Honor."

His Agent: "Your Honor, my client is clearly doing nothing more harmless than carefully building a solid, reputable career--and a sizable bank account--by playing the lovable dork everyone loves to root for, and who usually has a cutesy romance with some cutesy alternagirl. It works--he would be a sucker to portray a different character until it stops working."

Me: "Your Honor, may I first remind you of my brilliance and handsomeness before I proceed?"

Judge Jury: "I am well-aware and delighted to find myself in your presence, Lord Charlie."

Me: "Thank you. Now, before I proceed with my case, I would like to remind the court of past precedent--The People v. Will Ferrell, The People v. Ben Stiller, and The People v. Seth Rogen. While in these particular cases it is worth noting the bottomless egos of said defendants--combined with the rubber stamp Hollywood eagerly applies to the randomly-generated, unformed ideas hitmakers pitch to talentless, greedy studio executives, no matter how vile or useless--are to blame for the bad taste we all feel in our mouths whenever their names are mentioned, they are important to note because if we are not careful, Mr. Cera will no doubt soon suffer the same fate."

[Applause from studio audience]

His Agent: "Objection, Your Honor--hearsay."

Judge Jury: "Sustained. Be specific, Lord Charlie."

Me: "Your Honor, I present Exhibits A, B, and C:
A. Juno (2007)
B. Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist (2008)
C. Paper Heart (2009)

For the sake of common decency, Your Honor, I have intentionally refrained from mentioning a certain Harold Ramis turd that never made so much as a splash in the toilet-bowl of today's moviegoers, yet whose billboards ceaselessly plague them to this day."

His Agent: "Objection, Your Honor--irrelevant."

Judge Jury: "Sustained--get to the point, Lord Charlie."

Me: "Very well: I submit that it is beyond a shadow of a doubt that the young, impressionable, Canadian Mr. Cera is being led down the path of irrelevance by a team of Hollywood pricks intent to use him up and spit him out after taking their 35 percent. The people of this fine country would prefer this did not happen and therefore wish to obtain custody for his own protection--and to ensure the oft-filibustered release of Arrested Development (the movie) as soon as possible."

Judge Jury: "I agree. The court rules in favor of the prosecution. Executioner--you may proceed."

Executioner: "GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!"

[Michael Cera's Agent's head is immediately lopped off by the Flying Guillotine]

Me: "OMG!!! I almost forgot, Your Honor--I might feel ill when I think about the movie, but I can't wait for the soundtrack to drop at my local ShitMart!!! LOL!!!! It's true!!!! So many quirky indie tunes to fall in love to!!!! Michael and his girlfriend--who was the co-writer, co-producer, co-composer, puppeteer, and lead actress in Paper Turd--wrote all the songs themselves!!! Awwwwwww!!! And it's only $19 on Amazon!!!"

Judge Jury: "Aye, well, burn me a CD when you get it and we'll see if such saccharine pleases the court while riding in the backseat on family vacations this summer..."

_

Hey! Will Ferrell! You've Reached Saturation!

Confessional--I loved you in:
Zoolander (2001)
Old School (2003)
Anchorman (2004)


Now, listen up, assface:

Quality, not quantity.


I'm not sure whether or not you have realized it yet, but we (you) are no longer living in the era of 'stables,' meaning that studios no longer have herds of actors over a barrel, tied to long-term contracts, required to work whenever the studio head deems it necessary, regardless of the quality of the project. Actors, especially the big ones, have more power now than ever before and, hopefully, they ever will in the future (because it has, as I'm sure I don't even have to say, proven itself to be bad for the movie industry.)

This being the case, it confuses me as to why you make the decisions you make. Don't get me wrong--without having gone through it myself, I do understand what you had to go through to get to where you are right now. I've witnessed the trials and tribulations of actors first hand; I know it wasn't easy.

I would never take that away from you--this hard-fought-but- still-in-the-end-sudden freedom to do as you please, but, at the same time, I am almost to the point where I feel as though I should.

