Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Russian Spy Acts Like a Spy, Authorities Shocked

You've heard about the Russian spies by now. You know enough about spies from watching movies and reading hardcover thrillers.

It's too bad you are not also the Chief of Police in little ole Cyprus, or this never would have happened:
Christopher Robert Metsos, the 11th suspect in the alleged Russian spy ring who was arrested in Cyprus yesterday, has gone missing, authorities said.

Glamorama Lives!

Sort of:

(Go full-screen with this bitch--not sure why the embedded code is messed-up, but it's better that way anyway...)

Thanks to Movieline for the heads-up.


The Fart Heard Round the World

The reviews are in for M. Night Shyamalan's casually-anticipated The Last Airbender, which opens in theaters this Friday.

Please remember to keep an open mind as you read the following critical excerpts, courtesy of, and judge for yourself whether or not you should see it this weekend:
The picture drags along the ground like a fresh corpse, treating its own myth as homework and the participants as burdens, while feeling around a fantastically wasted world of weathered environments and ornate set design.
-Brian Orndorf,
Where to start with this one? How about this: If any movie ever warranted a class-action lawsuit against the filmmakers, it’s The Last Airbender.
-Keith Phipps, AV Club
More after the jump...

Chapter 2: The Fist Party

Here is a two-part, fifteen-minute-long absurd comedy show, for your viewing pleasure, courtesy of the youtubes and Sunset Television:

Part 2--the best part--continues, after the jump...

Coolest Homeless Couple Ever?

This photo almost makes me want to be homeless, to feel the unbridled freedom of the open road, from possessions and responsibilities that weigh me down. How liberating would it be to wake up to the singing of birds in a verdant park after a long night's sleep, your doting girlfriend cuddled up on your chest, not one obligation weighing you down, the entire day--nay, the rest of your life--naught more than an empty to-do list full of whimsical possibility and the kindness of strangers?

My New Favorite Website

There aren't too many things in existence that I wish I had created myself (Five Easy Pieces, Tropic of Cancer, American Psycho, The Office, Sticky Fingers...), so although today has just begun, it has already been a day for the ages.

As I was trolling through Huffington Post--ie, reading the morning paper--I stumbled upon a website that I totally should have started a long time ago. It's called "Tea Party Jesus: The Words of Christians in the Mouth of Christ" and it is a stunning work of absurdist political comedy.

Check out a few of my favorite works after the jump and click on the name of the speaker for a link to the quote source. Also, if you can't read the text, just click on the image to enlarge it.

Antiquated Technology Makes Me Laugh

It would be even funnier if that phone had better reception than mine, which I suppose is entirely possible since only about 1000 people had cell phones back then and hardly ever used them.

Anybody ever use one of these? Is it possible to still use one of these with the current networks? That might be an awesome throwback accessory to pull out one night...


"OJ, purple stuff, soda, brine?"

Somewhere out there in this wide, whimsical world, there is a man--no, at the very least, several men, by the sound of it--who have a deeply disturbing affinity for pickle brine.

Here is what one of those men has to say about one aspect of its versatile appeal:
A shot of whiskey backed up with a shot of pickle brine tastes good (way better than it sounds), but I feel as if there's something more to the pickleback: sentimentality, comfort. The pickleback is the macaroni and cheese of the cocktail world.
(courtesy Max Watman, HuffPo)
Hmmm...while that last claim may indeed be a disturbingly accurate description of this horrid drink's place in the current cocktail hierarchy, when you think about how much salt and shittiness is in Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, why is that designation meant to imply it's something people should be drinking?

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Armageddon is Nigh?

A quick perusal of Huffington Post this afternoon was perhaps the most depressing thing I have done in a long time. For all of you out there that don't believe me, read on and see if you can stand it:

What Can Brown Do for You: Scott Brown blocks Wall Street reform to ensure that taxpayers, not banks, pay the $19 billion cost of the bill
This one wins best title, for its apt use of what is most likely the worst corporate slogan in history. I've said it before and I'll say it again: why is one man who is not the President powerful enough to stop anything from happening?

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

The Bible: The First Corporation?

