Sweet Valley Barbie

You've patiently waited your entire life for this moment, stuck for what has seemed like forever in a state of perma-tween-ness, despite your encroaching crow's feet, expanding web of spider veins, oceans of cellulite, Ann Taylor shopping sprees, the fact that you still live with your mom...and now you shall be rewarded with two of your three wishes coming true, dearie, both arriving at a theater near you sometime in the next couple years:


1. Everybody's favorite annoying bitch, Diablo Cody, has an Earth-shattering idea she simply must bring to life--the ghost-written 152 book series Sweet Valley High--and the studios were tripping over each other to help her do it on their dime, despite the fact that she doesn't even own the rights yet, both she and her manager demanded to be attached as producers, her latest movie (Jennifer's Body) only made $8.6 million in its opening weekend, and her and Evilberg's TV series, The United States of Tara, still sucks.
Predicted Worldwide Gross: $152 billion for the entire series (provided the Sweet Valley High twins are turned into sexy vampires, of course)


2. Universal won the derby for the Sweet Valley Vamps, but rather than rest on its engorged laurels, they went right back out to the mall and picked up the movie rights to Barbie from Mattel. Cracka, what? Now THAT is going to be an awful movie. Can you imagine how shitty the animation is going to be, how annoying the voice will be? What is she going to do? Shop, get her nails done, battle anorexia, and fall in and out and back in love with Ken again? Boring!
Predicted Worldwide Gross: $9 billion for the 9-part series, provided Barbie at some point becomes a vampire


What can I say, baby? When a studio makes an uninspired, market-pandering decision to remanufacture exhausted, woefully-uninventive shit instead of creating indelible, original art, they really go for it. As for your third wish...sorry, toots--Patrick Swayze died the other day. No take-backs.


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