Time for a Re-Post

Ladies and gentlemen, it is nigh. And when I say 'it,' I mean THE WEDDING OF THE CENTURY.

For those of you living in Bumblefuck eating sandwiches made from the cheese between your toes, this wedding is between Chelsea Clinton and some guy who is not important right now and never will be.

Who is he? Who cares. All I know is that I am full of woe because he is not the guy who offered 40 goats and 20 cows for her hand.

Now, for those of you not familiar with the current woman-to-animal exchange rates, let me tell you this--those terms are very favorable, especially in this difficult economic climate. Ma and Pa Clinton would be wise to reconsider this generous offer on the eve of their daughter's wedding to some nameless loser, unless of course that guy's parents are providing an even more lucrative dowry.

But we all know they aren't. Instead, a portion of Bill's speaking gigs and book royalties are providing a $3 million wedding for some toothy girl who has done nothing to deserve such luxury. She was in college before her parents ever had that much money and now they are dropping it on her wedding.

WTF, America? This is why we will wind up killing each other during the apocalypse.

Well, whatever--the important thing is that nobody on the East Coast can fly or drive for an entire weekend and some fourth-cousin will make millions of dollars selling poorly-composed photographs to the tabloids on Monday.

Sigh.

And now, for completists, a trip down memory lane.

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How Brave

Chelsea Clinton announced yesterday that she is going to do her part in sending aid to the people of Haiti--by hosting a spin class in Manhattan.

"Good Afternoon SoulCyclists," the note says "in a time of need, we can always look to our SOUL COMMUNITY to take action. In response to the recent devastation in Haiti, we are doing our best to make a difference. Please join Chelsea Clinton and SoulCycle for a special 90-minute ride on Thursday, Jan. 21 to benefit The Clinton Haiti Relief Fund."

Front row "seats" to the event cost $1,000, while second row bikes will go for $500 and all other bikes will be $100. Checks were to be made out to The Clinton Foundation with a notation that it should go to Haiti relief efforts.

(courtesy People.com)

Boy, she's really got that Super Rich act down pat already. The only child of wealthy, politically-connected, celebrity parents, she was somehow hired as the youngest consultant at McKinsey & Company immediately after receiving a master's degree in International Relations from Oxford, then decided to move on to a hedge fund run by a good friend of her parents and get engaged to an investment banker.

Now, despite her own lucrative salary and her family's ridiculous wealth (the Clintons made $109 million between 2000-2007), she is not donating any actual money to the cause--just 110 minutes of her time, including travel to and from the fitness center, for which you will be asked to pay dearly.

Is all the family money getting sucked up by that daring team of hairdressers that straightens and dyes Chealsea's rat-nesty hair four times a day? Or are the Clintons simply stockpiling and laughing their way to a dynasty?

Probably a cocktail of the two. Anyway, I'll be praying to Jeebus for a barren womb for Chelsea this Christmas, so that I can take over the deep, jowly laugh from Billary and join in all the fun. Are you there God? It's me, Charlie...


Chelsea Clinton fact of the day:
During the Clinton's stint in the White House, Chelsea's Secret-Service codename was 'Energy.'

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Very Kind, Indeed!

After eight years of sleepless nights and near-constant regret, fortune has once again smiled upon Ma & Pa Clinton, as they recently discovered a nearly-impossible-to-locate-trust-me-they-tried Kenyan man's 2000 offer of 40 goats and 20 cows for their daughter's hand was still valid.

As elated as a Hollywood producer landing Johnny Depp for scale, President Aeternus Bill Clinton finally opened that dusty box of Cubans he's been saving since Chelsea's bittersweet sixteen and had a good long smoke with his incredulous Secret Service team.

"I bet Kim Jong-il is kicking himself now!" He laughed heartily, recalling his recent clandestine lobbying efforts in North Korea. "I told him 20 goats and a pirated Golden Girls collection was an insult, and lo and behold..."

The silver fox trailed off, unsure how to finish this sentence, a cocktail of emotions swirling beneath his regal facade.

"Well, I guess sometimes words just have their limit, my friends--and that's why the good Lord invented jazz."

And just like that, Bubba hefted his battered and bruised alto saxophone and fudged his way through some Coltrane.

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