Much like the corporation is a faceless legal entity that conveniently takes all the blame for the actions of the greedy, shady humans that run it, the Bible readily absorbs blame whenever anyone wants to be an asshole.

This Must Be What Russian Prostitutes Are Like


Judging from the snow, coats, and cold hands, I hope those are control-top pantyhose with limited-edition faux-mink lining on their legs...


Who Else Would They Marry?


Workin' for a Living

Not sure who the photographer is, but I like this shot a lot. It reminds me of my younger days, back when anything was possible.



For everybody who is interested in dabbling in some meth (I know you're out there--the numbers don't lie), take a look at the following horrific photos after the jump--if you have the stomach for it...

California Finds a Way to Make Rush Hour Worse

As if things weren't bad enough already out here, they are poised to get quite a bit worse:
SACRAMENTO, Calif. (AP) - As electronic highway billboards flashing neon advertisements become more prevalent, the next frontier in distracted driving is already approaching - ad-blaring license plates.
The California Legislature is considering a bill that would allow the state to begin researching the use of electronic license plates for vehicles. The move is intended as a moneymaker for a state facing a $19 billion deficit.

Box Office Blues, By the Numbers

(courtesy Box Office Mojo)

In the era where studios deliberately put out target-marketed shit chock full of hot bods, special effects, and shallow characters, then expect to recoup at least 50% of their budget from curious/duped audiences on opening weekend, before word of mouth can get around, I am pleased to bring you the following news this week:
The A-Team has yet to make back half of its production budget in two weeks on over 3,500 screens. Add in marketing costs of $5 trillion and this bitch is in trouble.

Prince of Persia cost $200 million (plus marketing) and has only reaped $80 million so far--in four weeks on over 2,600 screens. Maybe a hog-wild Iranian box office will balance America's extreme disinterest?

How Boring is Downtown Sacramento?

No California governor has lived in the governor's mansion since 1967--and it's free! It comes with servants! It's right near where they are supposed to work!

I mean, admittedly, it looks pretty creepy and is probably full of Munsters, but does any other state have this problem? [I seem to recall Blagojevich governing Illinois from Chicago -Ed.]

Republicans Say the Darndest Things

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Day 62 - The Strife Aquatic
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorTea Party


Monday, June 21, 2010

Michelangelo Antonioni: Under the Microscope

In honor of the long-awaited, upcoming Criterion release of Antonioni's Red Desert (1964) tomorrow (6/22/10), I decided to finally continue with my Director's Corner series. Enjoy!

Michelangelo Antonioni ranks right up there with Eric Rohmer in the pantheon of directors who are reviled by many moviegoers for being boring.

Despite this similarity in mainstream audience response, Rohmer toiled in obscurity while Antonioni was an internationally-renowned auteur who spent his free time in bed with internationally-renowned beauties and made exactly the sort of movies he wanted. Antonioni was even courted by both the Brits and the Yanks, back when Americans still thought Europeans were cool.

The strangest thing about this drastic difference in fortune compared to that of Rohmer is that Antonioni's movies are even slower than those of Rohmer. To give you an example, one of my favorite Antonioni scenes involves three characters who hardly say a word to each other--and one of them is an oscillating fan.


Sunday, June 20, 2010

Tired of Being Too Tan, Topless Woman Plunges to Her Death


With All the Rain Lately, I'm Getting Worried About Teenagers This Summer...

Don't you hate it when you head home after a great summer night out with your hubby, only to find yourself covered in those annoyingly itchy teenager bites? Do swarms of teenagers prevent you from leaving your house to enjoy the fruits of your labors?

Well, your fucking troubles are over, man!

Simply purchase The Mosquito from Moving Sound Technologies for the low price of $1000 and those pesky teenagers will never again disrupt your picnic, outdoor concert, or garden party.

What is The Mosquito, you ask? Why, it is teenager repellent--to keep your lives teenager-free, of course!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Breaking News: Depressed Hollywood Actor is Now Fat

Heartthrob-cum-fatty Jeremy London might not be living the high life like he used to during his Party of Five days, but he has at least managed to etch his name onto the list of 2010's strangest news stories.

