It's 11/11--Make a Wish!

Here, I'll start off and then you can just ignore this entry and get back to taking pictures of your cats:

I wish I had a huge, sturdy oceangoing vessel to travel the world aboard indefinitely, with enough room for a rotating supply of friends and family to join me for segments of the lifelong voyage, a competent and good-natured crew to do all the work of actually piloting/maintaining the ship, maybe a tennis court, and definitely a hot tub.

It would look something like this:

Or maybe like one of these:

But definitely not like this:

Paul Allen's floating pleasure palace. In the absence of friends,

he takes aboard any sycophant that can find a room not used to store bags of cash.

What would it be like to live on the ocean? Who knows, but I'm sure I would get used to it and my pleasure would be derived more from the places I would be able to go, the random beautiful things I would see along the way, lengthy trips ashore in foreign locales on a whim, the close company of loved ones, and the eternal adventure of always being on the move.

"Where we headed, boss?"

"Anywhere!"

_

Is that a monkey in your girdle or are you just glad to see me?

A man was recently stopped by authorities in the Mexico City airport and discovered to have 18 tiny endangered monkeys in his girdle, two of them dead, all of them wrapped up in small sacks.

According to Huffington Post, when authorities asked the man what the fuck was going on, he told them "he was carrying the monkeys in a suitcase but decided to put them in his girdle 'so the X-rays wouldn't hurt them.'"

The Mirdle

First off, why does this man wear a girdle, if not for the sole purpose of smuggling monkeys? I have never met a man--especially from the Latin world--with a bulging belly that didn't seem proud of it, who didn't allow its burgeoning girth to stop them from pounding beers by the dozen and lounging on hammocks in the backyard while casually explaining to the TV how athletes could do what they are doing much better.