Thursday, November 25, 2010

Crazy House

Looks like somebody in Vietnam caught a case of the Gaudis (see his Casa Batllo) and designed himself a regular Crazy House (see below). Elsewhere in the world, the crazy had nothing to do with Gaudi (maybe), but the buildings are just as fascinatingly beautiful.

CrazyHouse in Dalat, Vietnam, found here

CrazyHouse (street view?) in Dalat, Vietnam, found here

CrazyHouse2 in Ramat-Gan, Tel Aviv found here

CrazyHouse3 found here


Here is a website featuring many more interesting/crazy buildings from around the world:

Enjoy your exploring, trusty internet explorers! And please see your nearest Boy Scout troop leader for your merit badge upon completion of your journey to crazy town.


Friday, November 12, 2010

So THIS Is Where Decolletage Leads You...

Anyway, so there I was casually using the term decolletage in a sentence and the next thing I know, I'm knee-deep in a Wikipedia-driven fantasy world, in complete disbelief at what I am seeing, imagining what it would be like for a 12-year-old boy to cruise the internet and discover all kinds of weird shit he probably assumes all adults are into.

Case in point (click image to enlarge or click here for link):

Sure, it may be awkward, take forever, only possible when breasts are of a certain size, and please only one partner, but mammary intercourse seems to be the way to go these days for people worried about pre-ejaculate, afraid of condoms, and in favor of pearl necklaces (you know who you are).

Plus, if the devil juice lands on your decolletage and not in your mouth, you won't have mouth babies!

PS--I still recommend using a dental dam [Check that link out! -Ed.], though, in case any stray semen finds its devilish way into your mouth, as it is certainly wont to do, although please keep in mind dental dams are only 96% effective against mouth babies. [Hey--every little bit helps, right? -Ed.]

PPS--Did you get a load of that drawing? Did they really need to show the pearl necklace on her decolletage? Who drew this thing? While part of me thinks this is awesome and hilarious, another part of me wishes it were sugar-free.

PPPS--I recommend clicking on the "Listen to this article" box on the actual wikipedia page; it's pretty funny...


Thursday, November 11, 2010

An Open Letter to Teenagers Everywhere

Kids today really need to get tougher skins or they'll all be dead in five years and the world as we know it will slowly draw to a close, Children of Men-style.

A 14 year-old girl hangs herself because the friends of her alleged rapist were tormenting her?
Numerous high-school kids killing themselves because kids make fun of their sexuality?
Kids so afraid to go to school because they are getting bullied that they drop out, go into highly-medicated therapy, get even more depressed, and kill themselves later?

I love to break it to you, kids, but this shit has been going on since the dawn of human society. Deal with it, just like everybody has done for millennia. You are not special, this is not a new and more potent form of torture that the human psyche is unable to withstand.

You think it's awful that people make fun of you in the school cafeteria? That you get text messages that say "Suck my dick, faggot!" or "U R a lesbo LOL!"? That mean people write mean things on your Facebook page that you can immediately delete? Oh, no! Your life is so unimaginably difficult--nobody else could possibly understand because cell phones and Facebook and fags weren't around when they were kids!

It's 11/11--Make a Wish!

Here, I'll start off and then you can just ignore this entry and get back to taking pictures of your cats:

I wish I had a huge, sturdy oceangoing vessel to travel the world aboard indefinitely, with enough room for a rotating supply of friends and family to join me for segments of the lifelong voyage, a competent and good-natured crew to do all the work of actually piloting/maintaining the ship, maybe a tennis court, and definitely a hot tub.

It would look something like this:

Or maybe like one of these:

But definitely not like this:

Paul Allen's floating pleasure palace. In the absence of friends,
he takes aboard any sycophant that can find a room not used to store bags of cash.

What would it be like to live on the ocean? Who knows, but I'm sure I would get used to it and my pleasure would be derived more from the places I would be able to go, the random beautiful things I would see along the way, lengthy trips ashore in foreign locales on a whim, the close company of loved ones, and the eternal adventure of always being on the move.
"Where we headed, boss?"

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Gotta Love the Gamer Geeks (Sometimes)

This is one of those times:

[Thanks, Tomfoolery!]


Womb-Like Slumber Guaranteed--For a Price

This room at the Conrad (as in Hilton) Maldives Rangali Island looks pretty sweet, as long as a whale doesn't bump into it in the middle of the night or a hurricane doesn't throw a yacht at it.
Arrive at our Maldives hotel in style in a seaplane over the lagoon, dine in the world's first all-glass, undersea restaurant and indulge in luxurious spa therapies.