If you made this stuff up, everybody would think you were stupid:
Armed bandits abducted and robbed Party of Five star Jeremy London and forced him to smoke drugs during a harrowing five hour ordeal in Palm Springs, California, police have revealed to

London, 37, was attempting to change a flat tire on his vehicle when a man stopped to help him, outside the Bahama Hotel & Apartments on North Palm Canyon Drive, late on the evening of Thursday, June 10.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

German Man Does Something Weird

The news is just getting too fantastically strange this lately. There is clearly something in the water--is it oil?
Puppy Thrown at German Biker Gang

A German student "mooned" a group of Hell's Angels and hurled a puppy at them before escaping on a stolen bulldozer, police have said.
The man drove up to a Hell's Angels clubhouse near Munich, wearing only a pair of shorts and carrying a puppy.
He dropped his shorts and threw the dog, escaping on a bulldozer from a nearby building site.
He was arrested later at home by police. The 26-year-old is said to have stopped taking depression medication.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Total Coincidence: By the Numbers

27 states went Republican in the 2008 Presidential Election, which means, ummmmm...ummmmm...23 went Democratic. [Well, 24 since we count D.C. below, although that does not make it a state, Republicans. -Ed.] Luckily for us--as well as everybody else--those states had more people in them.

And smarter people?

Check this shit out:
States with the lowest percentage of college-degree holders

Georgia           34.0%       Republican
Kentucky        32.2%       Republican
Mississippi      31.7%       Republican
Tennessee        31.3%       Republican
Texas               30.7%       Republican
Arizona            30.7%       Republican
Alaska              30.5%       Republican
Oklahoma        30.3%       Republican
New Mexico     28.5%       Democrat
Nevada             28.2%       Democrat
West Virginia   28.2%       Republican
Arkansas          25.9%       Republican

Thursday, June 10, 2010


Despite the teeth, the occasional Kermit voice, the melodramatic coughs, amateur production values, and complete lack of evidence, please don't treat this warning lightly, Californians.

Please pray for the safety of all your loved ones and, since that never works, make sure to have your everything ready to go by the crack of September.

Oh, and eat your heart out, Katie Couric--something tells me Frankie is ahead of the curve on more than just baldness and he won't be at his own station for much longer...


Wednesday, June 9, 2010

There's Only One Thing That Could Make John Travolta Cool Again

And despite it sounding like a totally awesome idea if you are a movie executive who has no idea what people want, it isn't Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Or a bald head. Or an RPG. Or an ill-conceived movie nobody saw.

What is it then, you ask?

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

It's a Man's Life in the Modern Army

Okay, so that obscure Monty Python reference has nothing to do with this American men's magazine from the 1950s/60s, but I couldn't resist.

Anyway, how great is that magazine cover? "Chewed to bits by giant turtles."

Here are a few more I found on this website:

Finally, Another Comedy for Fat People

Kevin James has been off the air for what seems like forever and, as a result, there has been a noticeable--and tragic--dip in the number of fat people trying to be funny on television.

As good as Kevin James was at trying to be funny while fat, however, it always felt like something was not quite right with King of Queens.

You guessed it--his wife. She was too skinny! How is middle America supposed to relate to a skinny, attractive person who looks amazing when rubbed down with baby oil and Photoshopped!

That's not what they want to see on TV!

[Notable exceptions include Seinfeld, Friends, and almost every other TV show ever made--but not Roseanne, thank you very much! -Ed.]

Enter Mike&Molly, one of CBS' certified-platinum fall hits that plans to fill the Kevin James gap. [Gross! -Ed.] Mike is an obese Chicago cop and Molly is an obese 4th-grade teacher, so you know, they are totally relatable on the job front, too.

Mood Swing, in Pictures


(screen capture from - yes, it exists)


(Photo courtesy Getty Images, via the Guardian)

The lesson to be learned here, world, is that fairy-tale building decor (and wardrobe/kitten to match) is not only much more exciting, but also healthier for you than the existence of a couple of media-groomed little shits with blow-dried hair who have way more money than everyone you know (combined) for no good reason.


Whenever You're Feeling Down...

