The Amish Need to Get Real

Easily the most vain Amish people in the entire world

Amish communities in Illinois (which apparently exist) are upset over a law that will soon take effect in the state that will require photos on all firearm-owner identification cards.

Can you imagine being upset over that? It seems like a reasonable requirement (we require a photo to verify you are the correct person driving a car but not buying a gun?) and I'm surprised it wasn't already in place, so...what exactly is the problem?

Well, it seems the Amish--much like Australian Aborigines living off the land in the middle of nowhere, as they have for thousands of years--aren't big fans of photography. While it does not appear they are afraid it will capture their souls (that sounds so stupid, right?) they ARE afraid of what embracing this newfangled technology will mean:

The Amish are also known for being uncomfortable with photography, especially posed photography, which they believe leads to idolatrous vanity, according to AmishNews.com.

(courtesy HuffPo)

If the Amish don't figure something out quickly they might be royally screwed because apparently a lot of them "hunt and they usually use squirrel or rabbit rifles to bring some food back home" as well as "to disperse varmints," according to the Mattoon Journal-Gazette and the Amish America blog.

So let me get this straight--the Amish have a blog, their own news website, and apparently unfettered internet access, but believe photographs of themselves will end the world as they know it? Is a blog not the height of vanity? [Don't answer that. We can't handle it. -Ed.]

Get real, Amish--you've been kicking around for a long time and seem to be doing pretty okay (somehow), but as H.G. Wells once said, "adapt or perish." Either join the real world already or slowly turn your evaporating culture into little more than a quaint museum exhibit fourth-grade schoolchildren draw penises on with Sharpies during interminable field trips.

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Paris Hilton May Plague You For Millenia

I realize I'm behind the times, but here goes...

This just in:

Out there in the ether, there is a blog maintained by a man who wants to live forever.

This being his main concern in life, the author writes about a wide variety of things that affect mankind's ability to live forever--things such as nuclear weapons, rain in Africa, and cryonics.

And, trust me, asshole, when you are a man who follows cryonics, there is no way to avoid this revelation:

Paris Hilton has paid a bunch of money to have her body preserved for potential reanimation--along with the the bodies of her two pet dogs.

Say, wha?!!

‘The Simple Life’ star said: “It’s so cool. Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced.

“And if you’re immediately cooled, you can be perfectly preserved.

“My life could be extended by hundreds and thousands of years.”

So, you have been warned--if you, too, like Walt Disney, desire to live forever, you will still be plagued by Paris Hilton and her ilk.

Reconsidering yet?

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"Hello, Police?"

"Yes, it's an emergency. I was online tonight and somebody mentioned that Chad Michael Murray is a douche. I had no idea who he was, so I looked him up and this is what I found:"

[Reads this link in its entirety]

"Yeah, I know, this girl--nay, 25 year-old woman--has got a Chad Michael Murray fetish that I fear just won't quit until she literally owns his bloody, douchey heart and secrets it away in her hope chest. I think he's in grave danger."

[listens]

"Yeah, I'll hold."

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