OMFG! Finally!

My bated breath tactic finally paid off--the hotly-anticipated cover for the next Dan Brown instaclassic has finally been revealed!

Five grueling years of waiting over, I hardly know what to do with myself anymore. So I just stare at it. You should do the same. Come on--try it:


Isn't it the most fucking breathtaking beast you've ever seen? It is exactly what I thought it would be--and more better different at the same time!!! LOL!!!

I can't wait to read an advance copy once my mole at Doubleday earns his keep. But don't worry, secret web police--I would never cut into Mr. Brown's profits. I don't roll like that when the future of high art is on the line.

As soon as it's released on September 15th, I will buy 4 first-edition copies: one to covet, one to store in a vacuum-sealed bag in my safe-deposit box in the Cayman Islands (best investment ever!!), and two to give to all my friends!

Pre-order now from your favorite shit-schlocker.

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Turd Deemed 'Not Too Smelly,' Eaten By Millions with Nothing Better to Do with Their Time, Money

People of all stripes often wonder why better movies aren't made these days, without stopping to realize they might be--if the shitty ones weren't making so much goddamn money.

Seriously, as much as I would like it not to be true, what motivation is there these days for the men in charge to alter their modus operandi?


Case in point:
Excluding marketing costs in the neighborhood of $40 million (which are never factored into a budget, for some reason) the $150 million Tom Hanks/Ron Howard stinkbomb DaVinci Code II has already broken even, after a $152 million global box office take in its opening weekend.

Assuming an average ticket price of USD$10, that means 15 million people spent ten dollars and 2hrs+20min of their time to see this movie over a mere three day period--appalling, but, sadly, not unexpected.


The fact that none of the audience members adored it, that most of them left the theater saying "eh, it was...good..." to each other will not prevent them from seeing the third one, which is no doubt already being cooked up by Dan Brown, Ron Howard, and Satan as we speak, at the chef's table of an Argentinian steakhouse somewhere...

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