I don't give a candied fig where the frig your apple's been...

Something has been bothering me for a long time now.
Only one thing.
The fact that a certain kind of person (the Ned Flanders of the world, be they religious or otherwise) believes replacing a 'bad' word/phrase with a similar word/phrase renders is harmless.

Example:

"Where the frig is my friggin' G.I.Joe guy?"

I ask you, how is this any different than:

"Where the fuck is my fuckin' G.I. Joe guy?"

Is it not the intent that counts? Don't impressionable children react more to vocal tone and body language than to brass-tack semantics?

My own mother, whom I don't think has ever said a 'bad' word in her entire life, uses this word (frig/friggin) on occasion. More importantly, though, she and my father (who has uttered the occasional 'bad' word in my presence, though rarely in my mother's) allow my siblings to use this word, and many others like it, in their presence.

Whereas 'bad' words were never allowed. And yes, I did have my mouth washed out with soap once. And for those of you keeping track, when my younger brother said the exact same thing a few years later, the same punishment was unfairly not visited upon him. But I digress...

Keep in mind this is the same mother who taught me that "it's the thought that counts."

The same mother who taught me that results were not half as important as your intent.

Example:

Me: "Why am I being punished when I didn't kill him? He didn't even eat the poisoned Cheerios!"
Her: "But you wanted him to--you intended for him to die, and that is why you are sitting in the corner and will be grounded until college."

But the blame is not to rest solely on her shoulders. This odd, hypocritical situation exists because of the Western World's strange and continued adhesion to woefully-uncool Puritanical values. Certain words are deemed 'bad' and those are not to be uttered. Every other word, no matter how similar, is okay. Right and wrong. Black and white. Nonsensical.

As nonsensical as a religion that desires its flock to be fruitful and multiply, yet grossly restricts sexual activity. As nonsensical as a religion that celebrates the beauty of God's labors, yet forbids the appreciation of (non-religious) nude imagery.


"Go fly a kite!" = "Go fuck yourself!"
"Go suck an egg!" = "Go fuck yourself!"
"Go jump in a lake!" = "Go fuck yourself!"
"I don't give a hoot!" = "I don't give a shit!"
"I don't give a flying fig..." = "I don't give a flying fuck..."
"What the 'H' is going on?" = "What the hell is going on?"
"Goshdarnit!" = "Goddamnit!"
"Flippin" = "Fuckin"

I could go on forever. But I won't.
(at least not out loud)

These translations are widely known--in fact, that is the only reason these odd new phrases EXIST--to replace phrases people feel they cannot say.

So...at what point do these replacement phrases attain the same accursed value as the forbidden ones?

One would think immediately, but the correct answer is: never!

It's just easier that way. We are a nation ruled by hypocrites--why should this be surprising?