Just be thankful you are not one of these tragedies:

Allie Loves--and Respects--Pancakes

Here is an interesting new(ish) website for you to check out every so often, whenever you need a cutting-edge pancake design to impress that certain-special-someone (aka Carrot Top):

It's called Jim's Pancakes and although they do not look super edible, much less tasty--something about the bright colors just makes me think of Play-Doh--they are pretty cool to look at. And his daughter seems to love them. Although kids also love eating dirt and glue, so who knows.

Here is a video showing Jim making bacon and egg pancakes:

Monday, June 7, 2010

If there was ever a wedding to nuke...

That hearing aid practically gets her off by itself. You should try it sometime.

It was Rush Limbaugh's recent embarrassingly expensive wedding to his fourth wife:
...according to a News Corporation wire report, the Rocket Man, 63, serenaded the 400 guests into the wee hours Saturday night to celebrate the marriage of Limbaugh, 59, to Kathryn Rogers, 33, in the Ponce de Leon ballroom of Florida's fabled Breakers hotel in Palm Beach. Sir Elton's fee: $1 million, the report notes.

Amid dozens of giant bouquets of white roses (and very tight security), reports the Palm Beach Post, guests at the wedding included former Bush adviser Karl Rove; actor-politician Fred Thompson; former Kansas City Royals slugger George Brett; Fox News commentator Sean Hannity; former New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani; New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft; former Clinton adviser James Carville and his wife, GOP analyst Mary Matalin; and golfer Tom Watson. A wedding guest also tells PEOPLE that among the others was Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.

Bows and Arrows Are So Hot Right Now

I don't know how you feel about it, Internet, but I think Lindsay Lohan looked pretty damn good at this photo shoot the other day. And she showed up for work! Double points!

I mean, her ass is just...jutting right out there. If it weren't for the meth-breath, the persecution complex, the idiocy, and the craziness, I could see myself settling down and growing to love that little potbelly.

Dare to dream, kids--dare to dream.

(For more photos, check out dlisted)


Sunday, June 6, 2010

Image of Miley Cyrus Captured On Digital Camera Somewhere

This picture brings no less than four things to the forefront of my brain:
1. Miley is way less attractive in the face than I remember and this disappoints me twice as much as it may disappoint you because she was totally on my list of post-career-collapse conquests and now I'm not so sure. My world is being shaken like a snow globe right now.
2. I can't believe neither Miley nor her hair-stylist/best-friend have iPhones. Have they not heard of them yet? Are they still on Sprint because they didn't want to pay that crazy early-termination fee? Don't

3. That bag is awesome. I want one--it looks like a Hefty bag with a $4500 price tag on it and everybody will totally be jealous when they see I have one.
 4. This girl is worth more than $25 million and I can't afford a used taco right now.


Talk about a dear in headlights! (Pun!) This flash is so bright that Miley looks two-dimensional. Also, are those jeans actually jean-printed spandex? I'd believe it...


Saturday, June 5, 2010

Diggler Lives!

BP, eat your heart out--this is the best news story I have seen in a long time (or at least since this gem):

Sword-Wielding Porn Actor Dies After Falling Off Cliff in Standoff
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- A porn actor suspected of killing a colleague with a sword was taken into police custody Saturday after he fell some 40 feet from a rocky hillside from which he had been threatening to jump, officials said.

A "less lethal munition" was used against Stephen Clancy Hill just before his plummet, said police Officer Bruce Borihanh, who had no other details about the weapon that was used.

SWAT officers spent part of Saturday afternoon trying to talk Hill down from the outcropping as he clutched a sword.

It was unknown whether the sword was the murder weapon in Tuesday's deadly attack at a DVD production center that also left two people injured.

Hill fled to the Chatsworth neighborhood hillside after leaving a house where he was barricaded for most of Saturday.

Borihanh said Hill, 34, would be booked on murder and attempted murder charges after he was treated by paramedics. His condition was unknown.

The charges were filed against Hill Friday after Eric Jover, who runs the Ultima DVD production house, offered a $2,000 reward on the company's website for information leading to his arrest.

Hill attacked a colleague with a sword that was used as a film prop during a social gathering at the Ultima's studios about a week after being told he was being fired and that he would have to move out of the production facility, where he had been living, authorities said.

