Suicide Watch

08/18/07

Last night I gained a hundred pounds.
Or so it seems. I haven't climbed up on the scale yet, in fact don't plan to, but I'm pretty sure my estimate is accurate. Why does this impressive weight gain matter? It doesn't. I just felt like telling you so that you would feel superior to me; unless you gained more than a hundred pounds last night, in which case you are even worse off than I am, and should probably call a few friends over for suicide watch. It's best to have them work in shifts, by the way, and avoid narcoleptics, Romeos, and drug addicts at all costs.

Speaking of suicide watch, I was keeping my eye on a close friend the other night; well, actually we were never very close and I can't even remember her name right now, but anyway, I was just about to doze off, suicide watch being as boring as you might imagine, and my cell phone rang. The sick dance beats emanating from my phone seemed to conjure up some sort of intense flashback or nightmare or something, and my friend, whom I believe ingested more than her fair share of ecstasy in her day, suddenly started quivering, moaning, and thrashing around.

So I had to go out into the hallway to take the call, since it was kinda hard to hear over all the guttural hullabaloo and the peach on the other end of the line was legendarily luscious. I thought about changing the clocks, waking up mi amigo Juan, and convincing him his shift had started, but I simply did not have time. If I missed the call and she heard my antiquated voice mail message, which I hadn't changed in days, that discerning fox would have trotted along to fresher pastures and made me a memory. My friend was just gonna have to chill while Casanova here worked his game hard, uniform all dirty at the end and shit, and scored some face-time with this Cleopatra.

Long story short, my friend choked to death on her own tongue, Juan came after me with a baseball bat, I fled the scene, my date was one for the ages, after all the sex was over my friend Jimmy got me high, I ate three dozen fudge brownies, and I woke up all fat this morning.

Sometimes life just ain't fair, players.