Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Not-So-Elusive Serial Killer Demo

Not a day goes by that the unlimited, unforeseen change wrought upon our society by the miraculous World Wide Web is not thrust in our faces while reading...well, anything, be it an online newspaper or a tactile one. Magazines, books, news broadcasts-- everybody's talking about it.

The unavoidable Big Brother potential of this recent, sweeping technological advancement has resulted in the near-realization of the Madmen's wet dream-- targeted advertising. Targeted like never before, tailored to the individual user. No ad space wasted on the wrong audience. Efficiency. Soon. Once we get those pesky privacy laws out of the way!

Well, in the meantime, I hope those sad, overpaid men (and a handful of women, let's be honest) who make all the decisions at the handful of 'cutting-edge' agencies have their hairy ears well-perked. Lean in...closer...

"Serial Killers!!!"

Your ears ringing? I thought so. You know what that sound is? Money. Cascading into your Vietnamese pot-bellied piggy bank, asshole! Until it bursts!

Forget waiting for the imminent information harvesting to begin and jump right in, ahead of everybody, because when you talk about the Internet there are very few certainties.

One of them is that serial killers spend more time on it than anybody else. And as hard as they might be to catch with blood on their hands, it is nowhere near as difficult to guess which websites they visit.

Think of it as the virtual equivalent of Eliot Ness knowing every bar and restaurant Al Capone goes to, where he lives, who he's fucking, what he says on the phone...but Al being too smart to get caught doing anything but evading taxes.

Now, if Mr. Ness had been in advertising, he would have simply hung billboards for cigarettes, booze, prostitutes, cigars, fine clothing, guns, roomy luxury sedans, etc. in all the stalls and booths and bars in all the joints he went to-- and retired on the proceeds.

So, bringing this all back home...if you know half the hits on Hannah Montana's website come from serial killers (which we will never know for sure, but is as good as fact), why not post an ad on the site that says something like this:

"To a good son, every day is Mother's Day...when was the last time you bought her flowers? Call 1-800-FLOWERS now--it's that easy!"

Boom. 500,000 bouquets of long-stem roses are sold. Every day.
(Yes, there are that many. At least.)

Similarly, every radio 'DJ' who creates and posts videos on youtube needs to admit who their audience is. Those pages should be PLASTERED with ads for overalls, workboots, the Jaclyn Smith Collection, poison, Shirley MacLaine biographies, trampy transvestite makeup, Tyler Perry movies, and used conversion vans.

Throw in the elementary ones like Crate & Barrel cookware ads on every page about boiling human brains...hacksaws/garbage bags/duct tape whenever somebody searches for 'human anatomy'...etc...and you see how easy and, more importantly, how lucrative this approach would be!

It just goes to show you, even though most people wouldn't like to admit it, when it comes to the Internet, the only sure things are porn and serial killers.

Write it down.

btw--everyone with an avatar on this site is a serial killer. see how many there are? and there are a lot more sites just as scary. like this one, for example (if you read the comments at the bottom).

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


I was trolling the web today, looking up fax numbers for various entertainment industry, for an obscure, boring, work-related reason, and stumbled upon this amazing picture/article:

Trust me--you NEED to follow this link:

Boy...they really showed her, huh?!

It's funny to think that anyone could have been so confident the second Iraq 'War' was ever going well, much less many people--many irate, smug assholes. Hmm...maybe it makes more sense than I thought...

I mean, I remember the infamously expensive Mission Accomplished PR-stunt, but even then I don't think anybody could have said the war 'went well.' People died--lots of people (mostly brown ones, though). People lied--lots of people (but they had good reasons for secret ones...). And there was no plan for reconstruction.

The funny thing is that the administration, especially Karl Rove, regrets their awesome banner more than anything. They don't regret the sentiment behind it, the misplaced bravado, the text of his speech,, the $1,000,000+ spent to stage an unnecessary jet landing photo-op, or the war itself.

Why not? Because dumb people don't listen to what the President actually says, or follow stories long enough to realize the administration is full of shit and constantly catches itself in its own web of lies--but they CAN read a simple sign and then scratch their heads when bodies keep piling up.

And that's the kind of shit that can lose an election...

Sunday, August 10, 2008

I don't give a candied fig where the frig your apple's been...

Something has been bothering me for a long time now.
Only one thing.
The fact that a certain kind of person (the Ned Flanders of the world, be they religious or otherwise) believes replacing a 'bad' word/phrase with a similar word/phrase renders is harmless.

"Where the frig is my friggin' G.I.Joe guy?"
I ask you, how is this any different than:
"Where the fuck is my fuckin' G.I. Joe guy?"
Is it not the intent that counts? Don't impressionable children react more to vocal tone and body language than to brass-tack semantics?

My own mother, whom I don't think has ever said a 'bad' word in her entire life, uses this word (frig/friggin) on occasion. More importantly, though, she and my father (who has uttered the occasional 'bad' word in my presence, though rarely in my mother's) allow my siblings to use this word, and many others like it, in their presence.

Whereas 'bad' words were never allowed. And yes, I did have my mouth washed out with soap once. And for those of you keeping track, when my younger brother said the exact same thing a few years later, the same punishment was unfairly not visited upon him. But I digress...

Keep in mind this is the same mother who taught me that "it's the thought that counts."

The same mother who taught me that results were not half as important as your intent.

Me: "Why am I being punished when I didn't kill him? He didn't even eat the poisoned Cheerios!"
Her: "But you wanted him to--you intended for him to die, and that is why you are sitting in the corner and will be grounded until college."
But the blame is not to rest solely on her shoulders. This odd, hypocritical situation exists because of the Western World's strange and continued adhesion to woefully-uncool Puritanical values. Certain words are deemed 'bad' and those are not to be uttered. Every other word, no matter how similar, is okay. Right and wrong. Black and white. Nonsensical.

As nonsensical as a religion that desires its flock to be fruitful and multiply, yet grossly restricts sexual activity. As nonsensical as a religion that celebrates the beauty of God's labors, yet forbids the appreciation of (non-religious) nude imagery.

"Go fly a kite!" = "Go fuck yourself!"
"Go suck an egg!" = "Go fuck yourself!"
"Go jump in a lake!" = "Go fuck yourself!"
"I don't give a hoot!" = "I don't give a shit!"
"I don't give a flying fig..." = "I don't give a flying fuck..."
"What the 'H' is going on?" = "What the hell is going on?"
"Goshdarnit!" = "Goddamnit!"
"Flippin" = "Fuckin"

I could go on forever. But I won't.
(at least not out loud)

These translations are widely known--in fact, that is the only reason these odd new phrases EXIST--to replace phrases people feel they cannot say. what point do these replacement phrases attain the same accursed value as the forbidden ones?

One would think immediately, but the correct answer is: never!

It's just easier that way. We are a nation ruled by hypocrites--why should this be surprising?

the fragile flower of youth

a beautiful young woman
is a precarious treasure
each passing day
her own worst enemy