He then turned on two others who rushed to their co-worker's defense. One of those who attempted to help, Herbert Hin Wong, 30, was killed in the attack.

Hill, whose professional name is Steve Driver, fled in an SUV with the murder weapon, authorities said.

Ultima is located in the San Fernando Valley, known in the adult film industry as Porn Valley for its large number of porn businesses. The small company produces niche films featuring fetishes and sexual domination of men.

Hill was convicted of second-degree assault and a handgun charge in March 1999 in Maryland, according to court records.

UPDATE: The LA Times reports that Stephen Hill has died as a result of head injuries suffered from his roughly 50 ft. fall...Developing...
(courtesy Huffington Post)
Wait a minute--he lived at a "DVD production company?"

Dottie popped over for a cup of tea before her big date with Bjorn.

I'm just gonna skip over the fact that this porn actor--who was only involved in fetish and "sexual domination of men" porno, mind you--lived at the studio he also shot porn in because I love how the person who wrote this won't even dignify porn movies with the sobriquet "movie," but rather insists on referring to the company as a "DVD production company."

Harrumph! Nothing those filthy people make would ever be projected in a theatre! They're not movies! They don't even shoot them on film anymore!

I wonder what exactly this swashbuckler did to get fired. Did he lose his six-pack? Forget to shave his chest? Shoot so much heroin into his dick it won't work anymore? Fuck one of the boss' whores?

I also would like to know how this guy is able to travel around LA so freely--he drove from the studio to a house that "he was barricaded for most of Saturday" to another house in Chatsworth --after murdering somebody with a sword in a place of business.

Also, do enough people really frequent the website of this niche porno company to warrant posting a $2000 reward for information leading to arrest? Did it work? Who are these people?

Also also, "less-lethal munition?" They won't admit what it was? Well, here a few guesses:


Acoustic Bullets: High-power, very low-frequency waves emitted from one- to two-meter antenna dishes. Results in blunt-object trauma. Effects range from discomfort to death.
Curdler Unit: A device that is plugged into a sound system to produce a shrill, shrieking, blatting noise. It is used to irritate and disperse rioters and has a decibel range just below that of the danger level to the human ear. It is used in night operations to produce a "voodoo" effect and breaks up chanting, singing, and clapping.

Infrasound: Very low-frequency sound that can travel long distances and easily penetrate most buildings and vehicles. Long-wavelength sound creates biophysical effects: nausea, loss of bowels, disorientation, vomiting, internal-organ damage, or death may occur. By 1972 an infrasound generator had been built in France. When activated it made the people in range sick for hours.

Acoustic & optical

Photic Driver: A crowd-control device that uses ultrasound and flashing infrared lights to penetrate closed human eyelids. Potential for epileptic fits because of the stroboscopic flashing effect.
Psycho-Correction: A technology invented by a Russian scientist that involves influencing subjects visually or aurally with imbedded subliminal messages.


Coating, Slick: Teflon-type lubricants that create a slippery surface. In the 1960s the term "Instant Banana Peel" was coined to describe the capability provided by Riotril. When applied to a hard surface and wetted down, this dry, relatively inexpensive white powder becomes ice slick. It becomes virtually impossible for an individual to move or stand up on a hard surface so treated.


Biodegrading Microbes: Microbes that turn storage tanks full of aviation fuel into useless jelly. Such microbes may produce acids or enzymes that can be tailored to degrade almost anything, even concrete and metal, so their potential use as nonlethal weapons could be extensive.

Genetic Alteration: The act of changing genetic code to create a desired less-than-lethal but long-term disablement effect, perhaps for generations, thereby creating a societal burden.

Neuro-Implant: Computer implants into the brain that allow for behavioral modification and control. Current research is experimental in nature and focuses on lab animals such as mice.

Project Agile: Series of military-science studies in Asia conducted in May 1966 for the Advanced Research Projects Agency. One such study centered on developing "stink" bombs that were race specific.

Pheromones: The chemical substances released by animals to influence physiology or behavior of other members of the same species. One use of pheromones, at the most elemental level, could be to mark target individuals and then release bees to attack them.


Police Jacket: Police jacket that jolts anyone who touches it.


