Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Gwyneth Paltrow Finally Gets Her Due

Yes, she sometimes has a penis; she's that talented.

In a ceremony presided over by Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth II this morning in the throne room at Windsor Castle, everybody's favorite shining star Gwyneth Paltrow received what is heretofore considered the United Kingdom's highest honor--the title of 'Renaissance Woman.'

Since I know you are all wondering, yes--QEII was looking particularly fine in the early morning British fog, her devilishly toned flesh frustratingly obscured by a brown chenille Alexander McQueen muumuu that flew off the shelves at Harrod's by lunchtime.

Gwyneth even once mastered the art of pretending to use crutches in a photo

Flush from the thrill of receiving a meaningless honor she created for herself, Ms. Paltrow bubbled-over as she addressed legions of fans from atop the tall tower while twirling her lustrous blond locks and inadvertently calling to mind a much-more-beautiful, modern-day Rapunzel:
Call me crazy, but I think 'Dames' are so old-fashioned. I'm a modern woman! Who just happens to be a throwback to Leonardo Davinci because I work so much harder than everybody else and I'm blessed. This is fun for me, but mostly it's great to think that the whole world now has a decorated role model that doesn't smell like Judi Dench and exhibits mastery in everything she touches but isn't afraid to still giggle and fart.
At that, Ms. Paltrow began launching rice cakes into the rowdy throngs of worshippers below, occasionally posing for the paparazzi with a million-dollar smile (literally) as the starving masses at the base of the stone tower tore each other limb-from-limb for a taste of the good stuff.

Scotland Yard helps quell the ruthless rioters (Photo courtesy Reuters)

Nothing Is Sacred Editor-in-Chief Goodtime Charlie had the pleasure of sitting down with Her Paltrowness for a few moments today once Scotland Yard was able to sublimate the rioters and enforce a thousand-meter safe zone around a nearby Jamba Juice with three artillery battalions and a few studs on horseback.

Goodtime Charlie: My dear Gwyneth, you look ravishing--but you probably already knew that.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Haha. I did. But that doesn't mean it isn't still nice to hear. I love positive things, I just really love being positive.

GTC: Congratulations on finally receiving your long-overdue title this morning.

GP: Thank you. It was so worth the wait. I loved how everybody came out for it. It felt so great to be so honored!

GTC: Sadly, I can only imagine. Okay, so let's get right to it, shall we? After dominating the stage, the silver screen, the world of country music, motherhood, fitness, everything else, and the culinary world, what can our readers expect next from actress/guitarist/singer/author/dietician/personal trainer/philosopher/mother Gwyneth Paltrow?

GP: Haha, LOL. You flatter me with all those embarrassing truths! Let's just say I'm always up to something, always learning and being creative, and I have something up my sleeve that's going to be awesome. The whole world will just totally love and cherish it.

GTC: Okay, coy, coy...I probably deserved that. Let me ask you this, then--are the rumors true? Have you decided--finally--to focus your unstoppable genius on the world of sport?"

GP: OMG, Goodtime! How did you know? You must have been talking to Lance Armstrong, who is a very dear personal friend of mine that gave me some really good advice. [clears throat] Well, you know, I would never be so arrogant as to expect to dominate every sport right away, so I decided to pick something easy to start with. I want to win the gold medal for England in the Women's Biathlon at the 2014 Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia.

GTC: Wow. I've got to be honest--that sounds like great television. Have you ever shot a gun before? Or skied? Our readers are dying to know.

GP: Well, first off let me say that I love honesty, Goodtime, so I really respect that you said that. And I couldn't agree more! [chugs a pint of wheatgrass juice] You know, I've never done either of them before, but it really doesn't look that hard and I think it would be so cool to have a gold medal hanging in my house that I'm willing to work really hard for it. I'll probably start training once a week and getting into a groove so that I'm ready for 2014. Chris said he's going to buy me a gun this weekend, so we're both really excited about that. I think I'm gonna paint it pink and put cute little stickers on it.

She doesn't even need to look at the target

GTC: And what will you do with your gold medal when you get it?

GP: Well, first I'd bite it to make sure it's real. Haha, kidding--that wouldn't be good for my teeth and my teeth are so important to me, as a person. I'd probably just wear it around my neck for a year or so, then turn it into a really clever mobile for Apple and Moses. Give them some inspiration to achieve their goals in life no matter what anybody says, you know? I just want them to feel like they can do anything. They're such powerful people--I learn so much from them every day.

GTC: Haters gonna hate, right? So let's address right now what will no doubt become the most frequent complaint in the blogosphere about the next step in your quest for world domination of everything: Don't you think there are people more qualified than you to compete for biathlon gold?

GP: I don't think so. I'm pretty sure there's a slot for me there if I'm willing to put in a little work. I mean, I don't know very many people that are into biathlons these days.

GTC: I believe you. Okay, it looks like we don't have much time left here, so I'm gonna dose you with a bit of truth serum and blow through a few more questions here. Why exactly do you plan to compete for jolly old England, rather than your home country?

GP: Don't get me wrong, Goodtime--I love America. It is a Country Strong, you could say. [laughs] I really fell back in love with it while I mastered the art of pretending to strum chords on a guitar that isn't even plugged in and singing heartfelt country songs somebody else wrote, but my heart is still so very British. Inside of me, you know? Deep down. It's just a feeling. Maybe I was a princess in a prior life or something, like Diana but more likable and down-to-Earth.

GTC: So you win gold in Russia. Then what?

GP: That's a good question! What's left, right? I guess I would probably want to win the Iditarod, swim from Australia to Japan without stopping, get up there and finally fix that stupid Space Station, broker peace in the Middle East, design a machine that turns garbage into flowers, and help every woman in the world have better skin with a few secret tips I've known about for years.

GTC: You're such a silly little c*nt.

GP: I know! [giggles]

Unable to restrain himself any longer--since he is, after all, mostly human--Goodtime Charlie threw up in Gwyneth's face, struck a match off her left cornea, puffed to life a massive joint, climbed to the roof, punched out her helicopter pilot, and flew straight to Monaco to try his luck at the baccarat table while wearing a very-realistic-looking fake handlebar mustache.

To be continued...


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