STOP--Statistics Time

GTC HQ, before the new paint job

We here at Goodtime Charlie HQ are proud to share with you, our loyal readers, the fact that we have reached a new milestone--this month there have been over 1500 unique visitors to the site, despite the fact that we never advertise.

We are also proud to say that we remain advertising-free, to the continuing detriment of our bottom line. Not only is it easier to look ourselves in the mirror this way, but we also can't imagine anyone who might want to advertise here, considering the dangerous content, from a boredom/PR standpoint, we say with puffed chests, as if we amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.


Regardless of all that mumbo-jumbo, here are some more fun audience statistics, courtesy of Dr. Goodtime:

- The most readers on a single day was 110 on 12/09/09

- Readers come from 76 countries, including one dangerous dude in Iran, who my sources tell me actually steals an internet connection using a sharpened toothbrush pointed SSE, down in his unmarked cell in the middle of the desert, down where we will never find him.

- Much like the red state/blue state map, oddly, most readers in the United States live in California, New York, and Illinois

- Not one person in West Virginia, Wyoming, South Dakota, or Delaware has checked in this month

- The most popular article this month is the Michael Jackson one, which has been viewed by 258 people.

- The most popular month was December, 2008, which, upon recent review, was a pretty awesome month.

- 65% of readers used Firefox as their browser (nerd alert!)

- The only phrases people have typed into Google that resulted in my blog being first on the list are:

- goodtime charlie nothing is sacred (duh-Ed.)
- "real dolls" "face fuck"
- joan rivers is so old
- how people want to escape the present
- 10 stages of romance
- private torture and rape clubs

Well, statistics class is over, students--thank you for reading and please remember to bring me shiny red apples stuffed with gold coins tomorrow morning or you'll all get caned and peed on.

_

"Arrrr, matey, make haste! Throw the blighty bastard off the poop deck before the accursed pox spreads to the whole ship--he's got The Gout!"

It looks like The Gout is thumbing its nose at all those ignorant souls clueless as to what its curse entails and if it's not exactly bringing millions of landlubbers to a watery grave, the unlucky gluttons are at least experiencing their fair share of discomfort.


"But how does this affect me, an arrogant, relatively healthy--or at least non-gouty--person, in my day-to-day life?"

Well, Mr. Ponce, imagine for a moment that you were to sit down for a delicious meal in an upscale restaurant--Bennigan's, for example--and are served your food by some guy with a mysterious white fluid oozing out of his hands:

"In the early stages of the disease, gout attacks, which can last several days and are excruciating, occur only rarely. But over time, the frequency increases and people can develop disfiguring and disabling lumps of the chalky white crystals, called tophi. Michael Clayton of Atlanta, who has severe gout, said he had to quit a job as general manager of a restaurant after customers complained about the tophi on his hands, which sometimes oozed liquid resembling Wite-Out."

(courtesy nytimes.com)

Yeah--gross. So, you know, get wise--fear the gout. It is everywhere.

"Holy shit! What do I do?!!"

Well, Dr. Goodtime recommends that you try to avoid any interaction whatsoever with those persons afflicted with this 'gout,' in the off-chance the pharmaceutical reps--I mean 'doctors'-- are lying to us out of their own self-interest and the disease is actually contagious.

As if you needed another reason to avoid making out with fat people! LOL!!!!!!!!! OMG!! ROTFL!!!!!!! JMFC!!!! HELP!!!

(btw, shunning is always the shrewdest option, if you ask me, when it comes to other people)

If you are unsure as to how to recognize a sufferer of gout, they usually look like this:



There you have it, people of the Internet. You have the knowledge, you have the will to live--now get back out into that big fat scary world and live in fear--I mean 'be safe!'

_