Sited in a picturesque corner of the Maldives, our luxury Maldives resort is spread across two islands, surrounded by a vibrant coral reef and lagoon. Twice voted 'Best Hotel in the World' and several times 'Best Resort', our Maldives hotel boasts 50 luxurious water villas, 79 exotic beach villas and 21 fabulous spa water villas with private treatment rooms.
Okay, time to paraphrase (so you don't have to read the word Maldives 400 more times): an 18,000 bottle wine cellar, a spa built above a coral reef (and probably killing it), 7 restaurants (including one underwater), and don't worry--there is also a souvenir shop, jewelry store, and high-end Italian clothing boutique on-site so you don't have to miss out on spending obscene amounts of money shopping just because you're in an island paradise, m'kay?

So, let's see...150 rooms at double occupancy is 300 guests on a good night. The staff for these 300 guests is probably around 300 (bellman, waiters, chefs, prostitutes, line cooks, dishwashers, reception staff, cleaning personnel, boat drivers, seaplane pilots, spa personnel, store clerks...).

Where does the product of 600 people going to the bathroom every day wind up on a tiny sandy island in the middle of the ocean? Did they create their very own 'human waste reef' on the side of the island nobody is allowed to visit? Where the "sea-monster" lives?

Ah, the creativity of the megarich businessmen selfishly portioning out the world for their own gain...

Some more photos to entice you (book through me and I get a 20% vig): 

Monday, November 8, 2010

He's Back, Baby!

Yes, this is a real movie--directed by Jodie Foster, no less (discuss).

Yes, it was shot before (some of) that shit went down.

Yes, the notecard says something else on the real poster.

Yes, much like the man himself this project was a bad idea from the instant it was conceived.

Yes, you will probably see it with your family this holiday season and/or receive it on BluRay from a friend as a Valentine's Day gag gift.

Yes, you all should be ashamed of yourselves.

Aside from the movie crew's community-saving bribes to dozens of unemployed+underwater homeowners near the shooting location pretending to mow their lawn every day, probably the only good to come of this debacle is all of the anti-fan art out there on the web.


Probably a direct quote as he walked to craft service for a handful of Peanut M&Ms.

I would much rather see THIS movie.

Probably an accurate assessment of what Gibson's golden years would have been like
if he didn't have $400 million in the bank and a team of parasites that live off him.

For even more anti-fan art, check out the endless comments on the post that inspired mine at Videogum.


Sunday, November 7, 2010

Just the Facts, Ma'am

Fact: The Colored Bartender in The Palm Beach Story was played by a man who called himself Snowflake.

For this and many other reasons, I find it hard to imagine what it would have been like to be alive in 1942. Others reasons include having to wear a wool suit all the time, hats, hair oil, the everpresent cloud of cigarette smoke, propriety, World War II, racism, and the absence of rock'n'roll.

Only in a truly fucked-up world would a black man rise the ranks of the entertainment industry as a performer named Snowflake, parlay that modest success into the dream role of "bug-eyed black man in a white tuxedo getting shot at by wasted wealthy white hunters on a private train car from New York City to Palm Beach" in one of the biggest comedies of the year, and then have this article written about him in the paper:

Friday, November 5, 2010

NOW! That's What I Call a Church, Vol.1

Sagrada Familia, in Barcelona
Designed lovingly by the great Gaudi
127 years in the making and still unfinished
Still waiting for me to find my bride, I suppose
Or is it me who's waiting?


Welcome to Los Angeles, 2010

"Take a letter. To yourself.

"Here we go:

"I think everybody strolling the web who would click on this link below (either of them, actually) should be sent to a page where they are instructed to turn their ovens on and put their heads inside them.

"Whatever cog-in-the-wheel schmo we hire to write the copy for the webpage we should have this headline redirect to should make liberal use of his or her powers of persuasion, but it shouldn't be too difficult a task to birth prose effective in effortlessly eliminating that pool of people we're after for some reason I forget.

"Here's a first draft he or she can work from: 
"I probably shouldn't be telling you this, cuz it may put me out a job, but turning your oven on, getting it real hot, and then sticking your head in there for about twenty minutes is actually better for your hair than a professional blow-drying session with Vidal Sassoon. Try it now and I promise--not only will you look your best, but you won't spend any money on blow-drying for the rest of your life!
-- Antonio, Professional Hairstylist in London, England

"With schmaltz like that--and a photo of some handsome vaguely-foreign man in a button-down white cotton shirt holding a hairdryer and smiling in front of a mirror--I bet we'd have 15% of our target demographic put-to-bed after 72 hours on the web, as long as we hit the right sites, which shouldn't be too hard.

"Phase Two, once we earn enough advertising revenue, is to buy a thirty-second spot or two during Real Housewives of Appalachia to advertise our second-generation websites--"LA's Best Places to Encounter Paparazzi" and "LA's Best Corporate Tacos", which both link to a slightly-altered head-in-oven-pitch, with the same spokesman wearing different costumes and assuming different expert roles, so we only need to kill one innocent person when we're done with all this.

"We'd pretty much sack the whole lot after two episodes, by my calculations.

"So, whaddya say, Buddy-Boy? Are we partners?

