Good evening. Thanks for stopping by the company picnic. I thought it would be a more relaxing venue for what I want to share with you.
We here at Goodtime Charlie Incorporated (a subsidiary of G.E. Goldman Viacom Blackwater & Hathaway LLC) thought it might be wise, what with the embarrassingly abundant resources at our fingertips, to find a way to use all that information in an informative and entertaining manner.
So we started a new feature we'd like to premiere for you right now--it's called
Lifestyles of the Rich & Filthy. It is to appear on a frustratingly irregular basis and only on the most discerning sites on the web, to best limit exposure to those who don't deserve it.
With that in mind, I reckon we should get started with the profiles--and why not start at the top?
Goodtime Charlie was born in 1887, on a riverboat outside Detroit, to a disgraced single mother who died in childbirth. Left to his own devices at an astonishingly early age, Goodtime had no choice but to rely on his cunning to survive.
By age 8, he had a law degree from Oxford, spoke six languages, published his second acclaimed book of poetry, and was advising Ohio Governor William McKinley daily on how best to move from the state house to the White House.
Yes, let's just go right out and say it--prayers for young Goodtime's sexual maturity occupied most of the day for the average American woman from 1895 - 1901.
In 1901, Mr. Charlie--now a prominent industrialist, philanthropist, and sexually-active acrobat--arranged for the assassination of his old friend, President McKinley, after the President failed to turn up for a duel arranged to settle their battle for the heart of a promising young Vaudevillian minx.
At 21, Charlie, richer than Midas and a proud father of seven, got bored with life among men and abandoned his family to sail around the world forever on a yacht he carved himself out of a single tree.
Aside from his fantastic beard, renowned sexual prowess, nudism, and the fact that he never ages, little else is known about the man himself.
Well, that's a lie--here are seven more tantalizing facts we know about the reclusive national treasure:
1. He is 122 years old and lives in the middle of the ocean, in a house he built with his own hands out of salvaged materials.
2. He works tirelessly in a top-secret research facility/lounge carved into a mountain on an uncharted island and controls the native population as a benevolent dictator.
3. Every time he gets behind the wheel he sets a new land-speed record in his highly-modified 1939 Bugatti 57C.
4. He's had many, many women over the years, including Brigitte Bardot in her prime.
5. He's written every hit song since Joplin--under an ongoing series of pseudonyms--and possesses the velvety voice of an angel.
6. His diet consists of naught save whiskey, wine, spring water, hand-caught lobster, and exotic sandwiches.
7. Although you will most likely never see him, or even figure out what he looks like, rest assured he will maintain effortless control of your hearts and minds merely for his own amusement.
Well, that's all for today, people of the world. Please be sure to tune in for our next installment of
Lifestyles of the Rich & Filthy or the next time you encounter me it might look more like this:
_
In 1901, Mr. Charlie--now a prominent industrialist, philanthropist, and sexually-active acrobat--arranged for the assassination of his old friend, President McKinley, after the President failed to turn up for a duel arranged to settle their battle for the heart of a promising young Vaudevillian minx.