Prophet: The projection of the image of an ancient god over an enemy capital whose public communications have been seized and used against it in a massive psychological operation.
Soldier Forces: The projection of soldier images that make an opponent think more allied forces exist than actually do, make an opponent believe that allied forces are located in a region where none actually exist, and/or provide false targets for his weapons to fire upon.
Death: Hologram used to scare a target individual to death. Example: a drug lord with a weak heart sees the ghost of his dead rival appearing at his bedside and dies of fright. 


Invisible: One concept envisions a fluorescent powder sprayed into crowds from a pressurized container. Particles adhere to clothing and are visible only under ultraviolet light. Another concept envisions sponge grenades impregnated with infrared dye so that rioters can be later identified.


Smoke, Colored: Colored-smoke concentrations produce greater initial psychological and panic effect than white smoke. Caucasians are said to have a greater repugnance to brilliant green smoke, whereas Negroids and Latins are declared to be most adversely affected by brilliant red. Rioters confronted with a strong concentration of colored smoke feel, instinctively, that they are being marked, or stained, and therefore lose anonymity.

Riot-control agent

Tear Gas, Invisible: Invisible tear gas cannot be seen by rioters once it emerges from a grenade or mechanical dispenser, and therefore has a greater psychological panic-producing effect than tear smoke.
(Find the rest here. Thanks, Harper's)

It's nice to finally see some of the cutting-edge products our tax dollars have been funding over the years. Good job, scientists!


Los Angeles: Home of the Vaunted Broom Bear

That is some serious equipment there. The engineering involved in that thing is sick--aside from all the spinning brushes, the water system, and enormous engine, the middle segment jacks up and dumps the mess somewhere (the nearest Pacific tributary is popular, as it the most cost-effective solution). When we colonize the moon, this is probably what the astromen will clean it with once a week.

More importantly, this bear is evidence.  As a society, we have progressed from not giving a shit, to having actual humans clean our streets with brooms, to a citywide fleet of $127,000+ monster trucks [And that's used! -Ed.] that is valued more for its ability to generate bottomless profits from parking tickets than it is for leaving a trail of cleanliness.

Well done, world.


Vintage Prom Photo

Isn't that just adorable? A poor man's Steve Jobs got to take Alice in Wonderland to his senior prom. When you think about what they probably look like now, it seems criminal. Thank you, Father Time!

"You're welcome!"

These two freshly-scrubbed kids seem a bit young to be wearing these kinds of clothes, but when you look at their faces for long enough (no less than fourteen hours), they seem totally comfortable in them, as if they were born to be adults. It's impressive.

This couple looks right out of Saturday Night Fever and I love it--despite the fact that it's tinged with sadness, as her corsage is an embarrassment and that always ruins a night on the town.

These next two nightowls have got to be from the South and, with that in mind, this photo is not only inadvertently hilarious but also could have been taken anywhere from 1950-2010.

But this is by far the most surprising thing I saw on my recent tour of the internet:

Fourteen results? That just doesn't seem right.

Hopefully, I've been able to change things with this missive, get things back on the right track--to right what once went wrong, you might say. I'll have to try it again and see what happens.



More. In less time. It worked; I don't know how, but it worked...


Coolest Squirt Gun Ever?

Oh, I mean bong; coolest bong ever.

If nothing else, it will certainly last longer than this one:
(Photos courtesy City Rag)

Friday, June 4, 2010

Huey, Dewey, Louie, Scrooge, and Gandalf

It's pretty amazing this kid (what is he, 16?) can so effortlessly imitate the alcohol/cigarette/time-ravaged booming voice of Sir Ian McKellen (who, btw, has his own website).

Hollywood entertainment conglomerates must be relieved to know that should Sir Ian happen to meet his maker during the filming of a movie (The Hobbit 2?), some computer geeks and this kid's voice will ensure that nobody in the audience will notice.

Come to think of it--this might just add another 50-60 years to McKellen's lengthy career. Animated movies would be a snap and live-action would just require a green-masked body double and a slight increase in the visual-effects budget.

Hmmm...I wonder how Sir Ian feels about suddenly becoming so eminently replaceable...


Thursday, June 3, 2010

If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.