Simply because every time you fart some agent/manager/creative executive says "genius!" does not mean that every idea you have actually is genius. You need to be your own judge here, and you need to do it well--that's part of the responsibility of stardom/sainthood.

Will Ferrell movies that came out in 2005:
The Producers
Winter Passing
Wedding Crashers
Bewitched
Kicking and Screaming
The Wendell Baker Story

Okay, so, using your A-list-star/veto power, you were involved in six movies in 2005, only one of which was remotely good (Wedding Crashers). That is not a good hit ratio (0.167); not even for a batter in the National League; you would have been reassigned to the minors, considering your number of plate appearances. I will remind you, the reader, SIX MOVIES IN ONE YEAR!?!

Although I still think you shouldn't have agreed to be in the movie because the script/concept sucked, I actually SAW Winter Passing, and your performance was one of the few highlights of the movie; how come you can't be so reserved and mysterious in other movies? It would behoove you. Don't take the failure of the movie as a failure of you in that role. Likewise, don't take the success of you in other roles as an indication that you should play that particular role again...or even should have played it in the first place (Elf?).


Will Ferrell movies that came out in 2006:
Curious George
Talladega Nights
Stranger Than Fiction

Jesus. Need I say more?


Will Ferrell movies in the works since 2006:
Blades of Glory (2007)
Semi Pro (2008)
Step Brothers (2008)
Land of the Lost (2009)

Two have been released so far; two have been awful. I have no higher hopes for the others.


Although, thankfully, your pace has slackened, I still worry about you, Will. I think you should have taken some time off to recover your comedic self, to relax, to go on extravagant vacations, to discreetly cheat on your wife with various daughters of Greek shipping magnates, to let the creative juices fortify themselves, to re-earn my confidence in you, to allow scripts to pile up, and to then reward yourself with the pick of the litter, the cream that rises to the top.

It's not like you need the money; it's not like you need the fame; so...what is it that you need? What are you getting out of all of these shitty movies, besides some unnecessary green? Are you involved in some sort of career-destroying bet that I am not aware of? I certainly hope so, for your sake, but I doubt you have such an excuse.

Woody Allen makes only ONE movie a year, and he is regarded as amazingly productive as a result. Why?

Two reasons:
1. Despite their frequency, his movies have usually been very good.
2. Because he is an artist, and we know he gives his all to them, as a writer/director/star; and yet they are still so frequent (if recently not so great, considering I haven't liked one since 1995, but that's okay--he's 72 years old, with many classics in his cap, and I forgive him).

Which begs the question:
Why can't you, Will, be as discerning an artist, in your capacity as an actor/comedian?
Why can't you say to yourself, "okay, I will only make one movie a year, but it will be GREAT!"?

What's the problem? Are you running out of money?
Do you have a $20million/year gambling problem, or something?
99.9% of the world--including 99.9% of the U.S.--could live their entire lives off of the salary of ONE of your movies, and you shot 6 of them in one year. [Will Farrell's estimated 2005 salary= $40million]
So don't tell me you have some sort of financial reason.
That being the case, what reason DO you have?
Do you even have a reason?
Or is this where you smile, let your eyes go dead, and freeze, hoping somebody else will come up with the answer for you, before the commercial break?

(Great bit, by the way...)

Life isn't like Saturday Night Live (thank, God).
Grow up and take responsibility for yourself, your career, and your legacy--cuz nobody else will. Trust me.
I told them not to.

Oh, and just so you know, the answer to that question that's been haunting you is 'yes, everybody is tired of seeing you in your skivvies.' It's not funny, it's not sexy, and it's certainly not shocking anymore, so...stop? Please?

[One thing I bet you didn't know about Mr. Farrell, that I couldn't resist throwing into this article, although it has no real place: He won a James Joyce Award from the Literary and Historical Society of University College Dublin for the 2007/2008 school year. Other recipients this year included: Eddie Izzard, J.K. Rowling, Michael Palin, Rory Bremner, Johan Norberg, and Richard Swinburne. And so I can think of at least two more reasons for Joyce to roll over in his grave...]