"Should we take a blood oath and get started tonight?

"Affectionately, Dick Tracy, etcetera, etcetera.

"Well, so you read the letter now, what do you think?"


Thursday, November 4, 2010

This Is How Uncool I Am

Does this look cool to you?

I cannot imagine why it would ever be something to do, but apparently in England people like to get together and consume spoonfuls of powdered caffeine at parties.

Huh? Wha?

Last week, according to AOL Health, it came to light that Michael Lee Bedford, [a] British man, died after consuming "spoonfuls" of caffeine powder at a party with friends. AOL Health reports that Bedford had the equivalent of 70 energy drinks in his system at the time of his death in April. According to Dr. Eric Braverman, a lethal dose of caffeine would be about 10,000 milligrams — or 100 cups of coffee — the website reports. 

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and bet there were no girls at this "party" and the guys were desperately trying to work up the 'caffeine courage' to fuck their pet robots in front of each other all night while they play videogames and laugh in high-pitched voices.
Either that or I guess I'm just not that cool anymore and it was not only a bitchin' party, but caffeine is also a breathtaking high I've been a stranger to for way too long.
Might be worth the experiment--I'll order a 60-gallon drum and see what happens. If it's empty in two weeks, break through my window, shoot me with a tranquilizer dart, strap me to a comfortable couch, and let me ride out the withdrawal til I'm back down among the mortals. A ride like that should be one you can walk away from.


Oh, to be young and feel like your opinion matters...

Huh. I wonder what the map would look like regarding issues such as gay marriage, ending wars, health care, taxes, and the legalization of pot.

Would it seem as crowded as the National Mall when Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert took to the stage last Saturday?

Only one way to find out...

"Internet--somebody get to work on those maps, okay?"

We might be missing out on a giant social trend going on under the radar here in Planet America Inc--young people these days may be for the most part pretty easygoing and sensible compared to the older generations embarrassing the shit out of themselves* all over the country these days.

If only good were as contagious as bad.

*Sometimes literally, often into non-biodegradable diapers afterwards tossed unapologetically into the gyre


Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Don't Forget to Vote Today, Democrats!

Now that the Republicans have cast all those votes for every Representative up for election, it is time for the Democrats to take their turn.

Don't be intimidated by how many votes you will need to defeat the Party of No or by how many people tell you the polling place is no longer accepting votes--JUST DO YOUR CIVIC DUTY and get Democrats into office.

Why? Well, because although most of them are reprehensible human beings, they are slightly better than Republicans.

Here's why:

- They actually want to pass laws, rather than just say "No" to everything and accept bribes
- Most of them are in favor of stopping the ridiculous tax cuts for the rich and providing aid to the poor and unemployed
- They do not want to eliminate the IRS, EPA, Department of Education, or Social Security because they are smart enough to realize we would be TOTALLY FUCKED if that happened.
- They weren't members of the party that got us involved in two expensive wars, deregulated and then got into bed with the financial industry, and bailed out Wall Street with no strings attached

Do you need any other reasons?

Okay, they seem to frequent prostitutes a bit less than Repubs, fewer of them are self-loathing homosexual gaybashers, and their party chairman's wife makes the best potato pancakes you have ever eaten.

So get out there and vote, Democratic America!

Or risk 2 years of frustratingly constipated government/name-calling, as the Dark Side plots and rubs hands together mirthfully in a dark room, ushering in a 4-year period of pain, torture, and destruction unrivaled since the days of Sodom, after some as-yet-unnamed Teabagger demon rides a throne of skulls from the banks of the River Styx all the way to Warshington, atop a tidal wave of disembodied souls, and turns back the clock to 1848, when "shit was pure" and the evil corrupt rich white man ruled unequivocally, sans pesky liberal fruit flies buzzing around their luscious picnic basket full of money.

Your choice.

With love,
Your Senator


Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Little Girls Getting Owned

I know I will one day be gleefully banished to Hell by a vengeful God for laughing at these videos every time I see them, but I just can't help myself--they're hilarious.

Little Girl Owned by Trampoline:

Little Girl Owned by Swing:

Little Girl Owned by Bench:

And THAT'S why you don't put floppy hats on your little girls, parents!

Little Girl Owned by Soccer Ball:

Little Girl Owned by Dog:

More General Ownings:

I could watch these forever and I just might...


Monday, November 1, 2010

Scratch THIS, A$$hole...

If you thought Balloon Boy's Dad was crazy before (like when he faked that his son was up in a balloon at 7000 ft. for hours in an attempt to get a reality TV show), wait til you check out his latest invention, which unfortunately involves a lot of shouting:

Am I the only one who realizes how smooth that thing looks--how could it possibly compete with the scratching monster that is bark?

Here's to hoping this stupid prick fails to make $36,000 off this and has to start selling vital organs to pay back the police department for part of their emergency rescue bills...

(Thanks, Videogum)