Here are some quotes, sayings, one-liners, what-have-you that I read the other day on this peculiar website and liked. All those that you like without names attached were probably said by yours truly during a moment of drug-induced brilliance.

99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.

A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." -Winston Churchill

A man on a date wonders if he’ll get lucky. The woman already knows.

A religious war is like children fighting over who has the strongest imaginary friend.

"A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin

A smoking section in a restaurant is like a peeing section in a pool.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

"Any fool can know. The point is to understand." - Albert Einstein

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Be naughty – save Santa the trip.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the airplane, the pessimist invents the parachute." - George Bernard Shaw

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." - Mark Twain

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." - Pablo Picasso

Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.

Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.

"Everybody has a plan, 'til they get hit." - Mike Tyson

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

"I can resist everything except temptation." - Oscar Wilde

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If god is inside us, then I hope he likes fajitas, cause that’s what he’s getting.

If homosexuality is a disease, can I call into work ‘gay’?

If the opposite of pro is con, then what must be the opposite of progress?

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction." - Blaise Pascal

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The trouble with ignorance is that it picks up confidence as it goes along.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


Men Get Raped, Too, You Know


And it's always funny [When it's by a woman -Ed.]:
Just wanted to extend a thank you to the very much of a big girl that roofied, then raped my roommate, and then robbed us blind last weekend. As you know my roommate doesn’t drink much and according to him after the two drinks you insisted on purchasing for him at Table Steaks, that was sadly his last coherent memory. In your defense my roommate is a pretty cool and funny dude to be around, but what’s not in your defense is that you drugged him, stole my IPod, his laptop and wallet, plus your white trash ass took five bottles of liquor from our bar. There is no way in hell that you didn’t drug him. I was awoken at three in the morning by you bumping your dirty fat girl music while giving my roommate a striptease and rubbing him up and down with your back fat rolls as he laid there motionless. You also had the audacity to ask if I wanted a lap dance next. Politely I replied “No thanks, I’m pretty tired, you too have fun.”
What I should have done is thrown a box of Oreos out the window and watch you race gravity to catch those delicious cookies all twenty stories down to the pavement. I will admit that due to your large stature, you probably could’ve kicked both of our asses, hell; you probably could have eaten at least one of us. Making matters worse not only did you rape my roommate but you did it while you were on the rag and left our couch looking like a fucking crime scene. One of the cops who showed up to our house to file a police report started gagging when we showed him our nice new cream colored couch that now after your endeavor; looks like someone drop kicked a can of meaty marinara sauce across it. Since you’re so fond of taking things that don’t belong to you, feel free to swing by ally adjacent to our condo and pick up that couch you and your hatchet wound destroyed. Also, since you treated my roommate like a mechanical bull, he has been limping around like a 17 year old German Shepherd with hip dysplasia all day; needless to say you fucked him up pretty bad. Oh my roommate just informed me that Season 3 of Arrested Development is missing, “Jesus, you are the worst kind of skank-waffle ever!”

Side note: This totally explains the weird strawberry syrup stains on my couch and--trust me--I have learned my lesson. From here on out, it is Jennifer Convertibles all the way.

Why? Because I'm worth it.


Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Meals on Wheels


Apparently, there are men out there that are very interested in fucking obese women in wheelchairs, but they're not sure exactly how to go about it.

Although I am not a chubby-chaser (not that there's anything wrong with that) or some creep with a thing for crippled girls ("), I don't find either element of that sentence surprising.

Because people come in all flavors, right? It's a beautiful thing, right? And if you were into that sort of would you do it? I mean, how?

Enter a proud "Obese, Tattoo'd, Smut-Mouthed, Wheelchair-Bound Bitchy Artist" with some serious grammar issues to kindly tell these poor saps exactly what they should be doing with their tips.

Here's a taste:

Tip two; foreplay can turn into "forward out of the way" if the wheelchair is not off. When engaging in foreplay with your will chair bound mamma, set adjacent with open legs for us to park our love machine. This assists with the closeness between you and your partner and insures there will not be the always awkward "Fuck, you ran over my toe" dance.

Now remember, foreplay is a way of saying "hello" to one another's body before the big bang goes down. But, what do you do when your love mate can't physically participate at the level in which you play the game? You improvise. Never expect us non-ambulatory females to get down on our knees and undo your pants with our teeth. We need some assistance please. Playful kiss and roam our body. When you feel our hand slowly creeping up your thigh, mind you, this is not a form of teasing we just move slow, retract, raise a brow and look down. We know what you are asking. Bring it on out, we are ready to shake hands and make a new friend.

Tip three; hand jobs go nowhere when you have the grip of a granny. Let us watch.

Tip four; be ready to be one person performing the act of two people. We know when it's time to get down with the get down but we need help lying down.

[For the rest of the spiel, click on this and it will take you to the Village Voice website where I found it.]

I must say, while I admire both her ardor and her candor, this Bitchy Artist seems to be all over the place here.

For example: Since when do people who can't use their legs have "the grip of a granny?" Wouldn't they have the grip of a steel-drivin' man when they need to use their arms for everything all day long? Or has the advent of electric wheelchairs made handicapped peeps with huge upper bodies a thing of the past?

Or maybe she is referring to quadriplegics. But, wait...can quadriplegics even have sex? If you're paralyzed from the neck down, I'm pretty sure that includes your genitals.


Well, the good thing is that with all these frustrating unknowns floating around, there are two things we know for sure:
1. There is at least one cock-hungry, obese, wheelchair-bound woman with a weak grip out there who wants some male attention NOW--as long as you are willing to help her out.

2. There is some field-research to be done here in order to authenticate some of this advice, so it is high time you grab that gunny sack full 'o' ludes and head to your local V.A. during 'creepy visitor' hours, average reader. Trust me, it won't seem like a big deal once you're right in the heat of it all. Maybe.
Good luck out there in the trenches, folks--report back soon or I'll make you do it all over again!


There's Got to be a Better Way!

I Predict You Will Read This

What with Nostradamus being not only ancient but also wrong most of the time--not to mention painfully vague--and that whole Mayan 2012 thing clearly not gonna happen (right? RIGHT?!), the world is sorely lacking fashionable prognosticators these days.

WTF, psychic soldiers? Are you all doing so well reading tarot cards to middle-aged divorcees in the soiled living rooms of your creepy little suburban houses with neon signs in the window that you don't give a shit about the big picture anymore? Are you that selfish? People need to know how everything (Earth, humanity, Breaking Bad) is gonna end!

Goodtime Charlie's 8th Grade Yearbook Photo (courtesy GTC Archives)

Enter Goodtime Charlie to selflessly fill the void and launch a million imitators (Prediction #1).

Prediction #2:
You will die someday and although it will suck for you and your loved ones, the vast majority of the people in your neighborhood won't even notice.

If there is a hell, John Mayer and Shia Lebeouf will be in it--which is reason enough to repent and be a good boy from here on out, if you ask me.

Prediction #4:
This man will continue to get beat up ("For no reason!") for the rest of his meager existence.

Prediction #5:
KFC's currently infamous, way-over-exposed-by-the-media, and disgustingly profitable Double-Down monstrosity will one day seem totally normal and may even be casually referred to by the populace as a 'sandwich.'

Prediction #6:
Drug addicts will soon comprise an overwhelming majority of the population, but it will not be as cool as you think because they will be using the wrong kind of drugs.

Prediction #7:
Despite the efforts of far too many losers, jorts will never become cool.

Prediction #8:
After he breaks up with Bar Rafaeli, Leonardo DiCaprio will for some reason date another devastatingly delectable supermodel and Bar--not missing a beat, cheeky bird--will immediately join me in the hot tub in my dreams.

Prediction #9:
The Republicans will win some elections and lose others, as will the Democrats; afterward, everything will remain pretty much the same.

Prediction #10:
It won't take long for the ballooning income disparity in America to result in a fully-formed, third-world, two-class nation and a bloody revolution that will ultimately fix nothing.

Well, there you have it, commoners without truly enlightened vision! Tune in next time I randomly make predictions while sitting on the toilet in the men's room at a highway rest stop, stance set to 'wide,' patiently waiting for some ass before I go home to my loving wife and kids for pasketti and meatbulbs night.